The Royal Family Hits The High Seas

At the Hooker Convention last week, Queenie and I overheard someone talking about a cruise they had just been on. We heard there were many, many restaurants, themed entertainment nights, dozens of pools, fun activities and too many bars to count.

Well fuck, that sounded like heaven on earth, and honestly? That's as close as any of us bitches will ever get to heaven. Then we heard this...

IT'S ALL INCLUDED IN THE PRICE OF YOUR TICKET!

When The Queen heard that, she peed her pants, let out a slurred, "WOOHOO" and crab walked to the computer to buy our tickets.

That's right assholes, The Royals have commandeered a cruise ship. We set sail, heading to the warm, blue, Caribbean water to island hop and relax tomorrow.

Well, we hit the high seas tomorrow, providing someone is sober enough to make sure we get to the ship on time.

I was gone so long, this place is a sty! I'm hoping that someone will update my Royal Family links, change fonts, pretty up and clean this blog while I'm stoned outta my mind sleeping tonight. (HINT HINT)

Stay tuned, fuckers, you do NOT want to miss the royal christmas Cruise of 2011!

The Royal Story...Told In Limericks

There once was a blogger named Dutchess
Many said she was truly fucking scrumptious
Through the blogosphere she would go
Drinking, cussing, smoking, and so.
This bitch sure knew how to raise a big ruckus.

Then, very much and quite out of the blue
Dutch stumbled upon an old crazy lady in a shoe.
A farm in Nebraska is where she was from
where shoot first and ask later was her rule of thumb.
EMT, farmer and Queen are only some of the jobs she could do.

Fast friends and kindred spirits they quickly became
It was obvious to all they must have the same family name
Pretty soon they were plotting, scheming and hatching a plan
World domination was too hard so that plan they shit-canned.
The world wide web was destine to be their claim to fame.

Through hangovers, wannabes and Internet trolls
The Sisters with a beer tab crown did reach their goals.
A kick ass empire they did build
A palace with gators and the gin was always chilled.
Believe it or not, the entire Kingdom was supported by Ho's.

Parties, road trips, and special brownies they perfected
Famous or just infamous, they were socially connected.
Some have tried to overthrow them, copy and destroy
Silly fucking bitches will never hold a candle to the real McCoy.
They will chew you up, spit you out and you'll be rejected.

So on this drunken St. Patrick's day
Hoist your green beer and let's all say
Long live the Dutchess and the drunken Queen
Funny, witty, charming, and always a little obscene.
May you reign forever and a day.

To all you lurkers, readers, family and loyal fans
Thank you for being a part of our crazy ass plans
Without you all, we wouldn't be here
Corrupting the entire friggin' blogosphere.
For now we'll just get drunk, because we can!


Happy St. Paddy's Day all!

New Year, New Dutchess

Well, hello lovers! I'm finally back from Christmas vacation.

Aww, you are overcome with pure unabashed joy, right? Right!

Well, this is a new year, (Happy 2011 Hookers!), and that means another chance to start afresh. I don't usually do resolutions because, quite frankly, it's hard to remember things made while smashed and stoned on New Year's Eve.

This year, I knew you all would be wondering what the Dutchess will do in 2011, so I wrote them down!

1. I will stop suggesting that we go streaking at every party I attend.

2. I will get a mammogram and not be embarrassed when the Doctor opens the door and calls, "We're gonna need the Biggun's 2000 for this set!"

3. I will always “check for paper” before leaving the restroom. (shut the fuck up asswipes, like it has never happened to you!)

4. I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.

5. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet

6. I will stop lying to myself. (see above)

7. I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

8. I will learn to forgive and forget when it comes to my blood sucking, ass chapping, worthless waste of air beathing oxygen people I call my In-laws.

9. See number 6 and read number 8 again.

10. I will strive to shave my legs more than once every couple weeks. I caught the goddamn sheets on fire three times last year and spent $20,000 on Draino.

11. I will try a new haircut and never again think anyone can ever rock the Roseann Rosanadana look.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Holiday HNT and Wishes

I figured I'd bring a little nudity back to Dorkville for the holidays.

But first, the Great and Powerful Os has given us a small assignment for this one.

We are to pick three bloggers/HNTers that you'd give Christmas wishes/gifts to, with unlimited means and resources. I'm going old school on this one.

My three are no longer doing HNT, and most don't blog anymore either. Some of you old timers will know of whom I speak. The rest of you may have to comb Os' early archives for these HNT Hotties of Christmas past.

