Insomnia, Ninja Cats and A Blow Job

I'm an insomniac and live on very little sleep. For the most part, I'm good with that. I've been this way as long as I can remember, and it's just who I am. There are days, however, that it all just catches up, and I'm fucking tired, yo!

Yesterday was exhausting and tried my fucking patience. After a day of traffic jams, mind numbing errands, bickering kids, barking dogs, laundry, cooking supper and a dozen an after dinner drink, I was ready to go the hell to sleep.

What's that sound, you ask? It's the sound of the universe laughing. Just ignore the bastard.

I dropped into bed at 10:30, thinking to myself, "whoa! I haven't voluntarily went to bed this early since goddamn grade school!", and close my eyes.

Enter the Duke. He thinks me going to bed before 2:00AM is code for "let's have hot monkey sex". 5 minutes later, (Shut the fuck up, don't judge, we've been married for what seems like forever. Or maybe I am just that fucking good). I close my eyes again, and start to blissfully drift off to sleep.

There is suddenly, what sounds to be my cat in a WWE/WWF (make up your fucking mind McMahon) Battle Royal cat fight, outside my window.

Motherfucker, I hate cats. I curse the day the Duke brought that goddamn fleabag cat into our lives. I jump out of bed, go over to the window and yell at the cats to shut the fuck up and go fight elsewhere.

Ah...Silence...I guess I told those harry bastards. I sink into bed and.....the fucking cat fight starts up again with a vengeance.

I can feel my fucking bliss starting to slowly recede. I'm going to kill that damn cat. Ok, probably not, but she sure as fuck is going to get her ass in the house for the night. I head downstairs, whip open the front goddamn door, stomp down the front porch into the drive, and the cats freeze.

Well shit, my cat is not even out here. Matter of fact, I now hear her meowing, from inside the mother fucking front door, goddamn pussy!!

No matter, these assholes are going to relocate their fight one way or another. So, I start walking toward them, shooing them away. This ballsy orange bastard cat with a death wish, starts to growl at me.

I'm thinking, Oh no you fucking didn't! I then make a hissing sound, hoping to scare them away. (again, no judging, I'm fucking sleep deprived, assbags!)

That crazy orange bastard comes charging right at me. I scream, because what if it's rabid! The fucker has ninja like speed and just before smashing into my leg, he dodges to the left, swats at me, catches my leg with his claw and takes off into the night.

jesus christ on a fucking cupcake y'all, I'm a motherfucking victim of a goddamn drive by, from a fucking CAT!

I go back into the house and try to talk to the Duke about rabies, drive-bys, and a ninja bastard cat that just attacked me.

Mr. "I Could Sleep Through a Train Coming Through the House", mumbles and turns over. It's amazing how you can love someone one minute and want to punch him in the fucking throat the next.

I stalk to the bathroom, wash out the scratch that is now slightly bleeding, and trudge back to bed to attempt sleeping again.

"Whooo who who whooot". My eyes pop open. What the fuck? "Whoo who who whoot".

Holyfuckamoly, you gotta be kidding me! We haven't had an owl around here since last fall. I step out onto the balcony and light a smoke, and start talking, trying to scared it away. I can't see it, but I know the fucker is there somewhere. I finish my smoke, and hadn't heard the owl, so I go back to bed. "Whoooo who who whooot".

I'm wonder where that fuck that orange ninja attack bastard cat is, and cursing the motherfucking universe.

At this point, I'm the only one awake and the sounds of the family sleeping is really beginning to piss me off.

"Whooo who who whooot". Awww fuck it, the universe is totally fucking with me so I decide to get up. I pace, I read, I smoke, and then think coffee sounds like a brilliant idea. More of that sleep deprived thinking, obviously.

I finally end up going to bed at 4:39 am, but that's ok. Duke said he would take Lord Crash to football practice and Prissy has to work, but drives herself, so I'm thinking I'm going to get to sleep in. Yeah Me!

At 6:01 this morning Lord crash has lost his goddamn mind and is singing, "Oh, What A Beautiful Morning" at the top of his fucking lungs. I hurl a string of obscenities his way, and tell him to SHUT-THE-HELL-UP!

I pull the covers over my totally bliss less fucking head and vigilantly vow to go back to sleep....Just as I hear a motherfucking chainsaw firing up, and the shredder machine starting at the house across the street. They are clearing their back lot to put up a garage.

Duke comes out of the bathroom and sees his Dutchess standing in her ratty bathrobe with crazy eyes, crazy hair, clutching Lord Crashes Bow & Arrow in one hand and a bottle of Patron in the other mumbling something about murder one, a bow shoved up the neighbors ass and killing the next mother fucker that makes one goddamn sound.

I glare at him, daring him to say one. motherfucking. word.

Duke looks scared, licks his lips, stammers and finally says, "ummmm, this Saturday, Vegas, room service, expensive shoe shopping, and a suite at the Golden Nugget?"

He is sooooo getting more than 5 minutes of hot monkey sex AND a blow job. I may even swallow.