There is very little that the Dutchess is afraid of. Big Bertha in cell block D, running out of alcohol or wacky weed (OH THE HORROR!), burning in a fire, and spiders (eeeeekkk), can make the Dutchess shake in her Carlos Santana Fuck Me Boots.
But there is one motherfucking thing that can send me into a whimpering ball of tears and snot, tucked into a fetal position and hiding under the damn desk....the goddamn dentist. In my opinion, the are all sadists, and NOT the fun kind.
ANYWAY... last Friday, I was drinking my Coronas, sitting by the pool, and chillin. I reached for another and realized my bottle opener was MIA. I think my Bitch in-law hid it, but whatEVER. Nothing stands between me and my Corona. I decide I can open the fucker without an opener.
After five minutes of twisting and ripping my goddamn hands to shreds, I remember a movie I saw where some asshat opened a bottle with his teeth. Yep, you got it, the Dutchess tried it.
I bit down and oh holy mother of all things beeralicious, the pain about dropped me to my fucking knees. I even saw stars y'all.
Since that day, I have not been able to bite down on that root canaled crown without searing pain. Which, considering my extreme fear and loathing of all things dentisty, didn't seem so terrible.
By this morning, I'm moaning, bitching, and maybe even crying a little. No amount of weed, drink, pain killers, or distractions will take the fucking throbbing pain away. Even touching the fucker with my tongue hurts like hell and I haven't eaten anything I can't swallow whole, which is wreaking havoc on my stomach.
Enter, the Duke, who is all about making me pay for his colonoscopy date. He calls at 9:00 and says he made me a dentist appointment, and I need to be there in 20 minutes. He is sending my daughter Prissy to pick me up so I don't miss my appointment.
I swear I will kill that motherfucker with a goddamn plastic spork one day.
I head to the motherfucking sadist and he sits me down in the chair. He says open wide, and I say, "uh uh, nope, Gas...give me the gas."
He's all, "I'm just going to look, you shouldn't need th..."
Me: "Gaaaas, give me the gaaaassss nooowwwwwwwwwwww !!!!"
After strapping the gas on for a few minutes, I allow him to take a look.
He says he thinks it could be something under the crown. He is going to numb it, snap the crown off, and go from there. Fuuuuuuck me.
Can I just say that a motherfucking needle is meant to be used in a hammy arm, a fleshy thigh, or a rounded tush. Using it in the gums, where there is not extra fat to absorb the pain is just fucking wrong.
Two fucking hours later, the drilling, sanding, filling and crying stops. The goddamn pain is still there, and if I could, I'd kick the motherfucking sadist dentist in the nuts.
"ITH STHILL FUCKING HURTHS YOU BASHTARD!"...may or may not have come out of my drooling, numb mouth.
He scratches his head, and says, well, this only means one thing. You probably have a mid-root fracture. WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL IS A MID-ROOT FRACTURE? I know I'm getting all panicky and my voice is shrill. The dentist even looked scared. He smiles and puts the gas mask back on. I'm thinking, coool, I love this stuff, maybe I'll ask for Dr. Feelgood to lay some crazy crunk grillz on me while I'm there. Diamonds maybe? Gangsta style? YO!
Then he says...
Um, it's going to have to be extracted. You will have to go to the oral surgeon.
However, then he says the oral surgeon can't look at me until 7:30 am Monday and will probably do the extraction with just a local anesthetic.
First, 7 goddamn 30am is the middle of the motherfucking night to the Dutchess.
Second...MONDAY?...I have to go through how many more days with this pain? Someone better cough up more goddamn vicodin.
Lastly, LOCAL anesthetic ONLY? HELL NO MOTHERFUCKER! Someone better bust out the sleepy time drugs on Monday, or I won't be responsible for what happens.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make some lunch. I'm thinking Tomato soup with a few shots of vodka will hit the spot.
See you next time bitches. Go click on this and follow the directions or the Crazy Brunette will hurt you.