Saturday, July 17, 2010

I'm Okay, You're Just Stupid

Oh the people. The stupid people that is…oh how they make my fucking head hurt. I often wonder how some of these jackasses make it out of bed in the morning without someone holding their tittie-baby hand and reminding them where they keep their clean fucking underwear.

Anyway... Today I received an alert from the
Royal Family.

Look asshats, when the Royal Family sends out an alert, there is shit that must be done to prepare. First is, sobering myself up, which -by the way- pisses me off.

There is also the hassle of contacting local enforcement agencies. You see, when the Royal Family is on the move, we are obligated, by law and parole conditions, to tell the motherfucking authorities. Don't ask. If we told you, we'd have to fucking kill you.

We must warn local bartenders, because well..., obviously. And lastly, there is the task of stocking up on weed, Xanax, skittles, anti-bacterial soap, shanks, nip clips, cupcakes and other shit necessities.

I was given the task of stock piling the goods and contraband. Ok, I'm good with that, until I get to the fucking ATM.

This is NOT rocket science dicklicks. You drive up with your card already in hand. You put it in the goddamn slot. You enter your PIN that you should have MEMORIZED. You make your little transaction, grab that cash and be on your merry fucking way. Period. End of sentence, end of issue.

I will now present a list of things that it is NOT okay to do while at an ATM if there is a person behind you. (If you are the only one at the motherfucking ATM and there is nobody waiting, I don’t give a rat’s ass what you do, smoke a joint, pick your nose, slap the monkey, or recite a fucking sonnet, I don't give a shit. But as soon as someone pulls up behind you, shut the hell up and move on.)

1. It is not okay to have to rummage through your purse or wallet to find your ATM card. Have that bitch ready. I don’t want to wait for you to dig through your shit. My time is valuable. There is only a small window of oppertunity for me to accomplish my task before my body starts going into serious motherfucking withdawls from being sober the family arrives.

2. If there are people waiting, it is NOT okay to make more than two fucking transactions. One is preferred, but if you need to check and see if you have any money in the first place, no big deal, I’m feeling generous and if you aren’t capable of having some idea of how much money you have, I won’t hold it against you. But, an ATM line at 7:asscrack in the morning is NOT the time to wire money to motherfucking Pakistan, or purchase stock or whatever in the hell you were doing.

3. It is NOT okay to groom yourself while you are at the ATM. I swear if I see a brush or lipstick come out I’m going to hit you with my car bitch. No joke. Get your shit done and MOVE THE HELL ALONG. If you want to put on make-up, wait until you get back on the goddamn road like the rest of us.

4. It is NOT okay to back through the ATM so the person in the passenger seat can use it. Buck up you pussy, tell the driver your PIN. Your bank account is NOT a matter of national goddamn security no matter what your Mommy said. Don’t be such a pansy assed bitch.

5. It is NOT okay to have to consult a piece of paper for your PIN number. The whole point is that it needs to be something you REMEMBER. The only exception to this rule is if it is a new card and you have just received the PIN number. You get this pass only once. Know your shit yo!

6. Once you have completed your transaction it is NOT okay to organize your fucking purse or wallet. If you are one of those people who cannot cope with your money floating on your seat for a fucking minute until you get going again, pull into a motherfucking parking spot and get your shit together.

7. It is NOT okay to turn off your car while making a transaction. This is mostly a personal thing but it gets on my booze free nerves. Look assclown, don’t turn off your peice of shit pinto, just put on the parking brake if you can’t handle keeping your foot on the brake. I drive a goddamn stick-shift so don’t give me that bullshit about killing the engine. Put that bitch in neutral and use the fucking parking brake. It's not going anyfuckingwhere.

8. If your window is broken and you have to use the ATM by driving up and getting OUT of your vehicle, it is NOT okay to use the fucking ATM. You have two choices douchebag. Get your shit fixed OR (anyone… anyone… Bueller… anyone…) GO THE FUCK INSIDE!

Seriously cunt chewer. Does that sign say “Walk-thru ATM” No. It fucking does not. It says “Drive-thru” ATM.

Do you walk through McDonald’s to get your fucking Big Mac and super size fries? I’ll hazard a guess that you don’t.

But if you do…you are wrong, you are buttmunch stupid, and you should be put out of your own goddamn misery.

Oh look!!! It's Beer:30! Now, asshats, who is buying the first round of shots?


  1. I hope people will take your ATM rules to heart. Probably not cause they are dumb asses. I love your sense of humor.

  2. lol thats too funny!!these rules could be applied most places that is drive thru ugh!

  3. Seriously, they should post these rules at every drive up ATM. Brills!

  4. Sorry sis.. I was in a frenzied fit and I couldn't think.. if I knew it was you I would have brought you a drink

  5. I have to disagree on this one point...

    if you dont have any fucking money or enough to cover what you want to take out...

    YOU FUCKING KNOW THIS..... you low life piece of shit. get a hold of your money and balance your shit. *shakes head* you know you only got 13 dollars and you have to take out 20... hello asshat its not going to fucking work...


  6. OMG I am laughing my ass off now, my kids are worried 'cause I never laugh, unless they aren't around!
    I loved number 4!!! I can so relate to people who don't want to share their PIN. Come on, it's not like I have your card, and if I did, it's not like you have enough money to allow me to live in the manner in which I've become accustomed...bwahahahahah!
    Good one Duchess, I can always count on you to brighten my shitty day!

  7. oh, I agree. This goes for the drive thru anywhere, burger joints especially!!!!!

  8. Damn right bitch!

    Maybe it's only the Royal Family that can put eye-liner on, paint their toe-nails and smoke WHILE driving...

    We're multi-fucking-talented hoe!

  9. CB, except the other night when your aunt and I were a little looped... I smoked my eyeliner and she painted her smokes.. it was an ugly scene..

    When I came to, she had nail polish all ever her lips and I had black lips.. thought I'd tried something new there for a little bit before I figured it was eyeliner..

  10. Thanks Mike. I wish everyone would do what I said. But alas...stupid fucking people...

    Brit, that is a great idea bitch!

    Thank you Epiphany

    Goddamn it sis.... I knew you had to have sonething to do with my day being fucked up. you owe me a drink bitch.

    Sir Thomas, I was feeling generous, but now that I'm high again, you are right. I stand corrected, just don't get use to me saying that, mkay?

    Sandra, welcome to the "My Kids Think I'm Fucking Insane" club.

    Dazee, next time the bitch at Burger King asks me what I want, I'm going to tell her that Burger King advertises that I get to "Have It My Way". Then I'm showing her these rules and telling her to post them on the goddamn drive thru menu.

    Yes we are CB, yes we are.

    OMG SIS (peed)!!!!! But, I thought your lips were black because you were drunk and mistook a tailpipe for that last John's willy

    and, jesus christ on a cupcake! I've been wracking my alcohol drenched buzzing brain trying to remember the name of that "Best Stay On Lipstick EVEAH!" Mother fuck....I should have known...