My first thought was of a Blogger called Muse. A blonde bombshell with a passion for pit bulls and the outdoors. She is gutsy, sexy, and always feisty. Remember her HNT pics from the hotel window in New York City? H.O.T! I would give her a huge house, a special device so she can talk, everyday, to her son who is about to be shipped off to the Middle East, and an endless supply of money to rescue all the pit bulls she wanted. Then she could come back to blogging/HNT with no worries.

My second gift goes to a hopeless romantic with a heart of gold and will of steel. Real Live Woman's Simply Leen is smart, funny, and gorgeous. Unfortunately, her Prince Charming turned out to be a toad. She moved back to California, went back to school, and working her ass off at a job she likes. Her words are almost as captivating as her eyes. I'd give her 4 front row concert tickets to any show she wanted to see for the rest of her life. This Simply Sexy Woman needs music as much as she needs the air she breathes.

The third and final gift goes to a guy I found on a Winding Crooked Trail. Edge is a cut above the rest when it comes to writing and photographs. I think he still blogs every once in a blue moon, but I do miss his sexy-artistic HNT photos. I think I'd give him the gift of time. Edge had a health scare, found his beautiful red-headed soul mate, married her, and then battled a county, or two, to be with her. They both have had more than their share of life's sucker punches and deserve the next 100 years to be blissfully happy.

Merry Christmas readers and HNTers of Christmas Past and Present.

The "girls" and I hope your holidays will be merry and bright. Not feeling merry or bright? Then I hope you have enough spiked eggnog to get through it. Or at least some sexy Christmas fun... Ho-Ho-Ho!

Happy

Bad Blogger, Hari Kari, and The Holidays

I'm aware of the lack of new and entertaining posts around here.

I'm aware that I haven't been a good blog friend. You all deserve much more than the drive by post viewing with no comment left behind that I've been doing.

All I can say is, I'm sorry. Internet, I love you, and hate neglecting you.

I wish I could promise that I will be fresh, charming, witty, and pee your pants funny with new posts EVERY SINGLE DAY!

But I can't. I'm crazy busy this time of year. In addition to my regular schedule, there are a shit load of Christmas parties to attend, gifts to purchase, a Christmas Day open house to ready for, baking, cooking, drinking, and eleventy-thousand presents to wrap.

Throw in an early blizzard, wind chill factors (that have me seriously thinking those global warming people are all smoking fucking crack), and my baby sister having heart surgery after a mild heart attack on Saturday.

Do you know what you get? A Dutchess that barely has time for a good shit and hot shower, that's what.

I doubt life will slow down until I've been driven over the goddamn edge and committed hari kari with the fucking scotch tape after the holidays.

Unfortunately, that means that you all will have to put up with this sporadic mediocrity and more drive by's for a couple more weeks.

However, I will make it up to you all at the party, and buy you a pretty pink pony, for being so patient.

What party?

Well.... Do you want to party like a rockstar Royal on New Year's Eve? Of course you do! (If not, you are a fuckstick)

Here is your chance. GO HERE RIGHT NOW . You will find all of the details and what not's. It's going to be a huge blow out full of drunken mayhem and debauchery. You don't want to miss it.

Blow OUT, asshats, not blowjob. .. jeeze!

Until next time, lovers...

The Christmas Crazy

I've been thinking y'all. I don't believe it's my depression that has my Christmas Spirit in a funk. It's our fucked up families.

Between The Duke and I, we have a large extended family. His side of the family is full of drama filled polish grudge holders, and my side of the family is chock full of the crazy, with a heavy sprinkle of redneck.

Duke's Mom, and Dad refuse to be within a 10 mile radius of each other. The divorce was 38 goddamn years ago. (I'm not kidding) GET. OVER. IT.

My family are a bunch of drunken rednecks who frequently holler, "Dude...Watch This!", usually followed by some kind of 911 call.

In order to keep the the damage to a minimum and the PoPo out of the annual Christmas pictures, we have a Christmas with each group individually. It goes like this...

**Christmas with The Duke's dead ex-wife's family two weeks before the 25th (don't fucking ask).

**We throw an annual X-mas party for our employees a week before Christmas.

**Christmas Eve at the house of The Duke's Dad (a Kenny Rogers pre-facelift look alike who shows old home movies of all the dead relatives and the duke's dead ex-wife) along with his
Step-Mom (Evil Whack Job)
Youngest Sister (who is perfect, just ask her)
her very young boyfriend. (She says boy toy is an extreme fighting champion. I think he's a fucking Mime. I've only heard him say seven motherfucking sentences in 3 years), and
her 2 teen boys (a drug addicted musician and an in the closet gay teen) and

