A Bathtub, Some Wine, and a Few Notes

Hello my pretties.  The Royal Family has been called into action because of some cunt blister parading around as someone's mother.  It has made everyone in the kingdom twisty and stabby. (for good reason)

My Bitch Switch was already turned on because:
A. I have another MRSA infection, and feel like the botton of Queenie's shoe. And not the pretty, sparkly, red ones, but the ugly ass birkenstocks.
B. I have bronchitus
C. Stupid people in general piss me off.
D. There is a goddamn snow storm raging outside my window and the Royal bootlickers have decided they are too good to get thier little chihuahua paws snowy, and will just piss and shit on my back porch instead.   

So, I did what I do best.  I grabbed a large box of wine, filled the tub, and jumped in.  You lucky bastards!  Without further adieu, I bring you:

Proof that a box of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the fucking world."

Dear Duke,
We have been together a long time.  Sometimes, I know what you are going to bitch about before you open your damn mouth.  All I have to say is, " I will take 'Same Shit / Different Day' category for $200.00, Alex."
Love, Dutch

Dear D#1,
I know you are beautiful and smart,  However, you need to remember that I have (almost) 45 -ohmyfuckinghellhowdidTHAThappen- years of life experience, and I just might know a few things that you don't.  So, have a glass of sit the fuck down with a chaser of shut the hell up.
All My Love, Mommy-Dutch

Dear 17 year old Spawn of Satan,
I know that you are SO OVER your parental unit.  Just remember, I drink coffee so I don't bite your head off every morning and I stay medicated so i wont kill you...don't say i never did nothing for you.
Love, Parental Unit Dutch

Dear D#2,
No! You can not borrow my broom to sweep up your Bullshit, I'm busy riding it tonight!!!
PS.  You'd better learn to hula hoop, your halo is slipping.
Love, The Original Bitch Witch-Dutch

Dear Second Cousin,
Thanks for the wedding invitation.  However, maybe you should consider this...A man may think why should he buy milk when he can get the cow for free.  I say why buy the pig, just for a little piece of sausage..  Food for thought.
Just sayin, Cousin Dutch

Dear Next Door neighbor that took my paper out of my driveway this morning, and then lied about it,
Karma is on her way, and man is she fucking drunk.
Fondly, Neighbor Dutch

Dear royal Boot-licking Chihuahua's,
Newsflash:  The Poopcicles you insist on scarfing down are made of frozen poo.  STOP IT!
Gaging, Dutchess

That concludes the note section of this post.  Onto my weekly pet peeve.

Mom.  When people see that word, for the most part, they think of unconditional love, support, one that knows you like none other, and one that always has your back.

Well, that is what you SHOULD think when someone says the word Mom.  Unfortunately, for some of us, the word Mom is equal to evil, hateful, bitter and worthless. 

If you are in the latter category, I'd like to use your for a speed bump.
Women's bodies were made for child bearing, but just because you pushed a baby out of your crusty vagina, it doesn't make you a Mom. 

FUFF and My Love/Hate (mostly hate) Relationship With Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

Thanks for all the fucking rain you have provided this summer Especially today. No, really. Thanks so much. As you can see, my flowers look fucking awesome!

I don’t even have to remember to water them. At all. Really. So thanks. A lot


Aren’t the poppies to-fucking-die-for? Truly?

So here’s the thing, Mother Fucker Nature. I’ve kinda had it up to my tits with the rain for this summer. Actually, all the way up to my tits, in my nose and out my goddamn eyes. With. The. Rain.

Let’s talk. I know, I know…usually by this point in the season I’m bitching about the humidity fucking up my hair. So you thought you’d switch things up a bit this year and flood fuck us with record-breaking downpours. How motherfucking sweet. Really.

Know what’s really sweet? This is really sweet


This is my new outdoor furniture. Purchased this year. For outdoor goddamn enjoyment and entertainment. You know, summer fun ? Have you fucking heard of it? It’s totally kick ass. All the cool kids are doing it. Or they’d like to be. If it were not for the goddamn rain.

