Friday, August 20, 2010

FUFF Blog Stalk Friday and A Pissy Post

CB changed FUFF to Blog Stalk Friday. Jeeze...just when I could remember FUFF, it's now BSF. Whatever, on with the show...

It was time for my yearly physical, and as usual, the Doc. ordered lab work, blood work, and other shit.

After taking my blood,
Which BTW, why in the fuck do you need 8 goddamn tubes worth? Is Team fucking Edward running the goddamn lab now?

Anyway...The nurse handed me a piss cup and said Doc ordered a urine test too, so I headed to the restroom.

Now, you all know I have mad Ninja skillz, but not many people know that I also have piss test skills too. Since I've been on probation and parole before, I've peed in more goddamn cups than Lindsey fucking Lohan.

I've perfected the skill of aiming without looking and for the guys out there? It's a completely different story when you have a twat. We can't just stick it in the cup and let fucking fly. We have to carefully hold the cup so that our stream, at the very fucking least, hits the side of the cup and runs down. Fuck this up and you walk around with pissy goddamn panties.

Add that to having to hover over the damn toilet (because you don't sit down and then put the cup in place or you end up accidentally touching the fucking toilet water and just, eww, cut my whole fucking arm off, please) and trying to keep your damn dress from getting in the line of fire and you have one tricky fucking dance that takes mad skillz.

I lifted my dress, dropped my thong, and guided the cup into the piss zone. Even though I'm sure I'm in the right spot, I slowly begin to pee just in case.

jesus fucking christ on a cupcake!, I felt the warm piss hit my motherfucking hand. I clenched, stopped the piss flow and readjusted the fucking cup. This cup must be small," I told myself. After making some minor corrections, I relaxed and once again, started pissing. Again, warm piss trickled down hand.

"What. The. Hell." Is my goddamn pussy crooked? I tried a third time, adjusting the cup to where the pee should be coming from. This time, there was no stopping the stream of piss and I gritted my teeth in disgust as I pissed all over my motherfucking hand, the toilet seat and the floor.

When I was finished, I sat down on the toilet and looked at the goddamn cup up to see if any piss got inside.

Well, fuck me. I forgot to take fucking lid off.

I really shouldn't drink before going for these fucking tests.

Then, I noticed that the label on the cup was paper. Just fucking Fabulous. Any other time, it was written on the cup with a goddamn permanent marker. Nope! Not this time.

I tried to wash off the cup and that drenched the fucking paper label, causing it to start peeling off. You couldn't even read my goddamn name anymore.

I whipped that piece of shit cup into the garbage and washed my hands with scalding water. After cleaning the seat and floor and washing my fucking hands, again, I opened the door and called for the nurse.

"Um, I need another pee cup."

"What happened Dutchess?"

"I...I sat on this one. Um...Broke it."

"You sat on it?"

"Yep. Snapped the piece of shit right in half."

"Ok. Just give me the broken one and I'll get you another."

"I can't. I threw it away."

"Oh, well I'll just come in and -"

"Why?"

"We have to account for all medical supplies. I just need to document it."

"So, write it down. This isn't a fucking drug test. I just need another goddamn cup."

"Well, if you could just-"

"OK NURSE RATCHED!! I pissed all over it and tried to wash it off and now it's fucked up, CAN I JUST HAVE ANOTHER GODDAMN CUP?"

"Oh. Yes..um sure...one sec."

I bet there is no fucking piss cup count. The bitch just wanted to make me fucking admit it. Fuck You Nurse Ratched.

Now, go check out the rest of the kick ass people who participate in fuff Blog Stalk Friday.
This is not for the weak and timid. Twat waffles need not click.
One Crazy Brunette Chick

It's Friday, BEER ME!!!

27 comments:

  1. I'm gonna love blog stalking... and ... how many times do I have to tell you.. You have a perfectly good little kid in the family.. with pee as pure as the driven snow.. YOu are suppose to take them with you.. and they pee in the cup for you.. just aim and squeeze.. jeeeezus woman.. we're drunk taking, boozing swilling hookers.. we don't pee in cups..

    off to get bail money,, cause this is not going to have a good outcome..

    ReplyDelete
  2. *drug

    Shut up bitch.. I worked the corner last night,, plus I have a freaking hang over.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Who knew pissing in a cup could be that difficult???

    ReplyDelete
  4. I guess the moral to this story is to take the god damn cap off the cup before you piss. Your funny story makes me more glad than ever that I am a guy. It is good to have an aiming thingy.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Damn Dutchess! I would have went back and got the damn cup and threw it at her face. You held out a lot longer at yelling at her than I would have.

