Sunday, August 22, 2010

A Bathtub, A Box Of Wine and an Old Lady

Hello fucksticks. Before we get started, I need to clear something up. I am alive and drunk and hopped up on pills well.

My lovely sister, The Queen, put out an APB on me. She even put my face on fucking milk cartons!

Crazy Drunken Ho forgot that Friday, I was in jail. However, I was able to bribe Big Bertha so I could participate in CB's Blog Stalk Friday.

AND Saturday is The Dutchess' Day off. Fuck! Even Big Ernie needed a day of rest.

In her crazy drunken defense, she gets nervous when the Duke and I go missing because in our younger years, that usually meant that more crotch parasites would be joining the family nine months later.

However, after the Spawn of Satan made his appearance almost 16 years ago, I had all of those procreating parts removed, stomped on and then burned to a fucking crisp.

Now, grab your favorite boxed wine, pull up a seat and sit the hell down. It's time for...

Duke decided to relax and go fishing this afternoon. He promised an endless supply of Corona if I went with. You asshats know I couldn't say no. Now I wish I had. Drinking ice cold Coronas at the speed of light only means one thing. Holy mother of christ I had to pee!!!!!!

Because we were in bumfucked nowhere, the was no restroom. I could only hold it for so long before I thought my goddamn bladder might explode. I finally accepted defeat and went to pee in the goddamn woods. Each time I did, I got attacked by our new state bird. The fucking mosquito.... On my ass. It was the only goddamn part of my body that wasn't soaked in Deep Woods Off.

I guess if I were a mosquito, my ass would seem like a fucking buffet. I can hear the mosquito now, (in a ridiculous Mexican accent, because, obviously).

This Julio Mosquito, Gringo Ass Hunter. "Holy frijoles! Look at the size of it amigos! If I can take this mamacita down, her borrico will feed my whole family for a year! I had better creep up on her, though. She's not in her natural habitat vato, and could be muy loco!"

Speaking of Cheech and Chong, WHAT??? Mexican accent-ed mosquitoes remind me of Cheech and Chong, so eat me fuckers!

Anyway, being a lizard might be fun. Not that pretentious gecko fuck on the commercials, but something cool like a chameleon. How goddamn funny would it be to blend into the refrigerator and scare the fuck out of the SoS. Or I could wait in the shower for The Duke and just as he is washing his balls be all "Heeeeer's Johnny!!" HA!

I was trimming the fucking Velcro factory that surrounds my lady bits, when I spotted them. What the motherfucking hell??? THERE ARE GODDAMN GREY HAIRS... on my vajayjay, my chachi, my whisker biscuit, poontang, cooter, twat, coochie, snatch, alter of love, fun hatch, pink taco, vaginator, bearded (in my case Amish) clam, ....

OK , so I got carried away, whatever. Holy fuck y'all, my beaver is turning grey. This simply will not do.

Maybe I should wax it into a landing strip, or just go all out and go for the smooth look. On second thought, FUCKING HELL TO THE NO! Been there done that, ended up with my ass cheeks glued shut, my pussy stuck to the tub and a fucking scar on my puffy lady lips. Fuck you, Shut-UP!

Maybe I'll just dye it. I could dye it a really cool color like, green might make it look moldy and nobody likes a moldy snatch.

Maybe blue. Then I could pretend it was the Blue Lagoon and tell The Duke to dive in, the water is just fine while humming the tune "Endless Love".

Maybe that would remind me of a bad Mexican dye job. The Mexican Hat Dance song would play in my head causing me to shout "OLE!" Every time I took a shit.

I always wanted a pink pony. Now I can have a hot pink pussy. I could shave the pubs into a big P and be the Pink Pussy Avenger. Wonder what my gynecologist would think.

Maybe purple. Would kinda give new meaning to the Purple People Eater song. SWEET! I could totally make up new words. "It was a one hole, one clit, shiny purple pecker eater."

Maybe it's time to go. My ass itches, fucking Julio!


  1. Next time you color your hair, just buy a double batch and make the snatch match..

  2. OMG! Tummy cramps! Tears Running down face!
    Had to read this to the hubs.
    First off....Mosquitos have mexican accents. They just do.
    Secondly If you dye it green you could get a tattoo that says STAY OFF THE GRASS!
    Thirdly if you put some honey on the mosquito bites it will draw out the poison that makes them itch.
    Also putting honey on your ass could result in some long as you don't sit down and get your ass cheeks stuck to anything.

  3. LMAO! I can't stop laughing!
    My favorite color is purple but I might have to rethink that now!
    Just don't do what the Queen did and have Princess highlight that fucker! You might end up with more holes than what God gave ya!

  4. I hope your little tater makes it out alive!

    Salt and peppa tater, hmmmmmm

  5. roflmbo.. never heard so many names for it in my life.. glad you guys are all right next time warn queen so she doesn't have a panic blog..ya know like she did earlier..

  6. when laughing hysterically, and the grandkids come in to see whats so funny, and you say, oh, I'm just reading a blog, they are all like, what does it say. Ummm, nothing, just, go away and let me laugh.

    Jesus. I'm emailing this link to the hubs.

  7. Too fucking funny. The mosquitos up here in the pairies tend to have french canadian accents and travel in friggin swarms of thousands that you can see miles away. I fucking hate mosquitos

    Good choice on not going green by the way

  8. Dear God. I am at a loss for words. I need whatever kinda drugs you got.

  9. Oh my God, you are TOO funny! I can hardly type over my hardy belly laughs. I recommend you try Just For Men. If it can handle a gray beard, it can handle your gray bearded clam.

  10. By the way I agree with the Queen; make sure the carpet matches the drapes. lol

  11. I'd go with neon blue or the hot pink! Woohoo!

  12. Well fuck me running... Dutchess, I have no words you crazy ass bitch...

    I have your button done, but your anal slut niece can't pick out a font...

    I posted about you Auntie!!!

  13. OH! And PURPLE... Definitely PURPLE.

  14. You shoulda pissed all over those Mexican Mozzies! Little Fuckers.

    As for your Pubes. I think purple is the way to go...Purple Pubes sounds oh so fucking awesome!

  15. Your post has me laughing my ass off! I never knew a vajayjay had SOO many names! As for dying it, I couldn't stop laughing. I'm sure any color would be great hahaha!

  16. Queen, "Snatch Match" bwahahahahahaha *peed*

    MissC, thanks for the tip bitch! I'm so trying the honey next time.

    Holy hell Dame Amy, one more hole in this old body and I will fucking leak after drinking.

    Sage, "tater" made me laugh like a goddamn fool.

    Singed, thanks. The Queen was drink & forgot. lol

    Dazee, happens to me all the time. maybe I should have a parental warning.

    Wolf, green is definatley a no no in rhe twat department

    Donda, you must be crazy bitch! I share the good drugs with no one!

    Mike, Just for Men...hmm....thats an idea. I'll let you know how it turns out. ;)

    Middle child, you are a fucking reble and I like it.

    CB, I seem to have that effect on people. Thanks for the shout out. So many people came because you said so whore! I think you could make people do all of your evil biding

    McKenzie, I am an expert on vajayjay names. I would totally kick ass at Porno Trivial Persuit

    Thanks Diva

  17. The do make dye for it! I can't remember what it's called...hang on...

    there, now you know where to go. I couldn't handle my vag being grey!