Thanks for all the fucking rain you have provided this summer Especially today. No, really. Thanks so much. As you can see, my flowers look fucking awesome!
I don’t even have to remember to water them. At all. Really. So thanks. A lot
Aren’t the poppies to-fucking-die-for? Truly?
So here’s the thing, Mother
Fucker Nature. I’ve kinda had it up to my tits with the rain for this summer. Actually, all the way up to my tits, in my nose and out my goddamn eyes. With. The. Rain.
Let’s talk. I know, I know…usually by this point in the season I’m bitching about the humidity fucking up my hair. So you thought you’d switch things up a bit this year and flood fuck us with record-breaking downpours. How motherfucking sweet. Really.
Know what’s really sweet? This is really sweet
This is my new outdoor furniture. Purchased this year. For outdoor goddamn enjoyment and entertainment. You know, summer fun ? Have you fucking heard of it? It’s totally kick ass. All the cool kids are doing it. Or they’d like to be. If it were not for the goddamn rain.
Thanks to you, and your rain, I can’t use any of it. When the rain stops, the chairs are too wet to sit on. When the rain stops, there are ginormous puddles and my side yard could be mistaken for a fucking small pond. Where there are puddles, and ponds, there are motherfucking mosquitoes. And we don’t even need to discuss the motherfucking mossies again, do we?
And today? Tornadoes, ear splitting thunder & lightening and 5 inches of fucking rain in 45 minutes? Really?
Roads are closed, trees down and Mitchell International Airport was even evacuated. Did I tell you that I have to fly the hell out of there for vacation? Look, I REALLY NEED this vacation. I need room service, I need to sleep in and not have to make my own bed. I NEED NEW SHOES!!! Jimmy Choo has a shop at Caesar's dammit! You're a woman, I know you understand, right?
So please. I
hate beg you: Give me a little break-y, will ya bitch? Just a teeny one. One round of 24 hours without downpours, tornado watches and “severe thunderstorm warnings.” One. That’s all I ask.
And don’t go getting all fucking bitter ’cause I’m asking you to change. Don’t start thinking of ways you could get back at me with, say, a week of record low temps in the desert when I'm in Vegas.
Don’t even fucking go there. ‘Cause you know what? No matter how much of a spiteful bitch you can be? You’re not half as bad as I am with a goddamn hangover and no sleep. Just a little tidbit for ya.
So are we good? We clear on that? Yeah? fanfuckingtastic.
PS...Mother Nature, sweetie, ...Every motherfucking channel has been on "Storm Team Coverage" since 4:30. Thanks for making me miss Big Brother you skanky whore.