Monday, August 30, 2010

Fevered Thoughts, Kleenex and The F-bomb

Ok asshats, the Dutchess is tired and has a fucking cold. However, it is that time of the week. So, without further adieu, I bring you ...

Duke bought a handgun, for protection. I laughed my ass off because unless he has suddenly become an enemy of a Mid-west Mafia, I'm not sure what we need protecting from.

Maybe some rogue raccoon running all hairy cary on us with an Uzi. Maybe some terrorist Squirrel with a bomb taped to his body screaming "Alla Malla, lowalololawaolallamalla" while running toward the house. HA!

I lived in Texas for over 10 years and it's in the state constitution that everyone must learn proper shooting etiquette. (BTW, HOLLA MR. CLARK!!! That's a shout out to my 1st gun instructor. Sorry about the toe!)

I picture me in my new bathrobe, bleary eyed from lack of sleep, coon skin hat on, (so I can show the other rouge goddamn raccoons I mean business), storm out of the house with guns blazing.

One rouge coon looks at one terrorist squirrel and says, "Dude, they sent Granny Oakley! BWAHAHAHA"

Fucking animals.

I wish I could fly. But, as I've said before, I'm never jumping out of a plane unless it's on fucking fire and going down. Maybe I should bungee jump. On second thought, NOT with these boobs? Oh hell no. Black eyes are not a good look on anyone.

Look fuckers, I know this isn't my best post. My goddamn nose is runny, my eyes are watery, I have a fever and my fucking throat feels like sandpaper. I'm exhausted, and the night-time cold medicine, Xanax, ambien and the cold Corona I washed it all down with, is taking it's toll. Suck it.

We all know that CB got reviewed by some lame ass review blog. I won't get into it (because they are not worth anymore of my goddamn precious time), however, one of their complaints was that the Royal Family swears too much. What-EVAH!

I've been thinking, and stealing a few of these quotes I am taking my Kleenex but leaving you with this...

Times When The F-bomb Was Appropriate
"A fucking Mouse? You gotta be kidding me!" --Donald Duck

"Stupid fucking Cow!" --Mrs. O'Leary

"Where did I put the fucking handcuff keys?" --Harry Houdini

"Ok, who gave the kid the fucking stone?"--Goliath

"Where the fuck am I" --Amelia Erhart

"More wives = more pleasure...what the fuck was I thinking?"--Brigham Young

"Fucking carpet-bagging Yankees!"--General Robert E. Lee

"Prince fucking Charming my ass!" --Princess Diana

"Someone kill that fucking goat!"--Any Cubs Fan

"Un-fucking-sinkable? uh...NO!"--Captain Edward J. Smith

"Aw, c'mon, no one will fucking find out?"--Bill Clinton

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" -- General Custer

"Oh COME ON! Any fucking idiot could understand that." -- Einstein

"It does SO fucking look like her!" -- Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras

"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" -- Michelangelo

"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain." -- Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking ass!" -- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" --JFK

"What the fuck was that?!" --Mayor of Hiroshima


  1. LMfuckingAO!!!!!Love the fucking post! You fucking feel better soon!! ((HUGS))

  2. Those were fucking hilarous. omg, I need to print those out.

  3. Oh fuck me those quotes are hilarious. I'm pretty sure that's exactly what the mayor of Hiroshima said just before being vaporized and having his shadow burned into some concrete. As usually you're posts make me giggle like a school girl.

  4. LMAO!!! Those quotes were hysterical! I'm dying.

    And yes I think everyone should no how to use a gun...damn those squirrel terrorists fuckers!

  5. and Jesus said..

    I'm suppose to do what on fucking Easter?

    Mary said. Where the fuck am I suppose to give birth to this brat?

    Noah said.. I'm suppose to build a boat how fucking big?

    It's gonna rain how fucking long?

    I'm suppose to do what with these fucking animals?

    God said,, You did what with that fucking apple?

  6. OMG! You are too much. I am laughing so hard everyone at work thinks I'm having convultions.

  7. Thank you Diva

    TY Lass

    Thanks Dame Amy.

    Help yourself Dazee

    Gracias Babes

    Imagining a wolf giggling like a school girl makes me giggle.

    JoJo, I think it's some kind of Squirrel Convention

    Queen, hahahahahaha

    Mike glad I made ya laugh