Wednesday, July 14, 2010

DNA.....Nature's Revenge

Ever look at you family and go...WTF??? How can I possibly be related to these crazy motherfuckers? Yeah, we all have those moments.

Then we have those, "Oh jesus christ on a cupcake! I think I'm turning into my Mother, (father, crazy aunt, whatever) AACCKKK!" moments too.

THAT is the shit that can be down right scary. When and how the fuck does that shit happen? Does it magically invade your body in the night while you sleep? Is it in a sneak attack while your engrossed in a book, getting high, or before your morning coffee?

All I know is that one minute, I'm all Dutchess, and the next I hear myself yelling at my kids to "eat because there are goddamn children starving in China...blah blah blah", and somewhere in the back of my brain I'm thinking...I've heard this before...where have I...

OH FUCK! My Mother said that when I was a kid and dammit, I WILL NOT BE MY GODDAMN MOTHER!

The older I get, the more I see my Grandmother in my own Mother. My Gram was a little dingy, and she used to talk to anyone and everyone. Didn't matter if they didn't answer, she talked anyway.

She was the lady in the store that talked to you about her father-in law's farm while you were looking at the watermelons. She was the lady in the check-out line that commented on the National Enquirer stories. She was the one sitting on the park bench talking to the fucking homeless guy about what a nice day it was.

It embarrassed and drove my Mother absolutely batshit crazy. She was always yelling at her to "Stop talking to strangers Mother, what if they are an axe murderer!"

Know what? Last week my Mother and I were out shopping. As I was looking through the sale rack, I hear my Mom talking. I look up, and she is talking to some goddamn stranger about how clean the store is. WTF?

I giggled, but said nothing. When we got into the car, I said, "Mom, you are getting more & more like Gram with your wandering around the store talking to strangers! They could have been axe murderers!" She said, "Bite your damn tongue! That shit is not even a little bit funny Dutchess!"

We stopped for lunch at a buffet. We grab plates, and hit the food trough. I turn around to ask my Mother if she wanted something, and yep...there she was talking to some stranger about how good the food is there.

I looked at her, and began to laugh...she knew exactly what I was laughing at. As we sat down she said, "Fuck! I AM turning into my Mother!" I then giggled and said "Karma kicks you in the ass when ya least expect it, huh Mom?"

Pssst...Can I tell you something? Sometimes, even with all of our "I'm not gonna's", that goddamn DNA over rules even the best of intentions.

My daughter and I went shopping today. There we are, looking, shopping and walking, and all of a sudden, I am talking to some goddamn stranger about the cut of a particular skirt we both happened to be looking at. That led to talking about daughters, and blah blah blah, and just about then, I look over at my daughter.

I see laughter dancing in her eyes with a grin the size of motherfucking Texas. I quickly walked away thinking..."Oh FUCK!" and told my daughter to shut her damn mouth, or she would be walking home. She just giggled.

My Mom has a pretty new Chrysler Seabring convertible. Her husband has a fairly new PT Cruiser. She called to see if my husband could look at her car. I asked what happened because lately, she is notorious for bumping curbs, or shopping carts, and other inanimate objects causing minor damage to the front of her car.

She said she hopped into her car, opened the garage, put the car in reverse, and then must have gotten distracted because next thing she knew, she backed into her husbands car. The same car that is ALWAYS parked there.

This made me laugh my ass off. I was like, "Mom, what the hell happened? Didn't you glance in the rear view? Isn't this something that you are aware of, and have been for the past 10 years?"

She mumbled, "Well, I'm not sure... I was... thinking... um..forgot..."

I just about peed myself laughing so fucking hard and told her she reminded me of Gram.

She said, "Just you're 43 and the descent is a rapid one, my pretty."

Tonight, I decided to grill some burgers. As I'm, grilling, I notice the plants on my porch need to be dead-headed. So, I do that.

Then I think, well, it's time for plant food too, so I go in to mix up a batch. I then proceed feeding the hanging baskets, the flower garden, and as I round the corner to feed the blackberry bush, my son comes screaming towards me. "MOM!!!!THE GRILL IS ON FIRE!!!COME QUICK!!!"

Oh motherfucking hell! I run back to the grill and can see the flames shooting out from underneath. I whip open the grill top, and the damn flames singed not only my arm hair, but that eyebrow wax appointment I have for tomorrow?...totally not needed this month.

What's left of my beautiful burgers can only be described as blackened, charred to a crisp, dried out grill-kill. I tried to feed some to the dogs, but they won't touch them and they? Eat fucking cat shit on a regular basis.

My son looks at me and said, "Geeze Mom, what happened?"

I say, "Umm..well..I was plants and...umm...the food dead-heading like sandwiches and chips for supper tonight." For fuck sake, my bitch Mother must have put a goddamn pox on me.

My son grins and says, "Mom, you're kinda reminding me of Gramma. That's something she would do & say."

Little asshole. That kid will be lucky if he survives the goddamn summer.

Fucking DNA...scary shit I tell you. Even the goddamn homeless guy agrees with me.

FML...I need a beer.


  1. oh my god, you are gonna kill me with these stories....Old bladder her sis.... I can't take this shit...

    remember when Mom backed over your cat and told you the kid hit it with the trike...

    oh wait.. that was me.. sorry

  2. ahaha, I'm even scarier. I can make my voice sound like my mom. That really scares the shit out of my kids. :)

  3. Fuck it. Since we can blame all of our psychosis on DNA, lets just get high and drunk. Cheers!

  4. Oh my.. we are a bad influence on Mike... he just said fuck... tee hee... we win.. come to the dark side mike.. we have chocolate..

  5. Queen Skankypants, I'll send you a coupon for depends. Wear them when you read. AND...BITCH! It was you that ran over the cat? goddamn it!

    That is fucking scary shit Dazee.

    Mike, I think you are my kind of guy. Pass the booze and don't bogart the happy stick.

  6. HAHA!!!!

    Dad CB, turns into Grandpa CB MORE AND MORE every single fucking day!!!!

    AND I TOO, have started to succumb to the curse... My mother used to smile and wave to fuckers that walked by or rode by on a tricycle...

    What did I do the other day???

    Fuck me.