Thanks to you, and your rain, I can’t use any of it. When the rain stops, the chairs are too wet to sit on. When the rain stops, there are ginormous puddles and my side yard could be mistaken for a fucking small pond. Where there are puddles, and ponds, there are motherfucking mosquitoes. And we don’t even need to discuss the motherfucking mossies again, do we?


And today? Tornadoes, ear splitting thunder & lightening and 5 inches of fucking rain in 45 minutes? Really?

Roads are closed, trees down and Mitchell International Airport was even evacuated. Did I tell you that I have to fly the hell out of there for vacation? Look, I REALLY NEED this vacation. I need room service, I need to sleep in and not have to make my own bed. I NEED NEW SHOES!!! Jimmy Choo has a shop at Caesar's dammit! You're a woman, I know you understand, right?

So please. I hate beg you: Give me a little break-y, will ya bitch? Just a teeny one. One round of 24 hours without downpours, tornado watches and “severe thunderstorm warnings.” One. That’s all I ask.

And don’t go getting all fucking bitter ’cause I’m asking you to change. Don’t start thinking of ways you could get back at me with, say, a week of record low temps in the desert when I'm in Vegas.

Don’t even fucking go there. ‘Cause you know what? No matter how much of a spiteful bitch you can be? You’re not half as bad as I am with a goddamn hangover and no sleep. Just a little tidbit for ya.

So are we good? We clear on that? Yeah? fanfuckingtastic.

Thanks Much,

PS...Mother Nature, sweetie, ...Every motherfucking channel has been on "Storm Team Coverage" since 4:30. Thanks for making me miss Big Brother you skanky whore.

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If you liked this, go check out the other Fucked Up Friday Followers

Letters From The Dutchess, Volume One

Dear Illinois Department Of Transportation,

Oh for fuck sake! Why oh why are you still doing road work on the SAME GODDAMN ROAD you were working on 2 years ago?

Rush hour is fucking bad enough, but because of you dillholes, the usual hour and a half commute took 3 and a half motherfucking hours. I had to be up and on the road at the asscrack of dawn this morning. That? Makes the Dutches a very unhappy bitch.

Lucky for your road crew at Mile Marker 103, I had my favorite coffee, with Kahlua of course. If it would have been a regular cup of motherfucking joe, I would have whipped it at the 5 assbags I saw standing around, laughing, and enjoying motherfucking donuts this morning as I passed by. I SO would have nailed their motherfucking asses too. Because at 3.5 miles per fucking hour? I've got kick ass aim.

BTW, if I had a job and my production rate was double what yours was? I'd STILL be fired so fast, my fucking head would spin. But not you, nope. Instead of actually completing the job on-time, you DOUBLED THE FUCKING TOLLS on the toll road to compensate the over budget problems.

Nice, but do you think you could at least do something about the ginormous fucking pot holes that are big enough to make small foreign cars disappear?
Thanks Much, dicklickers.

The Dutchess
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Dear Douche Bag With The Expensive Suit and BMW,

Riding my ass and honking your fucking horn repeatedly not will make me, nor the other 4 fucking million cars in front of me, magically hover in mid air so you can speed to your oh-so-important job.

It will, however, cause me to give you a mighty double middle finger salute, damn you to hell and hope that the fleas of 100 mother fucking camels infest your pubic hair.

I'm also curious, Mr. Black BMW, as to why you accelerate to 120 MPH when you can plainly see that 750 feet in front of you, the fucking traffic has come to a goddamn standstill?

You have to know, assclown, that you will need to slam on your brakes to stop. Do you know that when you do that, other motorists panic, spill their coffee and shit their pants because they believe they are about to be involved in a demo motherfucking derby type sandwich crash?

But hey, you were able to pass 2 cars in the 750 feet, so all is good, huh?
Fuck-you-very-much, jackass

You got off easy because Lord Crash was in the car with me. Take note though, If I see you again, I will ram your motherfucking ass with my SUV until you are dangling over the motherfucking expressway, spilling your favorite coffee and shitting your designer fucking pants....I have 4WD, do NOT fuck with me.
Piss Off dickweed.