Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Protecting America, One Homeless Dude At A Time

I think everyone in America has a fucking cell phone.

Today I saw a goddamn homeless dude unplug the water machine outside of the Quickie Mart and plug in his cell phone to recharge it.

His goddamn cell phone….

The Hell?

Who the fuck is he gonna call?

Little shitty Caesar's??

Who the hell could be on his “Fav – Five”?

The Salvation Army?
The Local Soup kitchen?
The goddamn Methadone Clinic?

I can just imagine some other homeless guy yelling at him for pushing his cart and using his motherfucking phone at the same time. "No texting and driving, asshole!"

What the hell would you call a hands free device for a homeless guy?

A “One Tooth”?

I was mesmerized watching this shit.

I was tempted to ask him if he had a goddamn “Facebook” page but I could smell him from my SUV and I didn’t have any spare change.

Achmed from the Quickie Mart must have been alerted by someone else because he came balls to the walls out of that store yelling.

“Hullahullahullahullahullahullahullahulla!!! You stop dis right now smelly man!!!”

At that moment it hit me. I was watching the heart of the American spirit.

The homeless guy looked up at Achmed and said, and I quote, “Kiss my ass you terrorist FUCK!!!”

Holy fucking hell! I started laughing my ass off. Then I damn well started to applaud.

Don’t get me wrong. I felt bad for Achmed. He was just doing his job and I know he is not terrorist. But in that one fucking moment I realized that America is safe.

Even if the terrorist bastards could defeat our military, they could never defeat a country of homeless, pissed off, methadone addicts with motherfucking cell phones.

I'm so proud to be an American!


  1. GREAT POST! Habib would be pleased :)

  2. OMG... this is a great post sis.. i love it..

  3. LMAO!!!
    I love it! I would have been right there applauding with you as well!

  4. I gotta admit it, you are the funniest blogger I know. (sorry CB)

  5. Do you know how much I love your blog? Let me know when you put a book out. You are awesome!!!!!!!!!

  6. That is too funny and awsome all at once.

  7. God bless America bitch!!!! Bought tears to my eyes!

  8. Thank you Donda.

    Glad you like it Queenie

    Dazee, classic? I don't know. Funny as hell to watch? Oh hell yes.

    Of course you would Dame Amy, all of us Royals think alike.

    Oh hell Mike, thank you, but Niece Skankypants is a jealous bitch. Watch your back sweetie. She is dangerous when she's pissed

    Middle Child, your lips to a publishers ear.

    Thank you Wolfie.

    CB, I fucking heart your whore face.