A Bathtub, Some Wine, and a Funeral

Ok kids, this has been a busy week for your Dutchess, and with a member of my real life family kicking the bucket, it looks like it just got longer.

I need to prepare for the impending avalanche of carnies and circus performers, that make up my family tree, and I can think of no better way than heading to the bathtub with my box of wine.  Without further adieu, or spilling of wine, I give you...

"Proof that a box of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the fucking world."

I want to address The bitch with cunt blisters:

First?  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...  Someone apparently cracked open a bottle of Bitch Be Gone.

Second?  Apparently, you forgot exactly who you were dealing with.  Let me reintroduce myself...Hi I'm Chief-slap-a-bitch from the sock-a-hoe tribe, ANY QUESTIONS?! 

Silly bitch, tricks are for hookers...OUR hookers. That is all I have to say about that,

Yesterday, while cooking a gourmet meal in the microwave, (FUCK YOU!  The box said it was gourmet), I heard the Mission Impossible theme in my head, and decided to hit the stop button on the microwave just as it got to :01.  made me feel like a bomb specialist.

Wouldn't it be cool if breast implants came with squeaky toys inside!!

With the Iowa caucus going on, I can hardly stand watching the news.  Every damn story seems to be about the impending election.  However, I also noticed something else.  It seems 90% of the damn commercials are about Viagra and Cialis. Election, erection, election, erection. I've decided either way, we're still fucking screwed!

NOTE TO SELF:  Napkins used after eating hot wings and then shoved in your damn pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you've had to drink.

I think it's time to eat better, and maybe even loose a little weight.  I asked my body if it wanted to work out today and it told me, "Listen here fatty bitch, do it and die." 

I decided to grab a bite to eat and I ordered a salad at Mickey D's.  Does anyone else think that going to McDonald's and asking for a salad is a lot like going to a whore house and asking for a hug? I'm just sayin'

Tomorrow I will attend a funeral for my Uncle Al.  Family functions will never be the same.  At the last family funeral, our midget 2nd cousin (Leroy) brought a ukulele and serenaded my dead Great Aunt. That is a true story, jokers. 

At the end of the song medley, Leroy said, something about when one door closes...., and before he could finish, my Uncle Al said, "it's because I slammed that mother fucker shut!" I'm going to miss him.

See??  Insanity doesn't run in my family...it wanders in slowly greeting each person with a smile and a goddamn cookie.

And on that note, and the fact that I've shaved my legs and it looks like a goddamn Yeti was swimming in the tub, it is time to close this session of Drunken Bathtub Reflections.

If you need me, I'll be standing in the front yard like a flamingo wearing pink tights and a tutu waiting for Google Earth to come by and take my picture..

See you next time assholes,

A Bathtub, A New Blog and A Box of Wine

Alright everyone, listen up because I am only going to explain this shit once. The Royal Family has a NEW BLOG. It is a collaboration, and we are counting on all of you, yes you assclown, to make this work. You ask questions, we answer you back in the comment section. Easy, no?

Anyway, back to the reason you have all gathered here.


I have not been able to get the play along button thing together because I am seriously blog stupid. The Princess of Class, Trash and Sass made me a kick ass button, but I have no fucking idea where I saved it AND I have no idea how to put the code box underneath so you all can take the button and play. That means you are off the goddamn hook one more week.

Farm Aid concert was great, until the fucker 2 seats down puked his stupid drunk guts out. That is a story for another time.

I'm fucking exhausted and coming down with something. I'm achy, have chills, a sore throat, and my nose is snotty. Therefore, you poor fucks get a bunch of random shit I wonder about. Enjoy.

Why does Jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone?

Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked any damn way.

If a lesbian has sex with other women but never with another man is she still considered a virgin?

Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him?

When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?

If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?

If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?

If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?

How come lemon dish washing liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings?

How come a cat's ass go up when you pet them?

At what point in man's evolution did he start wiping his ass?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?

If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?

Is "vice-versa" to a dyslexic just fucking redundant?

That's it, that is all I have for today. Happy Drunken Sunday assclowns, and DO NOT forget to visit the NEW BLOG.

Back By Popular Demand

It's that time again, you lucky bastards. I've decided that it is Drunken Bathtub Reflections Night. Now, if you want to play along, help yourself.

(Thank you Queenie for the awesome button type thing.)

I wonder if crop circles come in any other shape. What if I were abducted by an alien in a crop circle? What would the alien do when he saw my ginormous tits? He would probably think all earthling girls had huge fucking boobs. Then he'd run around all excited screaming "Phone Home!!! Phone Home!"

Cock juggling thunder cunt, with a fist full of fucked up. Bwahahahahaha. I have GOT to figure out how to fit that into everyday conversation.

