Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Letters From The Dutchess, Volume One

Dear Illinois Department Of Transportation,

Oh for fuck sake! Why oh why are you still doing road work on the SAME GODDAMN ROAD you were working on 2 years ago?

Rush hour is fucking bad enough, but because of you dillholes, the usual hour and a half commute took 3 and a half motherfucking hours. I had to be up and on the road at the asscrack of dawn this morning. That? Makes the Dutches a very unhappy bitch.

Lucky for your road crew at Mile Marker 103, I had my favorite coffee, with Kahlua of course. If it would have been a regular cup of motherfucking joe, I would have whipped it at the 5 assbags I saw standing around, laughing, and enjoying motherfucking donuts this morning as I passed by. I SO would have nailed their motherfucking asses too. Because at 3.5 miles per fucking hour? I've got kick ass aim.

BTW, if I had a job and my production rate was double what yours was? I'd STILL be fired so fast, my fucking head would spin. But not you, nope. Instead of actually completing the job on-time, you DOUBLED THE FUCKING TOLLS on the toll road to compensate the over budget problems.

Nice, but do you think you could at least do something about the ginormous fucking pot holes that are big enough to make small foreign cars disappear?
Thanks Much, dicklickers.

The Dutchess

Dear Douche Bag With The Expensive Suit and BMW,

Riding my ass and honking your fucking horn repeatedly not will make me, nor the other 4 fucking million cars in front of me, magically hover in mid air so you can speed to your oh-so-important job.

It will, however, cause me to give you a mighty double middle finger salute, damn you to hell and hope that the fleas of 100 mother fucking camels infest your pubic hair.

I'm also curious, Mr. Black BMW, as to why you accelerate to 120 MPH when you can plainly see that 750 feet in front of you, the fucking traffic has come to a goddamn standstill?

You have to know, assclown, that you will need to slam on your brakes to stop. Do you know that when you do that, other motorists panic, spill their coffee and shit their pants because they believe they are about to be involved in a demo motherfucking derby type sandwich crash?

But hey, you were able to pass 2 cars in the 750 feet, so all is good, huh?
Fuck-you-very-much, jackass

You got off easy because Lord Crash was in the car with me. Take note though, If I see you again, I will ram your motherfucking ass with my SUV until you are dangling over the motherfucking expressway, spilling your favorite coffee and shitting your designer fucking pants....I have 4WD, do NOT fuck with me.
Piss Off dickweed.


  1. You got to love those ass bandits for pulling that kind of crap off. I also love the fuckers who are yelling into their cell phone when driving who don't watch over their shoulder and almost side swipe you. To them a most heart felt FUCK YOU I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU

  2. Nice rant Duchess. I know I would have to blow off steam (and smoke a couple of spliffs) after a 3 1/2 hr commute filled with pot holes, donut swilling morons, and BMW driving shitheads.

  3. oh fucking shit... I think I'm in love....

  4. OMG, you fucking crack me up. I want to be in the car with you next time this shit happens because I think between the 2 of us, we could make the news.

  5. Wolf, Right!? Hate those ass bastards.

    Why Thank you Mike.

    Sir T, such a sweet talker.

    Anytime Dazee, although you may want to leave bail money with someone you trust.

  6. Damn! And I thought I was bad on the road!

  7. I've soooo had flashes of smashing someone over an embankment!!!! Watching them plummet to their assbag-ish douche fucking death!!!

    This why Mr. CB rarely lets me drive unless it absolutely cannot be avoided!!!