Sunday, September 5, 2010

No Xanax, Whores On Strike and Drunken Bathtubs

Attention all Kingdom Whores. I'm out of Xanax, and make no mistake, it's not pretty, funny, or cute. So, before I accidentally kill someone, listen the fuck up!

I don't give a goddamn rat's ass what you skanks wear,

I don't give a shit about any goddamn blogcation.

I don't give a fuck about some hair loss (just kidding, I'm not that much of a bitch, but without Xanax, my priorities are a bit skewed)

I don't give a dick about any missing song lyrics , law suits, a strike or any other whiny ass titty baby excuses you may have for skipping out on your job.


Now, it's time for

My tits are fucking ridiculous and should quite possibly be registered as a deadly weapon. I broke a fucking bra!

I was standing in the bathroom wearing my strapless bra and panties while getting ready to go to a wedding when all of a sudden, I heard a loud "POP!"

I watched in horror as the snap on the front of my ginormous bra ricocheted like a bullet shot out of a high powered fucking riffle off the mirror and then embedded itself into the wall behind me.

If not for my mad Ninja Ducking Skillz, I would have lost my goddamn eye. I heard a huge sigh of relief and then my boobs broke free and ate the fucking dogs.

If I were a cheap stripper I would so change my name to Melanie Mammaries.

Speaking of strippers. Duke and I got married in Vegas. After attending the wedding last night, I have one question. When did weddings stop being about the bride and groom, about celebrating love and an open goddamn bar?

It has become a cluster fuck of details.

Pick your flowers, pick your colors, the date, the food, first dance song, party favors, mementos, and on and on. Just the thought of all that bullshit would have me contemplating death by fucking Drain-o.

Let me plan a wedding. I think the perfect first dance song would be "Another One Bites the Dust".

Party favors, and wedding mementos? Fuck a goddamn box of cutesy Hershey kisses with names and date on the bottom.

I think Xanax in a pretty box for a party favor would be the shit. How about a sweaty guy named Lou set up in the back ready to tattoo our names and wedding date on the body part of your choice? Now THAT is a fucking memento asshats.

After last night I have come to the conclusion that some people are like a fucking slinky....not good for a damn thing, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

It's almost time for the NASCAR race in Atlanta, so I will leave you with the advice I gave the Bride when we left...

Husbands have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a fucking sandwich.

Dumb Bride, bitch thought I was kidding.


  1. That was great! And, Xanex is a must!

  2. I agree Xanex is a must, that or some Best marriage advice ever!

  3. Ate the fucking dog made me pee.. I warned the ladies about Auntie Dutchess and No Xanax. I'm older.. I've seen it.. it ain't pretty.. in fact.. I was so scared I worked the streets myself and if you check in the yard by the pool you will see I left you a pretty little package..and then ran.. I would have rang the door bell and ran.. but I remember the last time this happened.. I tried to be nice .. I rang the door bell.. with box in hand.. and you knocked me into next week.. and used you Ninja skills to grab the box mid air..

    let's go racing...

  4. Weddings.....what a cluster fuck I'll never do it again. Excellent advice for the bride....speaking of which I need a sandwich

  5. Oh that bride will learn soon enough.
    and you can quit your damn bitching. While the Queen was sneaking you a gift in the back yard, I was leaving one on your front porch as well. So we have you covered. Go take A Xanax, get a sports bra that stretches, and have a nice glass of wine! (((HUGS)))

  6. Amy Oh you are such a good niece.. I'm removing your six month probation.. You are Royalty. no waiting period.. You still can't go out without your body guard though.. k..

  7. Shit, your Duke ever scores some Viagra, he may never eat again and starve to death.

  8. Glad you weren't by flying snaps. Dutchess you are always good for a hearty belly laugh.

  9. Thanks Bi-Diva

    Dazee, thank you

    cris, were reading my mind...what's left of it anyway.

    Queen, I don't remember times without Xanax. I black out from withdrawls. I looked for the package just as the goddamn rabbid squirel took it and ran for the big tree. Dumb fuck. Now I have to clean up a dead squirel. Thanks for the care package. I heart your face.

    Wolf. I hope someone made you a sandwich.

    Amy, the fucking mailman tried to take it. Poor fuck. I hope his broken fingers heal fast, Thanks for the package, whore.

    bluzdude...bwahahahahahahahahaha Oh hell, that cracked me the fuck up.

    My pleasure Julia.

    McKenzie, you're welcome.

    Mike, Right?! My Mad Ninja Skillz saved my ass again.