Thursday, July 22, 2010

This Is Why I Drink At Home

It is also for my Sis, she needs a good laugh. Let's face it, I'm a motherfucking freak magnet so you know where this is going, right?

I was a single Mom for a while and took a second job as a bartender. Where else can a girl meet quality husband material?

No matter what you may hear, I did NOT get fired for drinking more than I made, nor for uttering the phrase, "Shots for everyone...ON THE HOUSE BITCHES!" a couple times a night. Whatever, fuckers.

Being young and naive, I thought bartending was a job where you could meet some great people, and I did. Matter of fact, The Duke and I started dating when I was tending bar.

However, I also knew you could meet some seriously fucked up individuals, and I did. I like to live on the edge, so I would sometimes fraternize outside the of the bar with the people I met.

That is until I realized that all of these people? Are complete fucking nutjobs and I would do well to never forget that shit.

There was this couple that came in every night named Chuck & Cindy. Now C & C, used to invite me and my then boyfriend (The Duke) to play darts with them. C & C were a seemingly normal, nice couple. They made me laugh and we all know I don't need an excuse to throw pointy shit while imbibing adult beverages, so, obviously, we went.

Two hours into the night, I shit you not, Cindy had Chuck in a fucking head-lock and was poking him in the forehead with a dart while screaming, "How good looking is she, Chuck? Huh? How well does that whore sell that beer?!"

You see, there was a big ass poster in the bar we were in and Chuck said some stupid shit about how hot the St. Paulie beer chick was, and how he would so "Nail that down with more than one tack, if ya know what I mean".

Pretty fucking quickly we realized that this was a fucked up relationship (Chuck was 6 feet, 2 inches and well built. Cindy sued the city for building the goddamn sidewalks too close to her ass) and that Cindy had goddamn jealous bone the size of fucking Texas.

She was one scary bitch. When they invited us for a second outing, I HAD to accepted because I didn't want her to beat me the fuck up. Back then, I didn't have a Kansas posse and I was single. I couldn't risk anyone fucking up the money maker, ya know?

So, we went to dinner, drank a couple bottles of wine and headed back to the bar so I could pick up my car. Chuck announced that he had to pee. Cindy was driving, so she pulled into a goddamn deserted parking lot and we idled while a drunken Chuck hopped out of the truck.

As he was coaxing his goddamn dick to come out so he could pee ("S'cold out here!"), Cindy picked up his cell phone and started going through his calls and messages.

The Duke and I looked at each other and cringed because we knew there was no way in hell this was going to end up good. Any stupid ass thing could set her off. The Duke held up his hand, five fingers splayed, and slowly began the countdown.

Five, four, three, two, one-

"Chuck, who the hell is Linda?"

Chuck was still talking to his goddamn dick, which wasn't cooperating, and he turned to look back over his shoulder, confused. "Huh?"

"LINDA! It's right here in your phone asshole! Who the hell is fucking Linda?"

Chuck had just enough liquid courage in him to make a huge fucking mistake. "Oh, riiiiight, Linda. Sweet Linda, She's my other girlfriend, Cindy. Yeah, I fuck her when you're not with me, which would be in the bathroom at our fucking house when you think I'm taking a shit because that's the only goddamned time I'm without-"

Cindy was rounding the front of the truck before Chuck realized she was no longer in the vehicle. He saw the demonic expression on her face, freakishly distorted by the headlights of the truck. He did the only fucking thing he knew to do. That fucker ran.

As he did this high-stepping, bowlegged jog across the damn parking lot, he held tightly to his dick, which ironically, was the very thing that was going to ensure the dumb motherfucker got caught. He glanced back over his shoulder and saw her gaining on him and he squealed like a fucking girl before attempting to move faster.

It was at this time that the combination of fear and physical activity fucked him over and his bladder finally let go. Piss shot out in an arc and Chuck decided two things:

1. He couldn't stop running

2. He didn't want to combine the humiliation of running from a girl and pissing on himself

He wrenched his dick to the right and the stream followed. He was still managing to stay just out of arms reach of Cindy, but that bitch was fucking on a mission and she was catching up. He started to try and reason with this short, jealous, out of control, motherfucking lunatic.

"CINDYYYYYY! I was just fucking kidding! Stop this bullshit! I have new shoes on goddamn it!"

"Stop running numbnuts! Take it like a fucking man!" she screamed back.

I remember being somewhat impressed with the never ending stream of piss.

As we watched in morbid fascination, she caught his arm, whipped him around and busted him right in the goddamn face.

A look of disbelief and shock replaced her maniacal lunatic expression, when, with a bloody smile, Chuck readjusted his dick and finished what he'd started....
all over the front of Cindy.

They broke up.

I decided right that drinking at home was a great idea and that double fucking dates were a big HELL NO NEVER AGAIN.


9 comments:

  1. Give me strength! That was some funny shit right there! Poor Chuck.

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  2. Damn funny shit. My wife is a bartender but we do our drinking at home where it is relatively safe.

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  3. omg. people are strange. and good writing because I certainly invisioned the whole thing while reading it.

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  4. LOL
    LOL

    I'm glad I never had to run with my stuff out!

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  5. I worked as a bartender for six years. Indeed some crazy shit and crazy MoFos.

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  6. You holding out on the posse'? We're fucking paying that bitch to tend bar when you have all the experience we need? Cancel your vacation..you have just replaced the bitch behind the bar.. We're paying you in Gin and Tonic..

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  7. Donda, I need strength too. If you find some, please send me the damn address so I may get some too. Thanks!

    Mike, I didn't say it is "safe" to drink at my house, but it sure beats the fuck outta hanging with Crazy Mary & Dirty Harry.

    Dazee, I wish you really could have been there, ya know, instead of me. Those two were fucking nuts.

    Mommy, I think Chuck gave as good as he got. If I had to, I would still choose Cindy over Chuck to have my back in a brawl.

    Me too Sage, but should it ever happen, you now know what to do. You're Welcome.

    Epiphany, True that!

    Oh motherfucking hell. Me an my big ass mouth. Yes, I have experience, Yes I've been holding out, but oh hell no am I cancelling my vacation.

    Dutchess needs a new pair of really expensive shoes baby! I will, however, take up my duties when I return. I make the best motherfucking Salty Dog and Dutchess Island Tea you have ever had. In the meantime, I'm sending that hot cabana boy to fill in. He pours a mean beer.

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  8. Damn I wonder how scared of me I'd have to make Mr. CB before he'd run with his junk out and pissing!!!!

    I'm going to have to test this shit out!!

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