Secrets and Ass Burn

Hi kiddies, it's your perpetually hammered Dutchess here.

I have figured out that these big floating cities have a dark side.  A side they don't mention in those glossy brochures and pretty little ads.  But, because I have your best interest at heart, Internet, and wouldn't want you to jump on the next cruise without all the information, I will tell you all about it.   

You see, what these assholes didn't mention, was that you have to walk eleventy fucking miles every time you want to do anything around this damn boat.  It's fucking exhausting! 

And?  I love my stilettos and can do amazing things in them.  However, between walking 50,000 step a day and trying to keep from tumbling off of them while the boat rocks with the motion of the ocean, my feet are starting to resemble bloody stumps.

So today,  The Queen and I decided we needed to find something to do that didn't require much walking, but was still entertaining.  We settled on going to the top sundeck for drinks and a dip in the pool. 

After an undisclosed number of special brownies and Salty Dogs, my drunk ass sibling loving Sister looks at me and says, "Hey Dutch, I double dog dare your ass to go down the high slide!"

Well, fuck me.  If there is one thing I can't turn down it's special brownie's, a cold Corona, and a double dog dare.

Looking at this monster, I knew I needed a couple extra eight shots of liquid courage.

I hiked my ass up to the damn top, (see? more goddamn waking!) grabbed a rubber floaty thing, and got in line.  While waiting my turn, I saw this sign, showing how to use the slide.

Well, lookie there, a position I am familiar with.  I'm so going to rock this slide!  And with that, I took a running jump onto my floaty thing...which, perhaps, may not have been the best move.  As soon as my ass hit that goddamn floaty thing, it shot out from under me with such speed and force, that took down the lifeguard and her assistant.

I was going to say sorry, but it was too late for me.  I was hurling down this monster slide with nothing protecting my royal ass....literally!  This motherfucking slide was so fast, I thought for sure it would spit me out on the other side of the goddamn ship!

It was just about then, that I started to feel a slight tingle in my ass...and not the good kind.  Holy mother of the tequila worm, I think I smell burning flesh!  Then it hit me...

THIS GODDAMN SLIDE WAS GIVING ME A MAJOR ASS BURN IN VERY SENSITIVE PLACES....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the time I finally made it to the bottom, I had barely escaped with my bathing suit
life

Motherfucker!  Today was the wrong day to wear a thong.

Maybe it's time to stick to shuffleboard.