I love the bathtub. I love chocolate. What if I filled the bathtub up with chocolate...with peanut M&M's. Then I could drown myself in chocolate. With my luck, I'd jam an M&M up my ass, and have to go to the fucking emergency room. "Um, excuse me, I've got a piece of candy lodged in my ass. Can you help me?" How the hell would I explain that to my goddamn insurance company?

Gangsta Rap...Really? I bet those gangsta rappers aren't shit. Hell, my 77-year-old great Uncle swears talks in rhymes and wears pants that are three fucking sizes too big, too. Asshats

That stupid ass Viagra commercial makes no sense. You know, the one where they are in two separate bathtubs and holding hands? Umm...don't you have to be in the same fucking bathtub to have sex?

The Duke's friend bought his fiance a $12,000 engagement ring. I don't know why he acted all goddamn offended when I ask if her vagina dispensed NFL season tickets and ice-cold six packs.
Dude needs a sense of humor, He should go buy one. Oh, wait! He can't! He just spent $12,000 on a motherfucking ring!

Cheap wine has become my bathtub drink of choice. Holy fuck, I have become my Mother.

We were at the county fair last week. They don't have ATM's so my mom borrowed some money from me. I'm going to start calling her every hour shouting, "Where be my money, beeyotch?! Don't make a nigga come bust a cap in yo' ass!"

I think I will then call her and tell her I've decided to leave the Duke and practice the old lickety split. That ought to drive her right over the fucking edge. HA!

Running With The Dutchess/Ride #1

If your here to read some fucking exercise blog because of the above title, turn around, and run for the motherfucking door. You've come to the wrong place.

This, you lucky fucks, will be your free chance to hop aboard the crazy train that is the Dutchess' brain.

I have decided to just sit down, close my eyes, write the first thought that pops into my head, because I got fucking nothing, and after my "I'll save the day" bullshit in my last post, I have to post some fucking thing. like this phrase..

“Results Not Typical.”

Whenever I see an ad that ends with that phrase I always think WTF?.

Thing is, I see this goddamn phrase on ads for everything.

“Jane used to weigh 343 pounds and lived her life wedged into a chair in her 400 square foot studio apartment. Jane used our Megoassblowcomplex-B while eating nothing but meat, cheese and Swedish Fish. She’s now a supermodel on the cover of Vogue.”
“Results not typical.”

Tameesha was $500k in debt and had just lost her crack house and her job at Screwu Customer Service Center. That was before she bought our no money down real estate investment program. “I was able to buy six houses, a 7-11 worth over $4 million dollars and all I used for a down payment was mah bike.”
“Results not typical.”

Know what?

I WANT TO KNOW THE TYPICAL RESULTS DICKLICKS!!!!

I bet they are something like...

“I bought the Ripmyassoff “No Down Payment Real Estate System” because I live in a trailer in my Momma's back yard and I’m too stupid to go on living. I have no job, no education and spent my last unemployment check on crack and cheap hos. I’m now out four easy payments of $59.95 plus $69.95 shipping and handling because I don’t know how to motherfucking read.”
“Results Typical”

“I’ve been taking Megoassblowcomplex-B for eight weeks. I fucking smell funny, my asshole hurts like the new kid in cell block D, I think my heart may have exploded, I now have a third fucking testicle…and I’m a goddamn woman!”
“Results Typical.”

Some of these dumb fucking ads throw in the following line,
“Individual results may vary.”

What the fucking hell does that even mean?

If we buy them as a group, are our results the same?

On second thought, Why the hell can’t we use this disclaimer for everything?

“Yes dear, I vacuumed the house, washed the dishes, cooked dinner, did the laundry and paid the bills. Now I’m ready to sit down, ask you about your day, hand you the remote, and rub your feet. I won't bitch, nag, complain, ask for new shoes or make you watch Big Brother with me”
“Results not typical. Individual wife results may vary.”

"Instead of worrying about immigrants learning English, America should be teaching its children Spanish."
“Results not typical. Individual president results may vary.” (Dumb fuck should read the Immigration laws of Mexico)

“Our 14 year old son Timmy used the Billy Bob Reading Dynamics Course for six weeks and now he’s up to a second grade reading level.”
“Results not typical. Individual moronic asshole results may vary.”

I have even seen this disclaimer following an ad on TV for a penis enlargement pill called “Bigdicks.”

What kind of an motherfucking idiot would buy this pill? Especially with a disclaimer that read, “Results not typical.”

If you take a pill that causes your pecker to grow it’s probably because there’s a goddamn tumor on the end of it!!! Seriously??? Are people really this fucking stupid?

Are there 400-pound men who are rapidly slimming down with huge expanding penises buying real estate for no money down walking around this fucking earth?

WELL? These are the things that I think we all need to know.

The sad part is if they weren’t selling this shit to douche bags across America, they wouldn’t be advertising it.


Thank you for riding the Dutchess Crazy Train. We hope to see y'all real soon.