**An Open House here at the castle with gifts for my family that includes,
my Mom (the original C.R.A.Z.Y)
my Step-Dad (who looks so much like Dick fucking Cheney, I keep looking for Secret Servicemen and wire taps)
my Sister, (who is a wanted felon)
her boyfriend (who looks like a grubby version of Grizzly Adams).
her three kids (niece 1 who was kicked out of town by the cops -true story-, 1 nephew that lives with his recently Transgendered Dad..er Mom...?! wth..., niece 2, who lives in her own little world -who can blame her-),
my Step-Sister (Dick Cheney's daughter- who is a born again Holy Roller)
her husband (the out of work carpenter)
their 2 young kids, and our close family friends on Christmas afternoon.

**Christmas night we spend with The Duke's Mom (who makes my goddamn eye twitch)
his Step-Dad (who can smoke any kind of meat you throw at him and says "you know" after every three fucking words)
his Brother (the twice divorced lawyer with a porno problem)
his Other Sister (who is a member of every fucking on-line dating community but has yet to find her soul mate) and
her 2 boys (one is a 25, year old, pot smokin' jobless video game addict who still lives with his Mommy and a 16 year old who was just arrested for streaking across the football field while flipping the bird to everyone that looked at him at the crosstown rival football game).

It goes on for fucking days, and by the end, I'm usually screaming ala Clark Griswold...

"We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."

After a Griswald rant and mild breakdown, I crawl into a fetal position, rocking, twitching and mumbling, until someone pops the goddamn cork on a good bottle of Cristal on New Year's Eve.

This year may be a little different. At every party we always do a little "White Elephant Gag Gift Grab Bag Extravaganza".

Look what I stumbled across and snapped up for the White Elephant Grab Bags...

A Vagina Tissue Box Cover...with a full bush!
I hope my Mother In-law or Holy roller Step-Sister pulls this gift. Their heads just may spin around and implode. I can't fucking wait for Christmas.

Tis The Baking Season

You all know about my famous brownies. You probably don't know, however, that I'm a kick ass cook and baker. Cake decorating isn't my thing, but I can bake one hell of a tasty cake.

Every year about this time, I get out all of my baking supplies, (and the cooking sherry, thank you Julia Child), and start my holiday baking.

Yesterday was Sugar Cookie Day. My sister always comes over on Sugar Cookie Day. We make a day of drinking, baking, and decorating. I always make sugar cookies early, because they taste better if they have a couple weeks to sit in cold storage (ie: the garage).

I have to admit that I love this annual cookie making tradition. We mix, measure, cut out, bake, decorate, drink, laugh and although messy, it is always well worth it.

I think yesterday, we drank too much cooking sherry. By the end of the day, we had cookies.

Thousands of fucking cookies.

We had cookies everywhere.

I’m a fat chick trying desperately to lose a few pounds before going to the Caribbean in January. I’ve lost close to twenty pounds in the past 3 months.

I didn't overeat at Thanksgiving because I was seriously sick with -OMG I'm gonna die-, flu.

So I’m staring at thousands of cookies.

I’m getting cookie cravings.

I’m ready to go on a Safari to hunt and kill the fucking Keebler Elves.

I need a goddamn cookie.

My sister’s a skinny person.

Skinny people don’t get cookie cravings. (bitch)

Skinny people love to give fat people cookies and candy for Christmas, because it fills skinny people with Christmas cheer and fills fat people with chocolate chips.

Skinny people also get cookies and candy from other skinny people as well. They don’t eat the stuff they just leave it out so us fat people can see it and go fucking insane.

“We need to get these stupid fucking cookies out of the house.”

“What’s the big deal? Just use willpower you’ll be fine.”

(I don’t know who this “Will Power” is but this son of a bitch needs to die.)

“Sis, I have no will power. If I had will power I wouldn’t have made the goddamn cookies in the first place.”

“Have “a” cookie and then that’s it. Your craving will be satisfied.”

"Did you just blink twice and wiggle your goddamn nose? Oh… well… then I’ll just have one cookie and then I’ll be okay. That’s all I need just one cookie. Just one little cookie. That’s all I need. That’s kind of like going to the Macy's Half Off Yearly Sale and only BUYING ONE FUCKING SHOE!!!”

“Have a carrot.”

“Oh thank the heavens I can have a carrot. Whooooo Hoooooo thank you Santa. And on the eighth day God created carrots and celery and all the rest of that shit that doesn’t taste like FRESHLY BAKED COOKIES!!!!”

“How about an apple?”

“That sounds great. Can you find an buttercream frosted golden sugar cookie apple in the fridge for me? Cause that would sure satisfy my craving. Well can ya…..bitch?”

