The Dutchess of Dorkville

You might not know this about me, since I come across really sweet in this blog

...HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS BEEALICIOUS THAT FUCKING LIGHTENING BOLT WAS CLOSE!....

Ok, ok dammit! So...you know I’m actually quite famous for getting into random arguments with strangers.

If I say we went to Disneyland last week my friends never say oh yeah? How was it?
They always say "How many fights did you get in this time, Dutchess?"

I don’t care what you fucking think, no one is cutting in front of me when I’ve been standing in line for 3 goddamn hours, so suck it.

And for the record, that dickbag Chinese man? Well, fucker just needs to watch his damn elbows. As in, take care not to jam his elbow into my kid’s eye because he’s all fired up about the motherfucking parade on Main Street.

My friends like to exaggerate this talent of mine, it actually doesn’t happen all that often...

OUCH!!! LOOK HERE, MOTHER NATUE OR GOD...WHATEVER.. THAT FUCKING BOLT OF LIGHTENING FRIZZED UP MY GODDAMN HAIR!!!! YOU ASSHOLES ARE PUSHING ME.

Ok, so when it happens, things get out of hand sometimes.

There was the time in 7/11 when an irate customer was berating the clerk for way longer than I deemed necessary. This was preventing me from paying for my fucking 6 pack and package of Hostess Cupcakes. No one stands between the Dutchess, her beer & cupcakes

He was all like...
"I said pump 6 not pump 9 you stupid twat!

Blah blah blah...On and on until I said “Ok, asshats, I'm going to pay for my stuff and go. I can’t really listen to this bullshit much longer.”

That Irate customer? went motherfucking crazy.

That stupid Skank called me an in-bred fat ass trailer ho.

The fuck? No one calls me that and gets away with it....except for my Momma.

So I called her an ass-sucking, idiotic, shady piece of shit, then she said…
Well. you get the idea.

I was in perfect form the other day when I left the dentist’s office, headed to the pharmacy.

My whole fucking top lip was dead and I looked like I had just had a pretty major stroke. Everything I said sounded something like this “Mwah mmm. arg ackah” and I wasn’t really looking to fight with any douchebag.

I pull into a parking spot and there’s this skank ass hooker unloading bags into her car. She lets her cart go and it starts rolling towards my SUV. I reversed out of the parking space to avoid getting hit by the goddamn run away cart, but it ricocheted off the car it did hit and still managed to clip the front of my motherfucking truck.

I wasn’t going to say anything to this woman. My mouth was swollen and throbbing, and I needed a stiff drink.

Even though she stood there watching her cart roll away making this stupidass face where her mouth was a perfect little O, as if it was completely incomprehensible that she might run after the cart and stop it from rolling through the parking lot…

Whatever, dumb twat is not worth making me one more second late for my rendezvous with my Vicodin and Margarita.

I DID consider (only briefly) ramming her motherfucking cart into the front of her car, tit for tat and all, but instead I merely got out of the car, grabbed the cart and rolled it over to the Kart-Korral that was 3 feet away from me.

Meanwhile, dumb ass cunt nugget is saying things like “Oh was that mine? Is that my cart?”

Well motherfucking DUH!. Are you the person who just now let it go and watched it roll away from you?

I still hadn’t said a word or even acknowledged that I heard her speaking until she said “I’m sorry, it just got away from me!” and gave this lame little giggle almost like she was flirting or being charming.

I just really fucking HATE women like that, those hair tossing, giggling, "Who? Little ole me?" types.

I just shot her my, "I could kill you with the motherfucking heel of my stilettos twat face" death look and stalked back to my truck.

I was actually thinking I had done an excellent job keeping my fat mouth shut when she had the balls to say “See? That’s why people don’t apologize! Cause you’re a bitch!”

Whoa! Wait, what?
The FUCK?!
Sorry, I really really tried, but that bitch just wrote her own ticket.

I prepared to slice, dice, and cut her into pieces with my acidic tirade waiting to burst from these lips! Deep breath in and...

“ACK UU u sphucking athhipe thalri rass unth uggt!”

HA! I fucking told her skanky ho ass!