My lovely sister, The Queen, put out an APB on me. She even put my face on fucking milk cartons!
Crazy Drunken Ho forgot that Friday, I was in jail. However, I was able to bribe Big Bertha so I could participate in CB's Blog Stalk Friday.
AND Saturday is The Dutchess' Day off. Fuck! Even Big Ernie needed a day of rest.
In her crazy drunken defense, she gets nervous when the Duke and I go missing because in our younger years, that usually meant that more crotch parasites would be joining the family nine months later.
However, after the Spawn of Satan made his appearance almost 16 years ago, I had all of those procreating parts removed, stomped on and then burned to a fucking crisp.
Now, grab your favorite boxed wine, pull up a seat and sit the hell down. It's time for...
Duke decided to relax and go fishing this afternoon. He promised an endless supply of Corona if I went with. You asshats know I couldn't say no. Now I wish I had. Drinking ice cold Coronas at the speed of light only means one thing. Holy mother of christ I had to pee!!!!!!
Because we were in bumfucked nowhere, the was no restroom. I could only hold it for so long before I thought my goddamn bladder might explode. I finally accepted defeat and went to pee in the goddamn woods. Each time I did, I got attacked by our new state bird. The fucking mosquito.... On my ass. It was the only goddamn part of my body that wasn't soaked in Deep Woods Off.
I guess if I were a mosquito, my ass would seem like a fucking buffet. I can hear the mosquito now, (in a ridiculous Mexican accent, because, obviously).
This Julio Mosquito, Gringo Ass Hunter. "Holy frijoles! Look at the size of it amigos! If I can take this mamacita down, her borrico will feed my whole family for a year! I had better creep up on her, though. She's not in her natural habitat vato, and could be muy loco!"
Speaking of Cheech and Chong, WHAT??? Mexican accent-ed mosquitoes remind me of Cheech and Chong, so eat me fuckers!
Anyway, being a lizard might be fun. Not that pretentious gecko fuck on the commercials, but something cool like a chameleon. How goddamn funny would it be to blend into the refrigerator and scare the fuck out of the SoS. Or I could wait in the shower for The Duke and just as he is washing his balls be all "Heeeeer's Johnny!!" HA!
I was trimming the fucking Velcro factory that surrounds my lady bits, when I spotted them. What the motherfucking hell??? THERE ARE GODDAMN GREY HAIRS... on my vajayjay, my chachi, my whisker biscuit, poontang, cooter, twat, coochie, snatch, alter of love, fun hatch, pink taco, vaginator, bearded (in my case Amish) clam, ....
OK , so I got carried away, whatever. Holy fuck y'all, my beaver is turning grey. This simply will not do.
Maybe I should wax it into a landing strip, or just go all out and go for the smooth look. On second thought, FUCKING HELL TO THE NO! Been there done that, ended up with my ass cheeks glued shut, my pussy stuck to the tub and a fucking scar on my puffy lady lips. Fuck you, Shut-UP!
Maybe I'll just dye it. I could dye it a really cool color like green...no, green might make it look moldy and nobody likes a moldy snatch.
Maybe blue. Then I could pretend it was the Blue Lagoon and tell The Duke to dive in, the water is just fine while humming the tune "Endless Love".
Maybe orange...no that would remind me of a bad Mexican dye job. The Mexican Hat Dance song would play in my head causing me to shout "OLE!" Every time I took a shit.
I always wanted a pink pony. Now I can have a hot pink pussy. I could shave the pubs into a big P and be the Pink Pussy Avenger. Wonder what my gynecologist would think.
Maybe purple. Would kinda give new meaning to the Purple People Eater song. SWEET! I could totally make up new words. "It was a one hole, one clit, shiny purple pecker eater."
Maybe it's time to go. My ass itches, fucking Julio!