This, you lucky fucks, will be your free chance to hop aboard the crazy train that is the Dutchess' brain.
I have decided to just sit down, close my eyes, write the first thought that pops into my head,
“Results Not Typical.”
Whenever I see an ad that ends with that phrase I always think WTF?.
Thing is, I see this goddamn phrase on ads for everything.
“Jane used to weigh 343 pounds and lived her life wedged into a chair in her 400 square foot studio apartment. Jane used our Megoassblowcomplex-B while eating nothing but meat, cheese and Swedish Fish. She’s now a supermodel on the cover of Vogue.”
“Results not typical.”
Tameesha was $500k in debt and had just lost her crack house and her job at Screwu Customer Service Center. That was before she bought our no money down real estate investment program. “I was able to buy six houses, a 7-11 worth over $4 million dollars and all I used for a down payment was mah bike.”
“Results not typical.”
I WANT TO KNOW THE TYPICAL RESULTS DICKLICKS!!!!
I bet they are something like...
“I bought the Ripmyassoff “No Down Payment Real Estate System” because I live in a trailer in my Momma's back yard and I’m too stupid to go on living. I have no job, no education and spent my last unemployment check on crack and cheap hos. I’m now out four easy payments of $59.95 plus $69.95 shipping and handling because I don’t know how to motherfucking read.”
“I’ve been taking Megoassblowcomplex-B for eight weeks. I fucking smell funny, my asshole hurts like the new kid in cell block D, I think my heart may have exploded, I now have a third fucking testicle…and I’m a goddamn woman!”
Some of these dumb fucking ads throw in the following line,
“Individual results may vary.”
What the fucking hell does that even mean?
If we buy them as a group, are our results the same?
On second thought, Why the hell can’t we use this disclaimer for everything?
“Yes dear, I vacuumed the house, washed the dishes, cooked dinner, did the laundry and paid the bills. Now I’m ready to sit down, ask you about your day, hand you the remote, and rub your feet. I won't bitch, nag, complain, ask for new shoes or make you watch Big Brother with me”
“Results not typical. Individual wife results may vary.”
"Instead of worrying about immigrants learning English, America should be teaching its children Spanish."
“Results not typical. Individual president results may vary.” (Dumb fuck should read the Immigration laws of Mexico)
“Our 14 year old son Timmy used the Billy Bob Reading Dynamics Course for six weeks and now he’s up to a second grade reading level.”
“Results not typical. Individual moronic asshole results may vary.”
I have even seen this disclaimer following an ad on TV for a penis enlargement pill called “Bigdicks.”
What kind of an motherfucking idiot would buy this pill? Especially with a disclaimer that read, “Results not typical.”
If you take a pill that causes your pecker to grow it’s probably because there’s a goddamn tumor on the end of it!!! Seriously??? Are people really this fucking stupid?
Are there 400-pound men who are rapidly slimming down with huge expanding penises buying real estate for no money down walking around this fucking earth?
WELL? These are the things that I think we all need to know.
The sad part is if they weren’t selling this shit to douche bags across America, they wouldn’t be advertising it.
Thank you for riding the Dutchess Crazy Train. We hope to see y'all real soon.