New Year, New Dutchess

Well, hello lovers! I'm finally back from Christmas vacation.

Aww, you are overcome with pure unabashed joy, right? Right!

Well, this is a new year, (Happy 2011 Hookers!), and that means another chance to start afresh. I don't usually do resolutions because, quite frankly, it's hard to remember things made while smashed and stoned on New Year's Eve.

This year, I knew you all would be wondering what the Dutchess will do in 2011, so I wrote them down!

1. I will stop suggesting that we go streaking at every party I attend.

2. I will get a mammogram and not be embarrassed when the Doctor opens the door and calls, "We're gonna need the Biggun's 2000 for this set!"

3. I will always “check for paper” before leaving the restroom. (shut the fuck up asswipes, like it has never happened to you!)

4. I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.

5. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet

6. I will stop lying to myself. (see above)

7. I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

8. I will learn to forgive and forget when it comes to my blood sucking, ass chapping, worthless waste of air beathing oxygen people I call my In-laws.

9. See number 6 and read number 8 again.

10. I will strive to shave my legs more than once every couple weeks. I caught the goddamn sheets on fire three times last year and spent $20,000 on Draino.

11. I will try a new haircut and never again think anyone can ever rock the Roseann Rosanadana look.

I'll let you know how it goes.