It's All Fun & Games Until You Freak Out The Dutchess

In addition to drunk hookers, theme bars, and strange, naked activities, there are other amusing and whimsical things to be found on this ship. 

At first, I thought I was just drunk and seeing thing.  Then I realized that the cruise cleaning staff can do amazing things with towels.

The first day, I found this cute seal waiting near the bathroom sink 

I found this angel on my bed that evening

The next day I found an elephant and a pig

Amusing, no?  However, I think I forgot to tip them, because things started to get a little weird.  I found this little guy the next night

and this one, which I think the Queen had something to do with

then this, WTF? Is it a monkey, or Osama Bin Laden

Then, I got drunk, and may or may not have hit on the cabin boy, because these were all over my room the next evening

Then, something happened.  Something that sent shivers down my spine.  I walked into my room and found this...

SWANS!!!!!!!!!
...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkk!!!!! 

I seriously hate swans, geese and goats.  There was a traumatic zoo incident back in the 70's that I refuse to talk about.  Suffice it to say, those fucking things creep me out. 

After a slight panic attack, a 5th of Cruzan Rum, and a little somethin' somethin' from my good friend Willie, I calmed down.

The Queen thought it was fucking hilarious.  All of a sudden, everywhere I look, there are motherfucking swans...

That's is it.  I have to get off this goddamn boat.

Secrets and Ass Burn

Hi kiddies, it's your perpetually hammered Dutchess here.

I have figured out that these big floating cities have a dark side.  A side they don't mention in those glossy brochures and pretty little ads.  But, because I have your best interest at heart, Internet, and wouldn't want you to jump on the next cruise without all the information, I will tell you all about it.   

You see, what these assholes didn't mention, was that you have to walk eleventy fucking miles every time you want to do anything around this damn boat.  It's fucking exhausting! 

And?  I love my stilettos and can do amazing things in them.  However, between walking 50,000 step a day and trying to keep from tumbling off of them while the boat rocks with the motion of the ocean, my feet are starting to resemble bloody stumps.

So today,  The Queen and I decided we needed to find something to do that didn't require much walking, but was still entertaining.  We settled on going to the top sundeck for drinks and a dip in the pool. 

After an undisclosed number of special brownies and Salty Dogs, my drunk ass sibling loving Sister looks at me and says, "Hey Dutch, I double dog dare your ass to go down the high slide!"

Well, fuck me.  If there is one thing I can't turn down it's special brownie's, a cold Corona, and a double dog dare.

Looking at this monster, I knew I needed a couple extra eight shots of liquid courage.

I hiked my ass up to the damn top, (see? more goddamn waking!) grabbed a rubber floaty thing, and got in line.  While waiting my turn, I saw this sign, showing how to use the slide.

Well, lookie there, a position I am familiar with.  I'm so going to rock this slide!  And with that, I took a running jump onto my floaty thing...which, perhaps, may not have been the best move.  As soon as my ass hit that goddamn floaty thing, it shot out from under me with such speed and force, that took down the lifeguard and her assistant.

I was going to say sorry, but it was too late for me.  I was hurling down this monster slide with nothing protecting my royal ass....literally!  This motherfucking slide was so fast, I thought for sure it would spit me out on the other side of the goddamn ship!

It was just about then, that I started to feel a slight tingle in my ass...and not the good kind.  Holy mother of the tequila worm, I think I smell burning flesh!  Then it hit me...

THIS GODDAMN SLIDE WAS GIVING ME A MAJOR ASS BURN IN VERY SENSITIVE PLACES....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the time I finally made it to the bottom, I had barely escaped with my bathing suit
life

Motherfucker!  Today was the wrong day to wear a thong.

Maybe it's time to stick to shuffleboard.

A Christmas Scavenger Hunt...Royal Style

I'm drunk, my sweet laptop caught a goddamn bad, bad, ju-ju virus, and no one told me the Royal Scavenger Hunt required me to traipse my big drunk ass around this giant floating fucking city searching for items on a list.

