Monday, July 5, 2010

The Perfect Holiday

There is just something about the 4th of July. It's what I consider the perfect holiday. No gifts, no thank you cards, plenty of alcohol and it's warm outside.

There are neighborhood gang fights get togethers, family brawls cookouts, and sweet juicy watermelon that drips down your chin.

There is sweet corn eaten by the bundles, a small town fair, a parade and, to round it all out, a gorgeous display of fireworks. Here in Dorkville, we have a big family get together every year and I just fucking love it.

Where else would I be able to...

*Get a hotdog, a cream puff, an American flag, smoke bombs and a funny cigarette a Cat in the Hat, hat in red white and blue from the town crack ho same street vendor.

*Lose my goddamn hearing for a day because the sirens from the firetrucks, police cars, and ambulances in the parade are blasting full fucking volume 2 feet from where I am sitting.

*Deal with the dogs barking and howling from all the noise deep into the goddamn night.

*Watch the dry summer field next door go up in flames because the my relatives are shooting off bottle rockets under red fire flag conditions.

*Rush the same dicklick relative to the emergency room because one of the rockets blew off a finger. Interestingly enough, his last words to the Duke were, "DUDE! Watch this!".

*Go on a 3 day bender because my bitchy in-laws have invaded my space and the only way to get through the next 3 days is shit faced drunk it's the American way to celebrate Independence Day.

*Scare the hell out of the children telling them that watermelon seed they just swallowed will grow a watermelon inside their tummy.

*Blare the music outside extra loud to drown out the sound of my Mother in-laws voice before I snap and poison her fucking drink.

*Wear that ridiculous fucking red white and blue t-shirt my Mother in-law got me for Christmas. But, hey, it matches the Cat in the Hat, hat I bought.

*Make fun of my in-laws dogs who have been forced to wear ridiculous holiday outfits that the rest of the goddamn dog world will never let them live down.

*Take bets on who will be the first drunk to trip into the bonfire, get up and yell, "Whoa, did ya see that? BEER ME!".

*Just for fun, I then connect the dots of mosquito bites I got while watching the fucking fireworks down at the lake front.

*Drain and bleach the pool and my goddamn eyes after catching my Father in-law taking a midnight swim.....naked.

*And because the fun never ends here, I'll be picking up sparkler sticks in the yard until the goddamn snow flies

Yeah, good times abound here in Dorkville.


  1. God, wish I could have been there. Sounds like a blast! :)

  2. Family parties are the best at your house..

  3. I'm still laughing at the "Dude, watch this!" There's one of those in every family it seems! This was so much fun...more more! You're going on my blog roll!

  4. Lol sounds like good times indeed I couldn't stop laughing, especially at the blown off finger one becuase I've seen that happen.

  5. That's no shit my dear Dutchess...

    Beer, hot dogs, M80's and my six year old aiming a roman candle at me!!!

    Good fucking times! (The little shit takes after the Queen) That evil bitch corrupted my baby.

  6. Dazee, you are welcome to come to any party here. You must bring alcohol.

    Of course they are, Sister dear. All we need is sunshine and rainbows shooting out of someone's ass, and it would be perfect. Now pass the goddamn bottle.

    Sandra, the fucked up part here is that most of our relatives fit into the dumbass dicklick category and sport at least one missing finger.

    Thank you Sassy. I heart you bitch.

    You've seen that happen Wolf? Ok fucker, which tree were you hiding behind, hmmm?

    Niece Whoreface, she has corrupted her, but be glad it was Queenie that was doing the corrupting. The dicklick part of the family would have had her shooting the goddamn roman candle out of her ass.

  7. God, it sounds like a good time was had by all (except for the nameless, fingerless dumb fuck). I hope your hangover has worn off.

  8. fucking sparklers... so beautiful, so short and you can never find all of the wires for years to come....