Friday, January 20, 2012

A Bathtub, Some Wine, and a Few Notes

Hello my pretties.  The Royal Family has been called into action because of some cunt blister parading around as someone's mother.  It has made everyone in the kingdom twisty and stabby. (for good reason)

My Bitch Switch was already turned on because:
A. I have another MRSA infection, and feel like the botton of Queenie's shoe. And not the pretty, sparkly, red ones, but the ugly ass birkenstocks.
B. I have bronchitus
C. Stupid people in general piss me off.
D. There is a goddamn snow storm raging outside my window and the Royal bootlickers have decided they are too good to get thier little chihuahua paws snowy, and will just piss and shit on my back porch instead.   

So, I did what I do best.  I grabbed a large box of wine, filled the tub, and jumped in.  You lucky bastards!  Without further adieu, I bring you:
Proof that a box of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the fucking world."

Dear Duke,
We have been together a long time.  Sometimes, I know what you are going to bitch about before you open your damn mouth.  All I have to say is, " I will take 'Same Shit / Different Day' category for $200.00, Alex."
Love, Dutch

Dear D#1,
I know you are beautiful and smart,  However, you need to remember that I have (almost) 45 -ohmyfuckinghellhowdidTHAThappen- years of life experience, and I just might know a few things that you don't.  So, have a glass of sit the fuck down with a chaser of shut the hell up.
All My Love, Mommy-Dutch

Dear 17 year old Spawn of Satan,
I know that you are SO OVER your parental unit.  Just remember, I drink coffee so I don't bite your head off every morning and I stay medicated so i wont kill you...don't say i never did nothing for you.
Love, Parental Unit Dutch

Dear D#2,
No! You can not borrow my broom to sweep up your Bullshit, I'm busy riding it tonight!!!
PS.  You'd better learn to hula hoop, your halo is slipping.
Love, The Original Bitch Witch-Dutch

Dear Second Cousin,
Thanks for the wedding invitation.  However, maybe you should consider this...A man may think why should he buy milk when he can get the cow for free.  I say why buy the pig, just for a little piece of sausage..  Food for thought.
Just sayin, Cousin Dutch

Dear Next Door neighbor that took my paper out of my driveway this morning, and then lied about it,
Karma is on her way, and man is she fucking drunk.
Fondly, Neighbor Dutch

Dear royal Boot-licking Chihuahua's,
Newsflash:  The Poopcicles you insist on scarfing down are made of frozen poo.  STOP IT!
Gaging, Dutchess

That concludes the note section of this post.  Onto my weekly pet peeve.

Mom.  When people see that word, for the most part, they think of unconditional love, support, one that knows you like none other, and one that always has your back.

Well, that is what you SHOULD think when someone says the word Mom.  Unfortunately, for some of us, the word Mom is equal to evil, hateful, bitter and worthless. 

If you are in the latter category, I'd like to use your for a speed bump.
Women's bodies were made for child bearing, but just because you pushed a baby out of your crusty vagina, it doesn't make you a Mom. 

8 comments:

  1. omg, that must have been a great box of wine.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Rockmelt is letting me comment THE QUEEN

    ReplyDelete
  3. sorry about the MRSA. We have it here too. I LOVE the message to the spawn of satan, I can so relate!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love Dear Duke.. I can sooooo relate.. lol

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sister Wife, it was a GREAT box of wine. ;)

    Queenie, who is rockmelt? IE is still having issues, but it seems to be working fine on mozilla. YAY ME!

    Dive, Sorry to hear you have the MRSA. That shit sucks ass.

    Love you dear Sister.

    ReplyDelete
  6. BTW DIVA, I need your drinks web addy. e-mail me, as I know you don't want it linked.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I shut anonymous comments off because Deena Baer is running around leaving anonymous comments on every one's blog.. Good thing Vet, found a new Momma in the Queen..

    ReplyDelete

Followers