Saturday, July 24, 2010

I'm Not Really Here

That's right bitches, I'm on vacation. As you read this I have my ass wedged into a deck chair, am sitting poolside, with a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other.

Shut-UP fuckers! The difference in everyday and today is that my ass is wedged into a chair in Las Vegas, assholes!

However, I knew my loyal followers, All! Nine! Of! You! Asshats! couldn't live without the Dutchess' wit, snark, use of the word motherfucker and drunken ramblings for 6 days.

So I, being full of the fucking AWESOME, decided to leave you a little somethin-somethin and schedule a few posts to run while I'm gone. Enjoy, and I'll see you soon. Sooner if I decided to take my laptop with me, cuz I rock like that.
If I have to travel somewhere, I like to fly.
**It gets me there faster (more time at the destination = more drinking time, duh)
**I can drink alcohol and watch a movie while getting to my destination.
**I'm not stuck in a fucking car with people asking who flarted and yelling "She/He's touching me!"

That said, the airlines could make it more entertaining. Especially the in-flight safety speech and other announcements. Some of these you've heard before but if I were the fucking flight attendant you would hear things like...

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover bitch, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane so pay attention shidiots..."

"Welcome aboard Screw You Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other damn seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised assbag."

"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, you may be killed by falling luggage after a goddamn landing like that."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop fucking screaming, grab the damn mask, and pull it over your motherfucking face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
crotch parasite, pick your favorite.""

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your damn shit. If you leave something, make sure it is something we'd like to have. Any children or spouses left behind will be sold on the Black Market."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the goddamn industry... Unfortunately, for you douche bags, none of them are on this flight...!"

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangafuckingroo bounces us to the terminal."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the goddamn gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the fucking terminal."

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the fucking skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at Assbag Airways."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

"If your carry-on baggage won't fit in the overhead compartments, please ram, cram or jam in under the goddamn seat in front of you."

"Sorry, assclowns, but our landing has been delayed by a mechanical failure. The automatic machine that beats up and loses your luggage is not functioning properly and we'll have to wait for repairs."

"Please remain in your damn seat with your seat belts fastened until the aircraft comes to a complete stop and the Captain turns off the seat belt sign. To my knowledge, no passenger has ever beaten the aircraft to the motherfucking gate anyway, so you may as well sit your ass down."

Ok, some of these I may have hijacked from others. Eat me fuckers, I'm on vacation.


  1. That kinda sums up my one and only experience of flying ... one and only..

  2. I want you to be the flight attentdant on my next flight. What? you are really one, become one bitch!!!

  3. I'm not flying anymore unless some hot chicks wanna be port of the mile high club!

  4. LOVE it!!! I never fly but if you were my flight attendant I would make sure to get my mask and pick you as my favorite before the family! LMAO

  5. So,'re in Vegas. Well, my son just moved there so if you see him, say hi! I knew the airlines had changed but wow, I didn't know how much. Almost makes me want to fly.