Friday, September 10, 2010

Shoulder Monkeys and A Nightcap

It's time for...
One Crazy Brunette Chick
Read the rules, and if you are a fuckstick, don't link up.

My daughter dropped off The Master of Destruction at 5:00 last night. She had a class that went until 10PM, and then had to be at work at 6:00 this morning, so he spent the night with us. Do you know what that means? The MoD was here for 22 fucking hours.

Now, I love that sweet smiling, blue eyed, curly blond headed little boy. He almost makes me want to shoot rainbows and butterflies out of my ass, but today? He was not a little boy.

Today, the MoD was a cranky, whiny, teething, toy chucking, throw himself on the motherfucking ground throwing a temper tantrum, screaming the word of the day...NOOOOOOOOOOOOo as loud and long as he fucking could, demon asshole.

Holy fuck, at one point I was sure his motherfucking head would pop off, spin around ala Linda Blair, and eat the goddamn dogs while flipping me the bird.

With the miracle that is Jim Beam, about 205 Popsicles and 1246 Dum-Dum suckers, we somehow made it through the day without any casualties or loss of limbs.

I am fucking exhausted.

After I pushed MoD and his Mother out of the fucking door at 3:30 this afternoon, I headed to the kitchen where I proceeded to make a ham & Xanax sandwich. After a trip to the liquor store, I came home and was preparing to tap a goddamn main line in my arm and hook up the Corona.

That's when I heard what sounded like a goddamn Bloods vs Crip gang war coming from my living room. I immediately dropped to the fucking floor because my tired ass brain relayed the message, "Yo, the gang bangers from the hood are in the living room vato! We are gonna get smoked or shanked!!"

After a few minutes, I realized that Duke and my lovely Spawn of Satan son were playing XBOX Live on the big screen with the surround sound speakers cranked to ear bleed volume. Asshats about gave me a fucking heart attack.

I spent twenty goddamn minutes lecturing the Duke and the SoS about their driving me to the goddamn brink of madness, and how horrible they will feel if I end up on a fucking highway overpass somewhere with an goddamn AK47 strapped to my chest, picking off motorists and talking to the imaginary fucking monkeys on my shoulder.

Fuck this week, fuck this long ass day, and fuck that goddamn XBOX. It's time for my ambien and wine nightcap.

I will be in a self-induced drunken coma on Saturday so I will see you assclowns on Sunday for our weekly Drunken Reflections from a Bathtub.


  1. Ham and Xanex sandwich? I need to keep that little remedy in mind!

  2. Hi Dutchess , Sir-Eats-Alot here , can you tell me what game the Duke was playing and if they make it for the wii ? Sounds like they were having fun ! Well off to take care of the Dame , she's been sick and I'm dealing with her mini-me ! LOL !

  3. Ham and Xanex sounds like a tasty sandwich.

    Now remember when you end up on the overpass with an AK-47 with that monkey telling you to purify the road, remember to fire in short bursts. This will help conserver ammo while maintaing effective aim. You're fully automatic bursts should be no longer then you saying "Son of a bitch" which is about 3 to 4 shots. This also lets you hit more motorsists.

    Isin't it great the stuff I know :)

  4. Benadryl. That's all I'm sayin' LOL

  5. LMAO. Thanks for sharing. My day sucked monkey balls, but I surely would have exploded with the MoD. Glad you survived. Have a glass of wine for me!

  6. Ham and Xanax sandwich. omg you are such a sweet bitch. you make me smile every time I "come" to your site. :)

  7. DAMN that sounds like everyday at my house.. can you slip me a few of them xanex? haha j/k! Im convinced that toddlers & xbox is going to be the end of me!

  8. "I headed to the kitchen wher I proceeded to make a ham and xanax sandwich." Too damn funny and,....I will be trying that delightful sounding sandwich tomorrow. Thank you Julia Child!

  9. Ha ha ha. Have a great drug induced weekend Dutchess!

  10. Ham and Xanex sandwich? Two please, hold the ham..this has been a fuck of a 30 days.. I'm ready to be on the over pass with you. I love the monkeys on my shoulder..and who told you they were imaginary?

  11. Diva, it works everytime.

    Sir, I have no idea what they were playing. I avoid the XBOX like the fucking plague.

    Wolf, thanks for the 411, that shit is good to know

    Donda, bene makes him hyper, go figure, huh

    Momma, dorry your day sucked, and just for that, I will have 3 drinks for you

    Dazee...shhhhh, we ixnay on the weetsay stuff. It will ruin my bitchy reputation.

    Brit, the Xanax are in the mail

    Middle, I hope you enjoyed your sammich!

    Oh I did Mike, thank you sugar

    Sis, I've saved you a spot on the over pass. I heart your face