Tuesday, July 13, 2010

An Open Letter

Dear Motherfucking Skunk That Sprayed My Dogs,

You know what? I know you pulled this stunt because the Dutchess had a tooth pulled today and I'm just not on my A game. I was gonna kill your stanky ass. Then, I remember I can’t kill you. You were just defending yourself when you sprayed, right?

Fair point, and because I'm in pain, drunk as a skunk and can't see straight enough to chase your smelly fucking ass a fair person full of the awesome, I will let you live, FOR NOW.

However, consider yourself warned you skunky motherfucker, these are my plans if you spray my dogs again.

I will fucking kill you. I will kill you 12 times past dead. I will tear your goddamn head off and post it on a spike in my front fucking yard yard so that ALL your trashy skunk friends know to fear me.

No, wait. I have a better plan.

I will find your little skunk wife and allow the motherfucking gophers to have their way with her. Yes, my friend, gophers are well known for being rapists. Tough shit, accept it!

I will then call your skunky cable company, pretending to be you, and have all channels in your comfy little den deactivated... except for the jesus ones. Take THAT motherfucking skunk.

I will go online as you and post racist anti-skunk rants so that the next time you stop at your skunk community bar and trash can, you will get the fucking shit beat out of you by your own kind.

I will register you as a piss ass Democrat. In Dorkville, that is it's own death wish, mother fucker!

I will get you hooked on Lost, back when it was awesome, and then make you watch every goddamn episode until you finish the whole long and pointless fucking ending.

I will get you a boxed set of every goddamn dumbass Lorne Michael's produced comedy based on an SNL skit, and force you to watch every single one. Of course I will have removed the Blues Brothers movie because that movie kicks ass.

I will order "I Love Gerbils Up My Ass" skunk monthly magazine in your name but send it to your neighbors addresses. That way everyone will wink in a knowing _you're a goddamn freak show- kinda way at you, but you will never understand why.

I will have a motherfucking cocktail party and invite you over 30 minutes after everyone else. You will come to the door. I will, quite loudly, say “get out of here you stupid motherfucking gerbil assed skunky freak show!” and totally not let you in.

Maybe I will slip you a motherfucking mickey, take you out to the country, put a Marilyn Manson shirt on your ass and drop you off. I'm sure the fucking hillbilly hicktown skunks will kick the shit out of you, and maybe even cut your balls off.

And, you skunky cocksucker, I might just give you little side burns and call you Elvis, because I fucking can, you little dicklicker.

I may even pump you full of narcotics and take pictures of you drooling and crapping yourself. You will then become the poster child for the skunk community's "Just Say No campaign".

Get the idea you skunky motherfucker? Don’t fuck with my dogs... again.


  1. Woolite.. takes the skunk smell out of dogs... it works..

    I just laughed so hard I spit coffee on the laptop.. you ass..

    love ya sista...

  2. When I grow up, I want to be just like you!!!!!!

  3. Wish I would have know about the woolite before I went through 27 boxes of baking soda & 10 giany bottles of peroxide.

    Sassy whoreface, you make my heart happy too.

    Dazee...growing up is highly overrated.

  4. I always head tomato sauce is best. That was laugh out loud funny. Can I steal some of your lines?

  5. Mike, the tomato jucie didn't fucking work, but my male dog is now rocking a pinkish color coat. He is plotting my demise as we speak. And yes, you can steal some of my lines.

  6. And WHAT pray tell... DO I do with the mother fucking opossums in my backyard??? And the raccoons? and the JUNE bugs!

    If you've got the gofers off raping the skunks... then I'm just fucked in the ass with NO lube.