Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Ice Cream and Mental Health

I hate the goddamn grocery store. While I was there today, I noticed something.
Skinny people fucking window shop when they’re grocery shopping!

I shit you not.

I was in the goddamn ice cream aisle trying to get my fix, and there they were, shivering, drooling, and staring into the glass.

They came in from the SKN & BONE Fitness Center next door dressed all in their tiny fucking ass shorts and matching tank tops. Then they stood there mumbling shit about carbs or calories or some other bullshit.

They had this pathetic fucking look on their faces like they just saw the cutest puppy ever.

But, also just found out they can’t take it home.

Ya know, it would be sad if it wasn’t so goddamn annoying.

See, they’re blocking my fucking lane. I am there to find my lovers, Chunky Monkey, Cherry Garcia, and Chubby Hubby. I’m there to grab and get the fuck out.

I’ve got the meltage factor, and my pissy parole officer to worry about. I’m on a fucking mission asshats. Lives damn well depend on me!

Just get out of my goddamn way and move over to the produce section. The rest of your sprout munching liberal pussy friends are gathering for a quick support meeting.

Why do Skinny people usually have paper products and cleaning supplies in their carts. Well, that and precut, washed and packaged, salad and fruit.

Why is it that they spend 16 hours a day in the goddamn gym working out until they can crack a walnut with their motherfucking ass cheeks, but they can’t cut their own friggin watermelon? What. The. Hell?

I hate when there are a lot of skinny bitches in the grocery store at once. I felt like I was being stalked.

My cart was piled high with beer, suzyQ's, and pork rinds. you know, real food. As I walk past, I feel eyes on my every move, and yep, these little waif-ish whores are following me around just waiting to fucking strike at my calorie laden shopping cart of love.

I want to scream, "Back off you skinny salad bitches and keep your goddamn bony hands off my piping hot French bread before I have to go all Mamma Cass fighting for a chicken leg on your asses!"

Depriving oneself of the basic pleasures of life will take a toll on ones mental well being. I'm pretty sure one of them skinny bitches will snap soon.

I'll round the ice cream isle one day, and some waif-ish whore will be. sitting down cross-legged (skinny bitches can do that) in the ice cream aisle, with sixteen pints of Ben and motherfucking Jerry popping the lids off, ninja style, while scooping the ice-cream out with her bare bony hands smearing it all over her body while speaking in tongues about the goddamn diet of the month.

Do yourself (and the rest of us) a favor, skinny bitches of the world.

Eat the motherfucking ice cream!


  1. OMG! I love this the best:
    crack a walnut with their motherfucking ass cheeks

    I had to clean my screen because I spit my calorie loaded soda all over it when I read that!
    I remember when I could cross my legs..I think I was maybe 4 or 5 years old...LMAO

    Damn, I need some cookies and cream ice cream now!

  2. omg, you are so right. I hate seeing them bitches too. And you just know they are talking behind your back. "she's a tub-o-lard". (no they aren't saying that about you, its about me).

  3. I'm glad I ate breakfast before I read this otherwise I would have spit it all over the screen. I hear you on the skinny bitches drooling over shit, I see that here everytime I go grocery shopping becuase all those fuckers are worried about apperances, yet are begging for an ice cream sundae to be rammed down their gullets.

    Don't get me wrong I like to work out and run and all that shit but I like real fucking food too. I am guilty of buying pre-made salads and stuff like that, but hey I'm a guy and single and my cooking sucks goat testicles. Besides I have more important things to do like watching porn and playing video games

  4. Amy, sorry about the spit on your screen. ;)

    Dazee, they just call ne the fat chick with a bad attitude. lol

    Wolf, Porn and video games always trump cutting veggies. You get a free pre-cut pass.

  5. Well... if it would make you feel any better I'd take my skinny ass shopping in your grocery store. Then you'd have a whole new bitch to blog about... because I'm the skinny bitch in the isle with a cart loaded full of double stuffed Oreos, Triple Fudge icecream, hohos, twinkies, frozen pizza, and 3 cases of soda! That's right... I'm a HOG in tightpants... HATE ME!!

    Now the next time you see those waifes you'll appreciate the fact that their starving themselves to look that way. Because how pissed off would you be if they could all eat like hippos and still look like twigs.

    And if it's any consolation... I cannot crack a walnut with my ass... I'm allergic to breaking a sweat unless its in the bedroom ;D