Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Running With The Dutchess/Ride #1

If your here to read some fucking exercise blog because of the above title, turn around, and run for the motherfucking door. You've come to the wrong place.

This, you lucky fucks, will be your free chance to hop aboard the crazy train that is the Dutchess' brain.

I have decided to just sit down, close my eyes, write the first thought that pops into my head, because I got fucking nothing, and after my "I'll save the day" bullshit in my last post, I have to post some fucking thing. like this phrase..

“Results Not Typical.”

Whenever I see an ad that ends with that phrase I always think WTF?.

Thing is, I see this goddamn phrase on ads for everything.

“Jane used to weigh 343 pounds and lived her life wedged into a chair in her 400 square foot studio apartment. Jane used our Megoassblowcomplex-B while eating nothing but meat, cheese and Swedish Fish. She’s now a supermodel on the cover of Vogue.”
“Results not typical.”

Tameesha was $500k in debt and had just lost her crack house and her job at Screwu Customer Service Center. That was before she bought our no money down real estate investment program. “I was able to buy six houses, a 7-11 worth over $4 million dollars and all I used for a down payment was mah bike.”
“Results not typical.”

Know what?


I bet they are something like...

“I bought the Ripmyassoff “No Down Payment Real Estate System” because I live in a trailer in my Momma's back yard and I’m too stupid to go on living. I have no job, no education and spent my last unemployment check on crack and cheap hos. I’m now out four easy payments of $59.95 plus $69.95 shipping and handling because I don’t know how to motherfucking read.”
“Results Typical”

“I’ve been taking Megoassblowcomplex-B for eight weeks. I fucking smell funny, my asshole hurts like the new kid in cell block D, I think my heart may have exploded, I now have a third fucking testicle…and I’m a goddamn woman!”
“Results Typical.”

Some of these dumb fucking ads throw in the following line,
“Individual results may vary.”

What the fucking hell does that even mean?

If we buy them as a group, are our results the same?

On second thought, Why the hell can’t we use this disclaimer for everything?

“Yes dear, I vacuumed the house, washed the dishes, cooked dinner, did the laundry and paid the bills. Now I’m ready to sit down, ask you about your day, hand you the remote, and rub your feet. I won't bitch, nag, complain, ask for new shoes or make you watch Big Brother with me”
“Results not typical. Individual wife results may vary.”

"Instead of worrying about immigrants learning English, America should be teaching its children Spanish."
“Results not typical. Individual president results may vary.” (Dumb fuck should read the Immigration laws of Mexico)

“Our 14 year old son Timmy used the Billy Bob Reading Dynamics Course for six weeks and now he’s up to a second grade reading level.”
“Results not typical. Individual moronic asshole results may vary.”

I have even seen this disclaimer following an ad on TV for a penis enlargement pill called “Bigdicks.”

What kind of an motherfucking idiot would buy this pill? Especially with a disclaimer that read, “Results not typical.”

If you take a pill that causes your pecker to grow it’s probably because there’s a goddamn tumor on the end of it!!! Seriously??? Are people really this fucking stupid?

Are there 400-pound men who are rapidly slimming down with huge expanding penises buying real estate for no money down walking around this fucking earth?

WELL? These are the things that I think we all need to know.

The sad part is if they weren’t selling this shit to douche bags across America, they wouldn’t be advertising it.

Thank you for riding the Dutchess Crazy Train. We hope to see y'all real soon.


  1. That's exactly it, it's being advertised becuase some ass clown is buying into this bullshit. I'm probably sure there are a few 400 pound real estate buying assholes with expanding dicks but I sure as hell doubt that's the norm. Most of this stuff is garbage at best. It's like those advertisments that you can work from fom by doing online stuff and earn big $$$$$. Yeah mabye one out of every few thousand does.........fuckers.

  2. Funny shit, but what does that say about the average American IQ?

  3. Results not typical - totally fucking pisses me off!

  4. Do not go to my blog. Reading my blog may cause you to spit tea on your screen. You will piss gallons of pee through your depends. You may choke to death reading my quirky thoughts..

    “Results Not Typical.”

    Read The Dutchess.. the same will happen..

    “Results Typical.”

  5. BUT WAIT! If you call now we will double our offer....of jackassery!!

  6. Wolf...assholes with expanding dicks cracks me the fuck up every time.

    Mike, I know, right?

    Me too Mommyloves, me too

    Just doin' my part Queenie, lol

    Donda, that is one of my favorite words...Jackassery