Monday, August 2, 2010

Votes, Vacations, and Vegas

Well, hello my lovely asshats.

I was going to take off one more day to give my alcohol soaked and sun fried brain a chance to regroup and formulate a post.

However, it seems as if the entire Royal goddamn Family has flown the drunken castle.

One of us went to Vegas.
One of us is
MIA in California and may or may not be licking things off of Gucci Momma ,
One of us
is in the middle of blowing fighting the Zoning Commission so we can complete the move to the new Stinky House Bunny Ranch.

That left my poor little niece, Princess Skankypants, to handle the entire whorehouse, alone. Normally, she would have rocked that shit. But, halfway through the third Peep Show,
she got all verklempt in thinking about her Dad and started singing a beautiful, albeit sad, song.

Next thing you know, people are crying in their fucking beers and blowing their goddamn noses in the cocktail napkins.

Queenie got wind of the whole debacle and, without thinking,
put up a quick, post about the beach , (shudders at the memory). That fucking thing resulted in some of us poking our already bleeding eyes out with a goddamn cocktail fork and even caused a little throwing up in our mouths.

That? Does not make people want to party and spend their mad money at the Royal Whorehouse.

And that? Means revenue is down.

And that? Means our supply of condoms, xanax, funny cigarettes and Queenie's required gin provisions, are getting disturbingly low.

And that shit? Just will not do motherfuckers.

So I, being full of the awesome, am here to save the goddamn day again. Pull up a bar stool, drinks and doobage are on me. I am going to impart a little wisdom on to you assclowns while the rest of the Royal Family gets the new location for the family business up and running.

Without giving too much detail, (by order of my attorney), here are some things I learned you should NOT do while in Vegas.

1. Don't assume that just because you are in a fancy schmancy two story suite with a full bar and spiral staircase, that the floor to ceiling windows must be tinted. Apparently, some people have no sense of humor when it comes to a fat ass, drunken Dutchess singing loudly and window dancing to "Boogie Wonderland" (shut-UP!) while naked.

2. When the Po-Po show up, to discuss said naked window dancing, it's probably not a good idea to say..
***You must be the Village People strippers I sent for! Where is the Indian Chief and Construction worker!?

***Yo! That uniform makes your ass look really big!
***Oh! You're real cops? Which is Barney and which one is Andy?
***Aren't there real criminals you should be fucking catching?
***If you had some of the stuff I just had, maybe you wouldn't be so fucking uptight!
***It's tobacco.....honest!
***Hey! I bet I can grab that gun faster that you can write that citation asshat!
***A hundred dollar fine?!! Well, maybe a couple Abe Lincoln's can change your mind!
*** don't happen to have any beer in this car do you?

***Can you say "Book 'em Danno?" just like Steve McGarrett? That's sooo HOT!

3. Don't try to smuggle tiny bottles of vodka into the Indoor Skydiving Chamber. That fucking shit hurts when it explodes out of your flight suit, causing vodka and bottle pieces to be strewn about at 300 mph. (Yes indoor skydiving. The Dutchess is only jumping from a real airplane if that bitch is on fire and going down).

One more thing, a skanktacular friend of the Royal Family is in a contest. I think her entry (number 2) is bitchin, and I'm sure you will too. So, by order/bribery of the Royal Family, go
HERE , and vote for number 2.

Move along dicklicks! Nothing more here to see today. Just make sure you GO VOTE!


  1. Can I please go on your next vacation with you?

  2. thanks for picking up the slack sister... I'm gonna veg for two days.. luvs.. sounds like fun..

  3. It's also a good idea when in Vegas to have a sharp saw, some rope,a shovel, and LOTS of garbage bags in case you have to get of the evidence in a hurry.....and by evidence I mean dead prostitutes.

    Not that I would have ever to deal with such a situation of course :)

  4. Just to on vacation one time with you would be heaven. I need the fun! Thanks for the shout out for my cover! You fucking rock!