Monday, July 26, 2010

Still Not Here

Well fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck fuck. I lost my scheduled posts, but you fuckers are lucky because I brought my laptop with me to Vegas.

I know, I fucking know. I should be movin', groovin', gambling and shopping instead of banging out a post on this fucking computer. However, I am sad to report that I have become a shut in.

Now, I live in the frozen fucking tundra that is Wisconsin. We have 2 seasons, freeze you mother fucking ass off, and mosquito season. I LOVE summer and I NEVER complain about heat.

But y'all? My cherry has been popped and I'm saying it.

It's too motherfucking hot here.

Today it was 111 degrees...Fahrenheit. It is 2AM and it's still 98 motherfucking degrees outside. Dry heat my royal fat ass. I swear I thought I was going to spontaneously burst into fucking flames when I walked outside of the hotel today.

It's a sad sad day when the Dutchess can't lounge in the pool with a drink in her hand because the pool is hot enough to boil a goddamn lobster.

However, I did sit in a bar that overlooks the pool area today. I spent hours pointing and laughing at the dumb fuckers that thought they could walk barefoot across the concrete. Let me just say that Lord of the Dance, Michael fucking Flatley ain't got shit on those dicklicks.

Some asshat at the bar said he was contemplating killing himself because he was sure it was cooler in hell than it is here.

I am thinking of ordering a rare steak and taking it to the sidewalk out front to video tape it frying on the sidewalk for you fuckers. You will probably hear a goddamn "THUD". That will be me passing the fuck out from the heat. Then you will probably hear sizzling, followed by people running out of their motherfucking houses with bread and mayo because they smell bacon frying.

Seriously, I hope the fucking paramedics carry a giant spatula so they can remove me from the goddamn sidewalk. I also hope they get there before I'm fucking crispy.



PS. The Royal Family got an award from Amy J . (btw, Thank You) The award has rules that go with it, and quite frankly? My brain is too fucking fried from the heat to participate right now. I will get to it as soon as I cool down. which may be in fucking January.

Is it wrong to plaster my naked body to the communal ice machine?

7 comments:

  1. You really should go to Vegas in January. You will be basking in the nice weather of oh, 70's or higher, and the people that live there will have their winter coats on!!! And they will look like you are a crazy whore for being in shorts and a tank top.

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  2. Tell me about it! I live in Cali--in a desert--where 111 degrees is a cool day! LMAO
    My brother lives in Vegas and he hates it!

    It is so fucking hot here though that my husbands balls are cooked to hard boiled.

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  3. I'm glad I live by the ocean when I read this becuase the breeze off the water keeps things cool.

    As for plastering your naked body against the communal ice machine I don't think that's wrong. Just remember to give it a reach around and call it stud from time to time so it dosen't feel like it's just being used for it's cold....... there sensitive that way.

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  4. Oh yes look at Wolf with his fucking ocean... while I'm barely able to breathe in KS with this heavy fucking humid bullshit!!!!

    You try having a cigarette when the air is so motherfucking thick you could cut that bitch with a knife!!!

    We're going to CA on Saturday! I told Mr. CB I'd leave my fucking right arm here before my laptop!

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  5. @ CB your just jealous because you want to do me :)

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  6. I don't think it's wrong, and furthermore, I'm sure a few of the guests would enjoy it! You're so funny, I laughed my way through your post as always. Sorry you may spontaneously combust at any second. Don't worry, in another four weeks, it'll be winter in Wisconsin...I can say that 'cause it'll be winter sooner where I'm at in Winnipeg, Manitoba. I figure I have another 10, maybe 15 days of intense heat, then I'm pulling out the mitts!

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  7. I love your sense of humor and your way with words. Stay cool baby! Have a drink with an umbrella in it, and stay in the a.c.

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