Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Insomnia, Ninja Cats and A Blow Job

I'm an insomniac and live on very little sleep. For the most part, I'm good with that. I've been this way as long as I can remember, and it's just who I am. There are days, however, that it all just catches up, and I'm fucking tired, yo!

Yesterday was exhausting and tried my fucking patience. After a day of traffic jams, mind numbing errands, bickering kids, barking dogs, laundry, cooking supper and a dozen an after dinner drink, I was ready to go the hell to sleep.

What's that sound, you ask? It's the sound of the universe laughing. Just ignore the bastard.

I dropped into bed at 10:30, thinking to myself, "whoa! I haven't voluntarily went to bed this early since goddamn grade school!", and close my eyes.

Enter the Duke. He thinks me going to bed before 2:00AM is code for "let's have hot monkey sex". 5 minutes later, (Shut the fuck up, don't judge, we've been married for what seems like forever. Or maybe I am just that fucking good). I close my eyes again, and start to blissfully drift off to sleep.

There is suddenly, what sounds to be my cat in a WWE/WWF (make up your fucking mind McMahon) Battle Royal cat fight, outside my window.

Motherfucker, I hate cats. I curse the day the Duke brought that goddamn fleabag cat into our lives. I jump out of bed, go over to the window and yell at the cats to shut the fuck up and go fight elsewhere.

Ah...Silence...I guess I told those harry bastards. I sink into bed and.....the fucking cat fight starts up again with a vengeance.

I can feel my fucking bliss starting to slowly recede. I'm going to kill that damn cat. Ok, probably not, but she sure as fuck is going to get her ass in the house for the night. I head downstairs, whip open the front goddamn door, stomp down the front porch into the drive, and the cats freeze.

Well shit, my cat is not even out here. Matter of fact, I now hear her meowing, from inside the mother fucking front door, goddamn pussy!!

No matter, these assholes are going to relocate their fight one way or another. So, I start walking toward them, shooing them away. This ballsy orange bastard cat with a death wish, starts to growl at me.

I'm thinking, Oh no you fucking didn't! I then make a hissing sound, hoping to scare them away. (again, no judging, I'm fucking sleep deprived, assbags!)

That crazy orange bastard comes charging right at me. I scream, because what if it's rabid! The fucker has ninja like speed and just before smashing into my leg, he dodges to the left, swats at me, catches my leg with his claw and takes off into the night.

jesus christ on a fucking cupcake y'all, I'm a motherfucking victim of a goddamn drive by, from a fucking CAT!

I go back into the house and try to talk to the Duke about rabies, drive-bys, and a ninja bastard cat that just attacked me.

Mr. "I Could Sleep Through a Train Coming Through the House", mumbles and turns over. It's amazing how you can love someone one minute and want to punch him in the fucking throat the next.

I stalk to the bathroom, wash out the scratch that is now slightly bleeding, and trudge back to bed to attempt sleeping again.

"Whooo who who whooot". My eyes pop open. What the fuck? "Whoo who who whoot".

Holyfuckamoly, you gotta be kidding me! We haven't had an owl around here since last fall. I step out onto the balcony and light a smoke, and start talking, trying to scared it away. I can't see it, but I know the fucker is there somewhere. I finish my smoke, and hadn't heard the owl, so I go back to bed. "Whoooo who who whooot".

I'm wonder where that fuck that orange ninja attack bastard cat is, and cursing the motherfucking universe.

At this point, I'm the only one awake and the sounds of the family sleeping is really beginning to piss me off.

"Whooo who who whooot". Awww fuck it, the universe is totally fucking with me so I decide to get up. I pace, I read, I smoke, and then think coffee sounds like a brilliant idea. More of that sleep deprived thinking, obviously.

I finally end up going to bed at 4:39 am, but that's ok. Duke said he would take Lord Crash to football practice and Prissy has to work, but drives herself, so I'm thinking I'm going to get to sleep in. Yeah Me!

At 6:01 this morning Lord crash has lost his goddamn mind and is singing, "Oh, What A Beautiful Morning" at the top of his fucking lungs. I hurl a string of obscenities his way, and tell him to SHUT-THE-HELL-UP!

I pull the covers over my totally bliss less fucking head and vigilantly vow to go back to sleep....Just as I hear a motherfucking chainsaw firing up, and the shredder machine starting at the house across the street. They are clearing their back lot to put up a garage.

Duke comes out of the bathroom and sees his Dutchess standing in her ratty bathrobe with crazy eyes, crazy hair, clutching Lord Crashes Bow & Arrow in one hand and a bottle of Patron in the other mumbling something about murder one, a bow shoved up the neighbors ass and killing the next mother fucker that makes one goddamn sound.

I glare at him, daring him to say one. motherfucking. word.

Duke looks scared, licks his lips, stammers and finally says, "ummmm, this Saturday, Vegas, room service, expensive shoe shopping, and a suite at the Golden Nugget?"

He is sooooo getting more than 5 minutes of hot monkey sex AND a blow job. I may even swallow.

10 comments:

  1. Dang girl after gong though all that you sure deserve the opportunity to give that blow job. I always allow my wife to blow me when she has had a hard day/night! Duke is a peach for allowing that!

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  2. whooooooot whooooooot don't tell the girls you swallow... well, unless you are in love ..for sure.. not the I love you.. I'm gonna punch you in the throat..type love.. but /./// I put up with you laughing when I fell off the deck and broke my leg..type love... Oh wait.. that is you guys.. OK.. CARRY ON..

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  3. OMFG! I swear we have an orange fat cat too that thinks he has to meow and fight all night long by our bedroom window! I have used our BB gun on him so many times you would think he would get tired of it! I think the fucking cat enjoys it and gets off on it!

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  4. Fuck me I couldn't stop laughing from this one. I know what your groing through becuase I might get two hours a night if I'm lucky....fucking orange cat, I would have so kicked him in the face.

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  5. Must be hereditary then... I sleep for about 4 hours a night... then I'm fucking exhausted EVERY mother fucking day!!!

    I mean really... Mr. CB is EXACTLY the same way. If I'm in bed before 3... I MUST want to be slammed. Uuuuum no. No fucking thank you.

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  6. Holy Shit...that there was some funny stuff!!!

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  7. Prince Charming knows better than to touch me after 1AM (unless I provoke him). I'm not against using mace on him so I can get some sleep.

    I want to know how men can fall into half-conscious mini-comas in 30 seconds while I lay staring at the ceiling fan for 3 hours!!

    As for the cat... I suggest a .22 bullet or a Pit Bull... whichever you're more comfortable with.

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  8. Oh my God , this was just too funny!!!! Am I the only one married to a man who thinks, just because HE wakes up, I want to have sex? BTW - You know what an 11 is right? It's a 10 who swallows. Peace.

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  9. Sage, He is a peach....sometimes

    Sis, yep that is us.

    Amy, I say death to all orange cats. fuck them

    Wolf, I was stunned the fucker was charging at me. But I'm prepared for that little fucker now.

    Niece SkankyPants, I know RIGHT?!

    Donda, that's my life, one big motherfucking joke. lol

    Other Niece SkankyPants, I thought about the pitbull, but I've grown fond of my chihuahuas, and I'm pretty sure the PB would consider them a snack.

    Middlechild, I do believe you are not the only one. I believe it's in the man code for them to think that way.

    Tylenol 3 is ok, but I kinda prefer halcion. :)

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