Patriotic Vajayjay? Just, NO!

With all of this flag business going on, I figured I'd throw my opinion in the ring.

There are lots of things I love: Rum punch, Kenny Chesney, Corona with a lime, the beach, my beloved island, Irish Coffee, and, of course, shiny things!

There are many things I hate, dislike, and find repugnant, and high on that list is American flags as bathing suits.

I'm all for being patriotic.  I love this country, warts and all.  I proudly display an American flag on my porch, support our constitution, inalienable rights, and have the utmost respect for our troops. However, some things just piss me off.

Today, I had to go to the store I loathe going to.  It's always crowded, there are only 4 registers open, EVER, and people are just fucking rude there, it rhymes with Walmart.  Now, everone knows it's not my favorite place, but seriously, where else can you get 487 rolls of toilet paper, a 20 gallon jug of laundry soap, ammo for the gun and a giant jar of beef jerky, all for under 30 bucks?

As I walked in the store, I was greeted by this on a sale rack:

Here’s the thing: the American flag isn’t even supposed to touch the ground! Did you know that the people handling the flag always wear gloves? Do you want to know why?

It’s a respect thing, asshole! If people have to wear gloves to touch the flag, I am pretty fucking sure rubbing your damn pleasure taco on it is NOT OKAY!

Like I said, I am all for freedoms and thankful for those that have fought and died to protect us.  BUT, perhaps while you are recreating a Girls Gone Wild type escapade while chugging beer from a fucking funnel, how about you wear something other than our nation’s colors? A corona bikini, or maybe something sinister airbrushed on those perky little ta-tas? Whatever, just leave Old Glory on the damn flag pole!

Hey Guys?  This request is for you all too.

Please don’t wear flag swimtrunks and have your saggy ass and wobbly man bits defiling the flag, dammit!

By all means. Celebrate. Get drunk on a plane, Watch fireworks on a boat... With beer... With fireworks and fucking sparklers for all I care.

However, for the love of Mom and apple pie, do NOT prance around in an American Flag bathing ensemble. I can’t fucking take it!