Best! Present! Evah! and Carol Brady

First, I want to say a great big thank you to Dame Penis and Sir. They invented THIS KICK ASS BEST PRESENT EVER

I know, you're jealous, right?!!! Sir has some bad ass skills. He must be related to MacGyver, or maybe the inventor of the Shamwow.

Hey! I wonder what he could come up with if I gave him a gum wrapper, a creepy garden gnome, a foot of purple yarn, and some nipple tassels.

Anyway..

Tonight was the premiere of Dancing With The Stars. I could give a fuck, because the Saints game was on, but the Duke is head and nuts in lust with Brooke Burke.

Make no mistake, the Duke is all sports all the time, but Brooke will always beat a Saints game in his eyes. He was willing to miss the kick-off so he could sit and stare at the TV with a stupid grin on his face taking in all the Brookalicious tits and ass goodness.

Although, because I'm the one he gets actual blowjobs from, I say football trumps Brooke Burke. Fuck you, I win.

So, as the Duke and I were watching the Saints game, he would quickly flip over to DWTS during commercial breaks.

This drives me fucking crazy. He gets in his Brooke-zone and forgets to flip back.

I missed the first fucking touchdown, I have been in a bitchy mood all day, and this is just fucking annoying the piss out of me.

I looked at the Duke, rolled my eyes and said, "Go back to the fucking game assclown!"

Duke says, "It's a commercial, and the Man Code CLEARLY states that I'm allowed to do this, so I'm flipping, (you off) ahem, during commercials. Deal with it Dutch."

"The hell? Did you just say you were flipping me off?"

"No babe, nope, uh-uh, not me."

"Listen asshole..... Oh jesus christ, look at that... I HATE that douche bag, Jersey Shore, Situation guy. I could care fucking less about his abs or stinking laundry... The only "Shore" I'm interested in is The Gucci Shore

....wait....

Is that Florence Henderson?

Did she just lift up her goddamn shirt and flash us her ancient tits in some cheap, tired looking white bra? What the hell would Mike Brady think? What in the fuck is she... "

Next, I hear a strange gurgling sound coming from the direction of the Duke. I look over and his eyed are bugged out, his mouth was in a perfect O, and was opening and closing repeatedly. Kind of like a fucking guppy. I thought he swallowed the lime in the Corona and was now choking. Just fucking great.

I sprang to my feet, (yes sprang, I have mad Ninja skillz bitches), and just as I was about to give him the Heimlich Maneuver, the Duke looks at me with glazed over eyes and starts to stutter.

....That. Is. Not. My Brooke.

Old...uh... saggy skin white woman in a bra.

Why? WHY? WHHHHYYYYYYYY?!!!!

Oh my god...ABC...Assholes...

Never. Do. That. Shit. Again.

Now I'm scarred for fucking life and my goddamn eyes need retina transplants!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Serves him right. Never flip off the Dutchess because it will bring about some bad juju on your ass.

I need to take my ass minimizer for a spin around the block. See you hookers next time.

Marley And His Bitch

I am still fighting the Battle of the Snot. I despise having a cold, but having one at the end of summer? Suck big ass.

However, something happened around here this weekend that I have been dying to share with you.

The Duke's mother is a ridiculous pain in my goddamn ass sweet woman. For that reason, we roll our goddamn eyes and break out the allergy medicine and Kleenex all forgive her for buying the Duke Jovan Musk for every goddamn federal holiday and all his birthday's since he was old enough to slap some on and go cruising down to the local drive-in in his mustard colored Pinto.

When I saw it sitting on his computer desk the other day, I asked him about it.

"Are you thinking about wearing that shit? You know it makes all of us sneeze."

"Well, my mother is coming in a few days, so I guess I'll start wearing it now so we can all get use to it before she comes."

He'll wear it while she is here, and then I'm sure it will end up gathering dust until I send it the way of the thousand other bottles before it...

I'll give it to the homeless dude that lives behind the McDonald's dumpster. What! Even homeless people like to feel sexy. And, that shit keeps the fucking rats away.

Over the weekend, the neighbor's new puppy Marley, tried in vain to make sweet, sweet love to the Duke's leg on a few different occasions.

While I am all about letting him go at it (I mean, really, he's having his goddamn nuts removed in a week and a half. Would it really kill the Duke to let Marley do the humpity-hump while he was sucking down beers and bullshitting with the people next door? No? I didn't think so), the Duke cringes and shrieks like a fucking girl as he's shooing him away.

After the last incident, I felt the need to explain Marley's urge to dominate him.

"Honey, you know why he humps your leg, right?"

He looks at me, very seriously, and replies, "Because I'm wearing Jovan Musk?"

Oh my fucking hell, I laughed until I dissolved into an uncontrollable coughing fit and peed myself.

Oh hell, I fucking love than man!

Now back to cold medicine, the couch and shitty daytime TV.

Protecting America, One Homeless Dude At A Time

I think everyone in America has a fucking cell phone.

Today I saw a goddamn homeless dude unplug the water machine outside of the Quickie Mart and plug in his cell phone to recharge it.

His goddamn cell phone….

The Hell?

Who the fuck is he gonna call?

Little shitty Caesar's??

Who the hell could be on his “Fav – Five”?

The Salvation Army?
The Local Soup kitchen?
The goddamn Methadone Clinic?

I can just imagine some other homeless guy yelling at him for pushing his cart and using his motherfucking phone at the same time. "No texting and driving, asshole!"

What the hell would you call a hands free device for a homeless guy?

A “One Tooth”?

I was mesmerized watching this shit.

I was tempted to ask him if he had a goddamn “Facebook” page but I could smell him from my SUV and I didn’t have any spare change.

Achmed from the Quickie Mart must have been alerted by someone else because he came balls to the walls out of that store yelling.

“Hullahullahullahullahullahullahullahulla!!! You stop dis right now smelly man!!!”

At that moment it hit me. I was watching the heart of the American spirit.

The homeless guy looked up at Achmed and said, and I quote, “Kiss my ass you terrorist FUCK!!!”

Holy fucking hell! I started laughing my ass off. Then I damn well started to applaud.

Don’t get me wrong. I felt bad for Achmed. He was just doing his job and I know he is not terrorist. But in that one fucking moment I realized that America is safe.

Even if the terrorist bastards could defeat our military, they could never defeat a country of homeless, pissed off, methadone addicts with motherfucking cell phones.

I'm so proud to be an American!