    ReplyDelete
  6. omg. I hate "urine" samples. Especially when the fucking lab tech RAN OUT INTO THE PARKING LOT YELLING TO ME, "we forgot to get your urine sample". Thanks for announcing it to the world!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Urine samples suck. End of story.

    ReplyDelete
  8. New follower from Blog Stalk Friday!

    Thanks for the laugh...you freakin rock!

    ReplyDelete
  9. You got way further than me!! I can only guess that I have 'public toilet anxiety' because the instant a nurse hands me a cup and points to the door... my bladder locks up like Fort Knox! "FUCK YOU! The platlets told me all about you money hungry bitches!! I intend to remain in this uncomfortable cramp until you get home!"

    So, I usually get to brown bag it! I'm now almost immune to the awkward feeling you get when you walk up to the receptionist with your brown bag and whisper, "I've got something for the lab." You know the whole damn waiting room knows you're packing a piss cup!!

    I don't even bother being discrete anymore. I start laying on the horn when I hit the parking lot. I run into the waiting room yelling, "I'm fucking late for work, here's some piss for the lab... if you hurry it'll still be warm for the bitch!!"

    ReplyDelete
  10. PWT--
    What would be even funnier is if you casually walk in with it OUT OF THE BAG and say "warm and sweet like honey! I tasted it and it has a sugary taste, do you think I am diabetic?" LMAO

    ReplyDelete
  11. Honestly laughing out loud and if you can make me do that, you're pretty damn good! I'm always the one cracking people up. Gotta be special to crack me up. Anyway,...I am thrilled to hear I am not the only one who pisses all up and down my arm, then voila, I make it in the cup. Take the cup out to discover there is a fraction af an inch of pee. Oh well. It's their job to take the tests, not me. From now on, just tell then if they want a urine sample, they'd better bring out a catheter. Oh c'mon. What's one more thing being stuck up there?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I hope crooked pussies don't run in the family!!!

    I woke up Mr. CB laughing so hard, then made him sit down and let me read it TO HIM...

    I could barely get through it because TEARS were running down my face, my nicotine covered lungs were giving out from lack of oxygen WHILE reading it out loud to him and AGAIN cracking the FUCK up.

    I am sending this to every fucker I know... It is IMPERATIVE to their piss poor, shit lives too read this before they die.

    I LOVE YOU BITCH!

    ReplyDelete
  13. roflmbo.. ok well that was the visual I needed before bed.. although I think when You add pregnancy into the mix and then getting in those positions umm yeah.. ever notice most OB GYN are MEN.. Now ya know why cause we women would never inflict that kind of humiliation on one another without a damn good reason ..

    ReplyDelete
  14. That has to be the most funny thing I've read all day! Sorry about it all though!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thats the best laugh of my weekend. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  16. aint that a bitch..not of a fan of pissin in cups myself, u shouldve washed it off and gave the shit back since she wanted it so bad..lol

    ReplyDelete
  17. OMFG! That was the best Monday morning wake me the fuck up ever!

    ReplyDelete
  18. That is perfect. And I mean perfect like a Monday morning hangover.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Sent over here by CB and I don't want her to kick my ass!!

    That was a great story. I have no idea how people piss in those cups. It's fucking disgusting. Ladies aren't meant for that type of activity. Vagina's can't aim the way dicks can!

    The other night I was so wasted and had to piss my brains out. I was in a car and there were no bathrooms in site so this snobby nyc diva had to piss on the side of a highway.

    I had no idea what the fuck I was doing and there was piss everywhere. All over my designer dress too god dammit!

    ReplyDelete
  20. OMG thats the funniest shit i have read in a looong time LMAO!!! sounds like something I would totally do!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I think I peed myself just reading this. My sympathy to you. Happens ever time...to the best of us. LMAO. On the search for a book on perfect urine samples right now! You rock! Great post!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Also important to take the time, while in a drunken stupor, to ensure that the toilet seat is up, especially when you're a squatter like me. Don't even ask...all I will say is floor, shoes, everywhere!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm here under orders from the CB, and damned glad I came. Almost pissed on my own self, laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  24. LMAO! ROTFL! MTTN! Tears are rolling down my face!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Wow, thanks y'all.

    CB, you have kick ass power over these people.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Oh, how I hate to pee in those cups, hate them but have to admit I have always deep down been paranoid I would forget to take the lid off and so I get myself all worked up before the 'event'.
    My thing with the nurse, did she think you were keeping the cup, I mean what, you were actually going to steal a pee cup??? Whatever! I felt for you through that story but I also giggled too.
    Oh, and CB sent me over, you know with a nice little nudge, like only CB nudges and I am so glad she nudged (LOL)

    ReplyDelete
  27. LMFAO... hilarious... fuckin' cracked me up....

    ReplyDelete

Followers