“Are you done?”

“Yes.”

“Are you going to get a goddamn apple?”

“Yes, but it fucking sucks.... Hey, do you wanna make fudge together tomorrow?”


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Future Leaders? We Are So Fucked

Whenever I check out at the grocery store, I always grab one of those little slips that add an extra dollar amount to my bill for the local charity. The Duke gives me shit about this all the time.

Duke: "You know you're probably paying for blow and cheap strippers for some fat ass with a bad toupee.," "The amount that actually goes to the needy is 1/2 a goddamn penny."

Me: "I'm buying warm jammies and juicy boxes for homeless babies, so shut your heartless whore mouth AND LET ME HAVE MY DELUSIONS, ASSCLOWN."

Tonight, while the cashier was scanning the donation slip thing, the bagger's face seemed to show a teeny bit of forced interest.

Bagger: "What are those paper slip things?"

Cashier: "It's a donation card."

Bagger: "Oh. I thought it was a coupon."

Ok, I'm mildly interested in where this might go...

Me: "A coupon for what, sweetie?"

Bagger: "That place, you know, The Food Bank."

I smell blog material, so I decided to let this play out.

I make a lot of stupid fucking decisions.

Me: "Do you know what the Food Bank is?"

Bagger: "It's a bank. Where they keep food, ya know? The name says it all, lady."

Me: *blink* *blink* *blink* "How old are you?"

Bagger: "Almost twenty!"

About this time, I noticed another young employee now standing behind the first bagger.

Bagger #2: "Dude! You musta got your friggin' PhP or PC or whatever in 'stupid'! Ha!"

Me: "Just fucking fabulous."

These assholes will, eventually, be running our country.

Me: (turning to the cashier) "Can you hold my cart, please? I forgot the goddamn whiskey, and that just won't do."

Holiday Words of Wisdom From The Dutchess

AND? My famous turkey recipe
8-15 lb. turkey,
1 cup melted butter,
1 cup stuffing mix,
1 cup uncooked popcorn,
Salt and pepper to taste.
Preheat oven to 350.
Brush turkey with melted butter.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn(uncooked).
Place in baking pan with neck end towards the back of oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and flies across the room, it's done.

The Perfect Holiday

There is just something about the 4th of July. It's what I consider the perfect holiday. No gifts, no thank you cards, plenty of alcohol and it's warm outside.

There are neighborhood gang fights get togethers, family brawls cookouts, and sweet juicy watermelon that drips down your chin.

There is sweet corn eaten by the bundles, a small town fair, a parade and, to round it all out, a gorgeous display of fireworks. Here in Dorkville, we have a big family get together every year and I just fucking love it.

Where else would I be able to...

*Get a hotdog, a cream puff, an American flag, smoke bombs and a funny cigarette a Cat in the Hat, hat in red white and blue from the town crack ho same street vendor.

*Lose my goddamn hearing for a day because the sirens from the firetrucks, police cars, and ambulances in the parade are blasting full fucking volume 2 feet from where I am sitting.

*Deal with the dogs barking and howling from all the noise deep into the goddamn night.

*Watch the dry summer field next door go up in flames because the my relatives are shooting off bottle rockets under red fire flag conditions.

*Rush the same dicklick relative to the emergency room because one of the rockets blew off a finger. Interestingly enough, his last words to the Duke were, "DUDE! Watch this!".

*Go on a 3 day bender because my bitchy in-laws have invaded my space and the only way to get through the next 3 days is shit faced drunk it's the American way to celebrate Independence Day.

*Scare the hell out of the children telling them that watermelon seed they just swallowed will grow a watermelon inside their tummy.

*Blare the music outside extra loud to drown out the sound of my Mother in-laws voice before I snap and poison her fucking drink.

*Wear that ridiculous fucking red white and blue t-shirt my Mother in-law got me for Christmas. But, hey, it matches the Cat in the Hat, hat I bought.

*Make fun of my in-laws dogs who have been forced to wear ridiculous holiday outfits that the rest of the goddamn dog world will never let them live down.

*Take bets on who will be the first drunk to trip into the bonfire, get up and yell, "Whoa, did ya see that? BEER ME!".

*Just for fun, I then connect the dots of mosquito bites I got while watching the fucking fireworks down at the lake front.

*Drain and bleach the pool and my goddamn eyes after catching my Father in-law taking a midnight swim.....naked.

*And because the fun never ends here, I'll be picking up sparkler sticks in the yard until the goddamn snow flies

Yeah, good times abound here in Dorkville.