A Wicked Goodbye

Ok gang, it is


They are having a send off for everyone's favorite Royal Hooker, The Crazy Brunette. They have asked for stories and other things. I have so many stories, but if I tell you, I'd have to kill you.

Lucky for you assclowns, I have had a goddamn, king size headache all fucking day and my Ninja Killing Skillz are all askew.

So, instead, I am leaving you with my most Favorite CB post EVER. Enjoy!

I Fake Dainty Like I Fake Orgasms

Wicked Wednesday

First, thank you all for your well wishes. I am feeling a little better, but my funny isn't. Uncooperative fuck!

However, because I know some of you are going through wicked Dutchess withdrawals, I've decided to participate in

The task was to post your favorite witch ever.

Well, my choice should be obvious. I choose Frances, Jet, Gillian and Sally. The ladies from the movie Practical Magic.


I mean, Midnight Margaritas? Fucking brilliant. You Tube is being douchey, and won't let me embed the damn thing, but there is a link when you click play. If you've never seen movie, WTF, have you been living under a rock?

Let's Get Naughty

I figure if it is good enough for the Queen, blah blah blah you know the rest. So today, I'm joining the Naughty List.


There are rules to this shit, but we all know I don't do rules, so click on the button and check them out.
Now, on with the show.

Here are the 5 Naughty Questions:

1. When did you first realize you had a naughty streak?
I was born naughty for shit sake, but I guess I realized it at age 5. The first day of kindergarten a boy in my class asked me to be his girlfriend. He said he would bring me a candy necklace if I said yes. Of course I said yes. At nap time we put our mats next to each other. No, you fucking pervs, nothing happened, I was 5 years old!

On the walk home, (yes, we actually walked to and from school without our parents, back in the day), a blond boy...a first grade blond boy, said I was pretty and funny and then he kissed my cheek and asked me to be his girlfriend. He was fucking blond, you know I said yes. The next day boy 1 brought my candy necklace. I took it and then broke up with him. Yep, naughty.

2. Have you ever stolen anything? What? why?
Yes. I broke into my little sister's piggy bank and took twenty buck from her. I just HAD to buy the super neat hot pink rollers for my roller skates before anyone else.

Look, the roller rink was the Facebook of it's time bitches. Your super cool skates (not in-line) told your status, you went to the DJ and dedicated songs that clarified what you liked, you hung out with your besties in the snack bar, and skated to a slow song with the one you were in a relationship with. Now that? Was a social network, assclowns.

3. Have you ever cheated at anything?
In the interest of time and carpel tunnel, I will list the top 3. I cheat at games, my taxes, (up yours IRS assholes!), and on my 1st husband. Fuck you, he was my learner husband; kind of like training wheels for a bike.

4. Your most used position for sex?
After 10 years of marriage, position doesn't matter. On the rare occasion there is not a daughter, grandson, or the Spawn of Satan with his posse of smelly, pimply teenage boys around, the Duke and I throw our clothes off with wild abandon and have hot monkey sex anywhere, and anyway we can. It's the best 6 and a half minutes of my fucking week.

5. One place or thing that's in your fantasies but rarely or never in your sex life.
If you read me, you know it is Kenny Mcimafuckinghotie Chesney.

Ok now, play if you want, hook up to the link if you do, and don't forget about

Do You Do Wicked?

Ok gang, our very own Royal, Princess of Sass, Class and Trash has been busy as ever. (read: cheating on you with another blog). Her and her new cohorts have developed a new site called...



In all of their bad girl goodness, they have come up with something new for Hump Day that will no doubt be chock full of naughty, guilty pleasures.



That said, I think you all need a shake-up, your damn cages rattled a little, someone to up the wicked ante of this new endeavor.

Y'all I'm just the Wicked Dutchess to do it.

Let's get started with the definition of the word...

wick·ed

adj. wick·ed·er, wick·ed·est

1.Evil by nature and in practice: “this wicked man Hitler, the repository and embodiment of many forms of soul-destroying hatred” (Winston S. Churchill).
2.Playfully malicious or mischievous: a wicked prank; a critic's wicked wit.
3.Severe and distressing: a wicked cough; a wicked gash; wicked driving conditions.
4.Highly offensive; obnoxious: a wicked stench.
5.Slang. Strikingly good, effective, or skillful: a wicked curve ball; a wicked imitation.

adv. Slang
Used as an intensive: “a... body suit, which she describes as wicked comfortable” (Nathan Cobb).

Wicked is a fun word to say, go on, say it, see? I love it in all it's forms and when you see the definitions it's obvious that it's the fuck of non four letter words, a wicked fucking versatile word covering everything from evil, severe and distressing, highly offensive to playfully malicious and mischievous. Noun, adverb, adjective. Fuck me wicked, wicked fuck me, you're an evil wicked fuck, an evil wicked fucker, wicked bastard, bitch.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty. I find playfully malicious the most intriguing of the above definitions. There is a certain look for playfully malicious and body language is no small part of the overall effect.

It's like giving you a look while I hold a leather paddle swatting it against first, my ass, then yours. A look that gives you pause as to just how fucking wicked I am.

If I put the paddle in the palm of your hand and you close your fingers around it, do you think I would give you the satisfaction of seeing me flinch or grimace?

Would my look be playful or petulant? What's my body language when I take your palm to my lips? Would my wicked tongue lick your lips, would you lick mine?

Do I turn and sashay, do I flounce? Would I look over my shoulder, do I beckon or entice?

Would I startle, surprise, shock you or rock you with my fucking wickedness? Would I rock and shock myself? Would I embrace your form of wickedness?

Are scratch, mark and bite in your toybox? Tell me about it.

Get over to Bag Girl Bloggers .

Let's play wicked, wickeder, wickedest, winner take all. Just be sure and leave cute at home and give nice the fucking day off.

Wednesday just got wicked fucking hot.