Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Best! Present! Evah! and Carol Brady

First, I want to say a great big thank you to Dame Penis and Sir. They invented THIS KICK ASS BEST PRESENT EVER

I know, you're jealous, right?!!! Sir has some bad ass skills. He must be related to MacGyver, or maybe the inventor of the Shamwow.

Hey! I wonder what he could come up with if I gave him a gum wrapper, a creepy garden gnome, a foot of purple yarn, and some nipple tassels.

Anyway..

Tonight was the premiere of Dancing With The Stars. I could give a fuck, because the Saints game was on, but the Duke is head and nuts in lust with Brooke Burke.

Make no mistake, the Duke is all sports all the time, but Brooke will always beat a Saints game in his eyes. He was willing to miss the kick-off so he could sit and stare at the TV with a stupid grin on his face taking in all the Brookalicious tits and ass goodness.

Although, because I'm the one he gets actual blowjobs from, I say football trumps Brooke Burke. Fuck you, I win.

So, as the Duke and I were watching the Saints game, he would quickly flip over to DWTS during commercial breaks.

This drives me fucking crazy. He gets in his Brooke-zone and forgets to flip back.

I missed the first fucking touchdown, I have been in a bitchy mood all day, and this is just fucking annoying the piss out of me.

I looked at the Duke, rolled my eyes and said, "Go back to the fucking game assclown!"

Duke says, "It's a commercial, and the Man Code CLEARLY states that I'm allowed to do this, so I'm flipping, (you off) ahem, during commercials. Deal with it Dutch."

"The hell? Did you just say you were flipping me off?"

"No babe, nope, uh-uh, not me."

"Listen asshole..... Oh jesus christ, look at that... I HATE that douche bag, Jersey Shore, Situation guy. I could care fucking less about his abs or stinking laundry... The only "Shore" I'm interested in is The Gucci Shore

....wait....

Is that Florence Henderson?

Did she just lift up her goddamn shirt and flash us her ancient tits in some cheap, tired looking white bra? What the hell would Mike Brady think? What in the fuck is she... "

Next, I hear a strange gurgling sound coming from the direction of the Duke. I look over and his eyed are bugged out, his mouth was in a perfect O, and was opening and closing repeatedly. Kind of like a fucking guppy. I thought he swallowed the lime in the Corona and was now choking. Just fucking great.

I sprang to my feet, (yes sprang, I have mad Ninja skillz bitches), and just as I was about to give him the Heimlich Maneuver, the Duke looks at me with glazed over eyes and starts to stutter.

....That. Is. Not. My Brooke.

Old...uh... saggy skin white woman in a bra.

Why? WHY? WHHHHYYYYYYYY?!!!!

Oh my god...ABC...Assholes...

Never. Do. That. Shit. Again.

Now I'm scarred for fucking life and my goddamn eyes need retina transplants!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Serves him right. Never flip off the Dutchess because it will bring about some bad juju on your ass.

I need to take my ass minimizer for a spin around the block. See you hookers next time.

7 comments:

  1. I agree with Dazee, definitely priceless.

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  2. You look so stylin' riding around on our MacGyver ride! Smokin!!
    That will teach the Duke to not listen to you AND flip you off! Now pass him the bleach to wash his eyes out with and be sure to slap him on the head!
    Love you Auntie!

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  3. Your posts are never lame I fucking love that.

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  4. Thanks Dazee

    McKenzie, thank you

    Amy, love you too hooker!

    Brat, Thanks. I think you are pretty fucking awesome too

    Babes, I know, right?!

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  5. It's so funny that you should mention DWTS...I didn't see Florence Henderson, because after the first 15 minutes I had seen enough!

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