Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Off With Their Heads!!!!

The royal moving company kinda sucks. Hopefully they will get my shit moved in soon. In the meantime, I thought I would give you a little background on the people that live here in Dorkville.

(Whoa! I bitched to the Queen about the royal movers, and look what happened. The movers got their asses in gear and prettied up the place. They also hooked up the beer keg, cable and free porn!)

But, I digress. On with the introductions...

There is me, The Dutchess. I'm so full of bruises from my many falling incidents and accidents The Awesome, that this entire blog could be just about me, me, ME! and you fuckers would LOVE IT.

You! Back in the corner...Shut UP! Yes you so fucking would!

However, there are more people in Dorkville that want their 15 minutes of fame. Since I am so generous, I've decided to allowed them to ride my coattails as we head for the Blogging Hall of Fame.

The Duke of Dorkville....My husband, the moneymaker, the payer of the bills, a warm body on a cold night, the giver of gold and, head Dork. (NO, I didn't say he gives head to the Duke. Pay attention SISTER DEAR or put the goddamn drink down.)

Next is my oldest daughter, The Lady In Waiting, Blondee. She is 22 and should be called the Lady -not so much- in waiting. Poor thing took after me. She is gorgeous, of course, ...but has the same propensity for accidents) and moved out of the castle at 18, got preggers at 20, and still isn't married. She did produce the cutest royal baby though. He is 16 months old and we call him The Lord of Destruction because, well, obviously. I think Blondie has a drinking problem, but here in Dorkville, that, will get you a medal.

The Lady In Waiting, Priss, is up next. I'm pretty sure the hospital fucked up and gave us the wrong child. She is 19, just finished her first year in college, has a steady job, and is involved in missions trips to help children in Africa. Try as I might, she doesn't drink, do drugs, cuss, and has never had a boyfriend. She says she is saving herself for marriage. Which, HA! If she only knew that when you get married the object is less sex, more beer, and a checking account that is bigger than when you were single, but with less work for you. Sweet girl, but sticks out like a sore thumb in this family.

Finally there is Lord Crash, my 15 year old son, also known as the Spawn of Satan. I think his name says it all.

I do have some Royal Family in the blogosphere. Believe me, they are just as fucked up as us here in Dorkville full of The Awesome too.

There is my drunk ass Big Sister who is Queen of What The Fuck. I'd describe her, but seriously? The bitch is fucking scary crazy I heart her, so my opinion is bias. Go read her, form your own opinion.

There is my niece, the original Queen's daughter, Princess K. She lives in Kansas, but has tossed the ruby slippers, bought a new castle, and upped her tiara value. She also procreated the cutest little Orge princess, and is a very talented artist. Don't let that artsy - fartsy shit fool you, she is as fucked up as the rest of us. Maybe even more so because she actually grew up living with with Queenie in the same house! She is very cute though, and in love with her Prince Charming.

Lastly, there is the Queen's newly adopted daughter ,The Crazy Brunette. We couldn't let someone this fucked up run amok through the blogosphere by herself, stealing our glory. So, instead of feeding her to the crocodiles that live in the moat, we adopted her. She drinks, cusses, wreaks havoc and chaos where ever she goes. Basically, she fits right in.

Well, there you have it...The fam. my peeps, my posse. You fuck with one of us, you fuck with all of us......Unless someone has been disowned, and that? Could happen at any minute.

What!? It's true! Drugs, drinks, and crazy are not conducive for a nicey nice family get together. But I promise, we are a hell of alot of fun!

Now, I have a cold Corona screaming "DRINK ME!"
And I for one, always listen to the voices.

See you assholes next time.



  1. I knew you would do us proud... you just fucking rock cocks bitch.. I mean stone roosters... why do I always get that all fucked up...

  2. The Queen sent me over to read your blog and I was afraid not to! I definitely see a family resemblance. Looking forward to reading more from you!

  3. Maybe because YOU are stoned, and not the rooster. ha. Thanks sis.

    Hi Joanie! Glad you came around, even if you were dragged here by knife point.

  4. Anything to oblige the Queen....(I would like to keep my head)! Nice writing! I will be back......

  5. Damn right! Bitches need to recognize NOT to fuck with the royal family!!

    Yes, I fully agree I should not be left to my own devices in the blogging world... I may blow the shit clear the fuck out of the water. Supervision is a MUST!

    The Queen would never allow me to be fed to the crocs... I bring in too much money hooking for her on the weekends... Someone has to support that bitches drinking habit!

    You my dear Auntie Whore-face shall be added to my front page with the QUEEN and The OG Princess!

  6. Hi Granny Nanny! Thanks for visiting. And, you're damn right you'll be back. Or we will hunt you down, and forcibly make you visit. lol

    Princess CB, thanks for the add on the front page. But, for fuck's sake girl, if you are hooking to support Queenie's drinking habit, you're gonna wear out you're...crown jewel... before the end of the year!

  7. That's what I keep telling the bitch, but she doesn't fucking listen.

    You talk to her damnit!

  8. bwahahahahahaha I love this and can't wait for more blog posts!!!