Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Christmas Crazy

I've been thinking y'all. I don't believe it's my depression that has my Christmas Spirit in a funk. It's our fucked up families.

Between The Duke and I, we have a large extended family. His side of the family is full of drama filled polish grudge holders, and my side of the family is chock full of the crazy, with a heavy sprinkle of redneck.

Duke's Mom, and Dad refuse to be within a 10 mile radius of each other. The divorce was 38 goddamn years ago. (I'm not kidding) GET. OVER. IT.

My family are a bunch of drunken rednecks who frequently holler, "Dude...Watch This!", usually followed by some kind of 911 call.

In order to keep the the damage to a minimum and the PoPo out of the annual Christmas pictures, we have a Christmas with each group individually. It goes like this...

**Christmas with The Duke's dead ex-wife's family two weeks before the 25th (don't fucking ask).

**We throw an annual X-mas party for our employees a week before Christmas.

**Christmas Eve at the house of The Duke's Dad (a Kenny Rogers pre-facelift look alike who shows old home movies of all the dead relatives and the duke's dead ex-wife) along with his
Step-Mom (Evil Whack Job)
Youngest Sister (who is perfect, just ask her)
her very young boyfriend. (She says boy toy is an extreme fighting champion. I think he's a fucking Mime. I've only heard him say seven motherfucking sentences in 3 years), and
her 2 teen boys (a drug addicted musician and an in the closet gay teen) and

**An Open House here at the castle with gifts for my family that includes,
my Mom (the original C.R.A.Z.Y)
my Step-Dad (who looks so much like Dick fucking Cheney, I keep looking for Secret Servicemen and wire taps)
my Sister, (who is a wanted felon)
her boyfriend (who looks like a grubby version of Grizzly Adams).
her three kids (niece 1 who was kicked out of town by the cops -true story-, 1 nephew that lives with his recently Transgendered Mom...?! wth..., niece 2, who lives in her own little world -who can blame her-),
my Step-Sister (Dick Cheney's daughter- who is a born again Holy Roller)
her husband (the out of work carpenter)
their 2 young kids, and our close family friends on Christmas afternoon.

**Christmas night we spend with The Duke's Mom (who makes my goddamn eye twitch)
his Step-Dad (who can smoke any kind of meat you throw at him and says "you know" after every three fucking words)
his Brother (the twice divorced lawyer with a porno problem)
his Other Sister (who is a member of every fucking on-line dating community but has yet to find her soul mate) and
her 2 boys (one is a 25, year old, pot smokin' jobless video game addict who still lives with his Mommy and a 16 year old who was just arrested for streaking across the football field while flipping the bird to everyone that looked at him at the crosstown rival football game).

It goes on for fucking days, and by the end, I'm usually screaming ala Clark Griswold...

"We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."

After a Griswald rant and mild breakdown, I crawl into a fetal position, rocking, twitching and mumbling, until someone pops the goddamn cork on a good bottle of Cristal on New Year's Eve.

This year may be a little different. At every party we always do a little "White Elephant Gag Gift Grab Bag Extravaganza".

Look what I stumbled across and snapped up for the White Elephant Grab Bags...

A Vagina Tissue Box Cover...with a full bush!

I hope my Mother In-law or Holy roller Step-Sister pulls this gift. Their heads just may spin around and implode. I can't fucking wait for Christmas.


  1. OMG that is the grossest thing I've ever seen..I LOVE IT..

  2. sick and yet I kept looking at that box. I mean kleenix.

  3. That kleenex box will be perfect for the office gift exchange.