Sunday, December 5, 2010

Real Live Woman

I love being the Dutchess, honestly. Dorkville is where I let my creative mind have an outlet. It's a place to share the wacky stories of my freak magnet filled life, a place where I can be a member of the outrageous Royal Family, and have a blast doing it.

However, underneath the Dutchess, is a real live woman. This real live woman has dents, dimples and flaws. I need an outlet for my real life too. I thought about creating another blog just for that, but then decided that was too much fucking work. This is my place, this is where I belong, and thus, this is where I will continue to write.

Most of the time, I will be the Dutchess you all know, love and have become dependant on for your daily guffaw. However, sometimes, just sometimes, you are going to get the real live woman. Today is one of those times.

I was diagnosed with serious clinical depression (among other things) years ago. For the most part, I have it under control. This time of year is particularly tricky to navigate as the days are shorter, the skies are greyer, and I'm cooped up in the house because of the harsh upper Midwest winters. It's cold and we got our first real snow of the season Friday and Saturday.

Lately, it's been hard to find my funny, to see the vibrant colors of life, and to find simple joy. I don't want to do anything except read, sleep, and stay in my pajamas. I have no energy to do anything.

I sit here tonight staring at a naked Christmas tree, and I honestly have no desire to decorate it. I have no desire to bake, shop, wrap presents, or whip the house into a Christmas wonderland.

But, tomorrow is another day and with each new day comes a new chance.

PS. I will continue to protect my identity be remaining the Dutchess. There are good reasons for that and one day, I may share them with you.

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8 comments:

  1. Girl I am right there with you. I suffer from the same thing and it sucks. I even asked my kids if we could just draw a tree on paper on tape it to the wall because I had no desire to do it this year. I hate having this disease yet my blog friends always help me out of the funk! HUGS

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  2. I haven't put any ornaments on our tree. My hubby strings a ton of lights, and I'm just enjoying those this year. I think its a good thing that a lot of people put christmas lights on their houses, because then it would be so dark, it would even be more depressing.

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  3. I understand, Dutch. I put on a happy face most of the time, but showers make a great hiding spot to let the tears flow. Heart your face, bitch!

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  4. "This too shall pass" that's what I tell myself. The depression thing is hard in the winter. Try not to be too hard on yourself about the tree thing. Do what you can do and don't feel bad about what you can't. I am here if you ever need to vent.

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  5. Hmmm. So like me, you are from the midwest, we had the same snow on the same days. And depression is my middle name. I owe most of my tears to my husband's constant criticism. The holidays and weather do make it worse, even though I love the snow. I have pretty much given up on life. It's been almost a week now that I have felt this way. Kisses.

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  6. Clinical depression is nothing to laugh about, I know my wife suffers from it also. I send you good vibes and hope you have a merry holiday season.

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  7. Hell Dutchess... throw some special brownies together... toss a couple of those pretty bras on the tree for tinsel.. a couple rum balls to hang on it (minus the ones we eat) ..and.. we are good to go...

    or....
    in true Queen form..

    Grab yourself by the bootstraps,,,give a yank.. and pull yourself back up... up. up... where we are higher than a kite on a windy Kansas afternoon....

    either way... it's all good...

    Heart your skanky face..

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  8. Are you on medication for it? Something other than Xanax if that's what you take? I have the same problem and for 16 years I took Zannies to only realize they were just making me worse so I looked up "Benzo's" and it pretty much confirmed it. I now have anxiety and paranoia cause of it (could just be all the trees I'm smoking..lmao) I quit takin them and experienced the worst withdrawal of my life, benzo withdrawal is a bitch but after a week of dying on the couch I actually feel really good now. I'm not sure what you take but if your still feeling down and out I'd have the Dr. switch what your on

    But I look forward to meeting the real person behind the blog, I think Dutchess help show use your personality =)

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