Friday, July 2, 2010

Concert Part... Shoes

Hello assclowns. I'm back to tell you the second half of the Dutchess' latest adventure. Grab a drink and sit your asses down.

After the goddamn bathroom escapades and kicking the Duke in the fucking nuts, the Dutchess was in a foul mood. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you are a douche. Go read HERE first.

Ok dicklick, all caught up now? Good.

The Dutchess loves her shoes almost as she loves alcohol. Come between me and a pair of shoes I have my eye on, and I will cut cut your skanky ass. So, when I saw these lovelies last week..



(I know, right?!) I had to have them for the concert. If I was going to be asked to go on the road with the band, these were going to be the shoes that got me in. I decided that these would be my new lucky shoes.

I paired them with black jeans, pink shirt and a cowboy hat with a pink leopard band, and Shhhyea!!! I'm ready to sway to the music and make fuck me eyes with the middle age roadie, or the old fuck running the sound board. (Yes, middle age roadie and an old fuck. I know my limits. Not every one can appreciate a Dutchess with hammy arms, saggy boobs and kick ass shoes, asshats)

And, if pink leopard doesn't scream Hi! I'm Slutty McSlutterson, and am interested in the groupie job I belong with a country music band, I don't know what the hell does.

So I'm rocking my kick ass shoes. I'm also feeling pretty good about my chances of becoming the band's newest road groupie....Until we have to park 2.5 goddamn miles away.

At mile one, I can feel the blisters starting to form. At mile two, I am beginning to realize there is something wrong with my "lucky shoes". My feet were pissed off my friends. As pissed off as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest.

I limp my way though the crowd, to the beer stand, and down to my seat. I sit down, slam 2 beers and decide it's time to be brave and take my shoes off to survey the damage.

Oh fuuuuuck me. As I pull off my shoes, I see two large blisters, the size of mother fucking goose eggs. Even the Duke threw up in his mouth a little.

My fucking lucky shoes had turned on me. The only goddamn way I was going to be able to nab that groupie job was to pop these gi-normous blisters, get the shoes back on, plaster a smile on my face, and get up and sway seductively.

Jesus christ on a fucking cupcake. These monstrosities would not pop, rip, or puncture. With no pocket knife available, the best I could find was a plastic fork. It was no match for the blisters from hell. There were broken plastic prongs everyfuckingwhere.

I had no choice but to wipe my tears, shove the shoes from hell back on my ever swelling feet and act cool. I'm pretty sure my "hey I'm cool and fuckable" face looked alot like the maniacal Joker's face from Batman, because even the Duke looked freaked out.

Needless to say, I didn't get the groupie job, and by the time I got home there were 2 bloody fucking stumps where my goddamn feet use to be.

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And, INTRODUCING....
One Crazy Brunette Chick
Go do it NOW...but read the rules because we don't want to piss off the niece. She's a crazy bitch, ya know.

12 comments:

  1. You are Fucking Awesome~!!

    Stopped by from CB's Fup Friday!!! Happy 4th!

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  2. oh hell no see I would have pussied out a long time ago and would have been walking around that mother fucker barefoot like the southern bitch I am! However they are some pretty sexy shoes so I dont blame you for torturing yourself for them.. lets just hope they are lucky someplace else to make up for the blisters!

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  3. Woah! I would've given up to and walked around barefoot! I do have to say though I would probably blow someone for those shoes! They are fucking hawt!

    Stopping by from CB's FUFF!

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  4. I taught you years ago how to take those condoms you have in your pocket, slid em over your feet,, and shrink your feet to a size that will happily fit back into the skank ass shoes..

    Dumb bitch,, that is why I always send 3.. on for each foot..and one for the head...

    Jesus tits on a biscuit.. do I have to send notes with you?

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  5. HAWT shoes! To hell with being a groupie... I'd have been on the ground humping your foot!

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  6. Sassy, I think you are pretty fucking awesome too whore!

    Brittney, if I take my heels off, I'm the size of a tall midget. Without them, all anyone on stage would have seen was my hammy arm flailing wildly about. Not exactly condusive for fuck me eyes.

    Random, I think I heart you. Anyone who would blow someone for a kick ass pair of shoes is fucking awesome in my book/

    Dear Sister Skankypants,
    Of course I need notes goddamn it! Without notes, I forget about condom footies. And, I may or may not have tied them to my nipples so I could show off my mad nip twirling skillz.

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  7. *show off my mad nip twirling skillz

    I just pissed myself..

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  8. Found you through Slutzillas Fucked Up Friday Follow. Trick is hard with the rules! I would have given up and walked my happy ass barefoot...nasty floor and all and then found whoever made those fucking shoes and stab their eyes out with them!

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  9. Those are hot fucking shoes. Where are they from? I'd risk blisters on my feet for those sexy things! Although, I would have walked barefoot from the parking lot and slid those shoes on when I got to the concert.

    Visiting you from Fucked Up Friday Follow. :D

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  10. Hey bitch thats what you get for rummaging through your gorgeous Brunette niece's shit and taking shoes that are too small for you!!

    Give them back hoe! Without your blistery, bloody grossness all over them!!!

    Damnit! I'll take the hat as a parting gift for you molesting my shoes!

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  11. I tell you the whole damn royal family is too much! You guys crack me up! You are all course, all vulgar, and all funny as hell. I wish I could bottle your guy's funniness, then I could realize my dream as a stand up comedian.

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  12. lol babes mami.. That crossed my mind.

    Artsy Mom, they are Betsy Johnson.

    Look Niece Skanky McSlutterson, shouldn't you be hooking somewhere? Your Momma is out of batteries AND she is well into her holiday gin binge. Since you are fairly new, I'll help you...House rule... all things pink and leopardy belong to the Dutchess. Try and take this hat from my head and I may have to do something rash. i heart you whoreface.

    Mike, we are too much...too much of what is the real question. And, it's in the family creed that we be vulgar, crazy, drrunken bitches. But we are a hell of a good time.

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