Monday, July 19, 2010

The Quicky Mart and Parenting Jackassery

Mikey! Mikey come here! Mikey, I said, come here! Don't do that Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, MIKEY!!!

That is what I heard for five solid motherfucking minutes minutes while I was in the Quicky Mart.

Mikey was the 3 year old who was running amok all over the goddamn QM knocking shit down while his parents, AKA, Senor Dickhead and his Whiskey Tango White Trash Ho, were getting their post methadone clinic fucking Big Gulps and Twizzlers.

Every fucking 30 seconds I heard, “Mikey, come here” like a goddamn hillbilly foghorn.

I wanted to yell “You dumb motherfucker, Take hold of that little fucking terrorist that you call Mikey and put a goddamn leash on him. Just because you turn your fat jowls and watch your crotch parasite terrorize the place while yelling Mikey every fucking thirty seconds does not make up for your lack of parenting skills douche bag“.

I chose not to because they may revoke my goddamn parole if there is one more incident because I just wanted out of there. Big Brother was coming on soon.

I paid, and stalked out of the fucking door.

I figured the parents of the motherfucking year must have finally made their purchase too because as I was unlocking my truck, Mikey the Terrorist, came tearing out of the store like a motherfucking cat that just figured out he wandered into a goddamn Chinese restaurant!

Mikey the Terrorist was headed straight towards the open parking lot and into the fucking traffic. He is 2 goddamn feet tall. He would have run right by me and not been seen by the oncoming car.

I glanced over at Whiskey Tango White Trash Ho and her compadre Senior Dickhead. I was hoping to see a look of horror as they realized the impending motherfucking impact of their prodigal son.

But, to no ones great surprise, the assholes were busy arguing over a coupon for a sleeve of motherfucking Skoal Bandits.

Because I'm not always a cold hearted bitch, I grabbed the kid with my free hand and jerked him back from running in front of the car of death that was speeding through the parking lot.

I then walked Mikey the Terrorist over to Senor Dickhead for what I thought would be a hero’s goddamn welcome.

Not so much.

Senor Dickhead just glared and said that I should get my hands off of his son.

The Fuck?

I smiled and asked if he was sure he was his son because everyone knows your ho is a carpenter's dream, if ya know what I mean? flat and easy to nail. wink wink.

Note to Self: Some jokes seem to make white trash confused and upset and want to fight.

He raised his grubby fucking fists, started to say something and.....

I kicked him square in the motherfucking nuts.

Sometimes I'm a fighter, Sometimes I’m a lover. However, what I am is a cheap bastard and I didn’t want to spill the "bigger than my fucking head" soda I just bought and was carrying in my right hand.

In retrospect, I may have overreacted. Yes, I kicked him in the balls, but in my defense, I felt threatened and just reacted.

I hope Brandon is ok and Senor Dickhead is feeling better.


Fuck you, assclowns
The dr. pepper was fucking delicious!


  1. I would have let their kid hit traffic or better yet take their skank asses and thrown them in traffic.

  2. they sound like real white trash motherfuckers. glad you showed him.

  3. "crotch parasite"

    OMG Have I told you That I Fucking Love you,.. Cause Like I do!!!

  4. sigh. here I am on like my second post and you are hatin on snuff dippers. Why you gotta hate on us like that for?

    Also the lover/fighter thing I always figured they weren't that far apart, I mean loving done right makes you feel like you have been in a 15 round fight, right?

  5. Agreed! You know, if parents want to let their kids play in traffic, then I guess they all need to learn the consequences - sadly. Classic WT.

  6. Crotch parasite........that is hilarious. Glad you kicked him in the balls, hopefully it did enough damage so he can't help his ho crap out another little bastard....well if it's his anyway. Other then that they sound like wonderful human beings who should go on the Jerry Springer show, preferably one that involes goats, and his white trash ho cheating on him with an entire football team.

  7. OMFG! This was hilarious! Some people should not be allowed children. Thanks for giving me the jolt of fucking laughter I needed this morning!

  8. The Smiths, that would have required me to put my Dr. Pepper down, and, well... no

    Thanks Teresa, just doin' my part to rid the world of stupud assclowns

    Sassy, I fucking love you too whore!

    Oh Sage, I don't hate all snuff dippers, just ones that resemble asshats

    Epiphany, sad, but true

    Wolf, I love the way you think.

    Amy, some entire goddamn families should be banned from having kids. The idiot gene runs deep.

  9. crotch parasite!!!! HOLY FUCKHOLE!! That is by far the greatest terroristic monster reference on the planet! You should totally get an award for that!

  10. If that fucker would have raised his fist at me I'd have kicked that asstard in the balls too! Then while he was laying on the ground, I would whipped the skank whores ass by association!