You all know about my famous brownies. You probably don't know, however, that I'm a kick ass cook and baker. Cake decorating isn't my thing, but I can bake one hell of a tasty cake.
Every year about this time, I get out all of my baking supplies, (and the cooking sherry, thank you Julia Child), and start my holiday baking.
Yesterday was Sugar Cookie Day. My sister always comes over on Sugar Cookie Day. We make a day of drinking, baking, and decorating. I always make sugar cookies early, because they taste better if they have a couple weeks to sit in cold storage (ie: the garage).
I have to admit that I love this annual cookie making tradition. We mix, measure, cut out, bake, decorate, drink, laugh and although messy, it is always well worth it.
I think yesterday, we drank too much cooking sherry. By the end of the day, we had cookies.
Thousands of fucking cookies.
We had cookies everywhere.
I’m a fat chick trying desperately to lose a few pounds before going to the Caribbean in January. I’ve lost close to twenty pounds in the past 3 months.
I didn't overeat at Thanksgiving because I was seriously sick with -OMG I'm gonna die-, flu.
So I’m staring at thousands of cookies.
I’m getting cookie cravings.
I’m ready to go on a Safari to hunt and kill the fucking Keebler Elves.
I need a goddamn cookie.
My sister’s a skinny person.
Skinny people don’t get cookie cravings. (bitch)
Skinny people love to give fat people cookies and candy for Christmas, because it fills skinny people with Christmas cheer and fills fat people with chocolate chips.
Skinny people also get cookies and candy from other skinny people as well. They don’t eat the stuff they just leave it out so us fat people can see it and go fucking insane.
“We need to get these stupid fucking cookies out of the house.”
“What’s the big deal? Just use willpower you’ll be fine.”
(I don’t know who this “Will Power” is but this son of a bitch needs to die.)
“Sis, I have no will power. If I had will power I wouldn’t have made the goddamn cookies in the first place.”
“Have “a” cookie and then that’s it. Your craving will be satisfied.”
"Did you just blink twice and wiggle your goddamn nose? Oh… well… then I’ll just have one cookie and then I’ll be okay. That’s all I need just one cookie. Just one little cookie. That’s all I need. That’s kind of like going to the Macy's Half Off Yearly Sale and only BUYING ONE FUCKING SHOE!!!”
“Have a carrot.”
“Oh thank the heavens I can have a carrot. Whooooo Hoooooo thank you Santa. And on the eighth day God created carrots and celery and all the rest of that shit that doesn’t taste like FRESHLY BAKED COOKIES!!!!”
“How about an apple?”
“That sounds great. Can you find an buttercream frosted golden sugar cookie apple in the fridge for me? Cause that would sure satisfy my craving. Well can ya…..bitch?”
“Are you done?”
“Are you going to get a goddamn apple?”
“Yes, but it fucking sucks.... Hey, do you wanna make fudge together tomorrow?”