I couldn't find my goddamn room last night.  How in the hell am I going to find shit on a list?

The crap I do for this fucking family (sigh)....here we go

First on the stupid list, Christmas Lights.  After this picture was taken, the crazy ass hookers fell into the hot tub, and it did NOT end well.  On the bright side, any John with a poodle hair fetish needn't look any further.

Next up, a Christmas Tree...My drunken sister thought it said a Christmas KNEE.  I keep telling her she needs to wear her damn reading glasses....

Then we were to find something red...That was a no brainer...my prized possession.

Then something green....another no brainer...another prized possession.  After taking this pic, a little smoke break was in order.

However, after that break, things started to get weird.

A mini Santa was the next thing to find.  Ho Ho HO WHAT THE HELL? A Santa with his dick in a box!  (if you don't get that joke, search You Tube for SNL Dick in a Box, assholes.)

Find a silly hat was next up.  BTW, I'm pretty sure this is the new Captain of the ship, so if we get lost in the Bermuda triangle, you'll know why....The Captain was a dickhead

Onto the next item, it said I had to find a motherfucking Pirate...I called a few hookers to help...

I SAID A motherfucking pirate, skanks!!  I did NOT say PIRATE FUCKERS!

The next item was to fins a real, live, Santa.  I swear to you, I must be a fucking FREAK magnet.  This is the Santa I found, All I can say is, I'm glad we left orge child and all of the other crotch parasites back home.

After finding this?  I had had, enough.  I set that motherfucking list on fire, fired up a scooby, and headed to the nearest deck with a bar.

I'm sure glad that tomorrow, we will be docking at an island for the day.  I've got to pick up some fresh brownies and more eye wash.  That Santa picture is burned into my damn retina.

Stay tuned for more of the Royal's High Sea's Adventure, assholes.

Hiya Assholes! Well, the Christmas Cruise of 2011 is underway. First, let me just say this, we are not on a ship, it is a motherfucking floating city!

Hookers are everywhere, and having a grand old time. Some are enjoying the sun...

Some are karaoke-ing all night

Some are winning "Best Cruise Coconuts" contests

And some of those ho's are even learning new skills!

One poor hooker decided to play Titanic

Unfortunately, the bitch was so drunk, she fell overboard.
As for me, I couldn't find my goddamn room, so last night I passed out slept on one of the outside decks.

Oh fuck you, don't act like it's never happened to you!
Tonight is the Ship Scavenger Hunt, and there is no telling what we'll find! Stay tuned, assholes!

PS. Even though I love all of our hookers, I personally don't give a rat's ass who stays or who goes. HOWEVER, if you try and take the gin, the brownies, or my stilettos, I'll cut your ass.

The Royal Family Hits The High Seas

At the Hooker Convention last week, Queenie and I overheard someone talking about a cruise they had just been on. We heard there were many, many restaurants, themed entertainment nights, dozens of pools, fun activities and too many bars to count.

Well fuck, that sounded like heaven on earth, and honestly? That's as close as any of us bitches will ever get to heaven. Then we heard this...

IT'S ALL INCLUDED IN THE PRICE OF YOUR TICKET!

When The Queen heard that, she peed her pants, let out a slurred, "WOOHOO" and crab walked to the computer to buy our tickets.

That's right assholes, The Royals have commandeered a cruise ship. We set sail, heading to the warm, blue, Caribbean water to island hop and relax tomorrow.

Well, we hit the high seas tomorrow, providing someone is sober enough to make sure we get to the ship on time.

I was gone so long, this place is a sty! I'm hoping that someone will update my Royal Family links, change fonts, pretty up and clean this blog while I'm stoned outta my mind sleeping tonight. (HINT HINT)

Stay tuned, fuckers, you do NOT want to miss the royal christmas Cruise of 2011!