Friday, August 6, 2010

I Have To Do EVERYTHING Around Here! /FUFF

Since my whorefaced niece The Crazy Brunette seems to be MIA, I am going to host her Fucked Up Friday Follow, right here in Dorkville.

CB, BTW, is in deep shit. I brought my goddamn laptop on vacation. Little bitch said she would cut her arm off before ever leaving her laptop behind for her vacation. So, where are the goddamn posts?Hmm? She isn't in goddamn Siberia, she is in California, where they have Wifi everyfuckingwhere.

Anyway... If you are new, go HERE TO READ THE RULES

BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO COME BACK HERE (Dorkville) TO LINK UP

Anyway, on to Fucked Up Friday Follow

I have some things to get off my chest.

To Every Burger King or McDonald's Employee Who Ever Lived: Why do you choose a job working with the goddamn public when it's obvious that you utterly despise all living creatures? Why didn't you go work at the DMV where people expect to be treated like peasant shit? Why can you not just give me my fucking McSalad without causing me mental anguish because my total was $6.68 and I gave you $21.18? Why????

To The Guy Who Left A Message For Me While I Was Gone: You win today's "Most Worthless Strand of DNA" title. Here. I'll tell you why.

I get back home today and I have a message to call Angus (named changed to protect the stupid) from the company that is remodeling the guest bathroom. So, I call.

*ringing*

"Hello?"

"Hi, Angus, it's Dutchess calling. How are you?'

"Did you get my message to call me?"

*blink. blink*

"Nope. I just wanted to see if you watched CSI last night."


"Uhh. Yeah, actually, I did."

"Wow. Thursday nights must be very confusing for you. Anyway, I just called to see if you could give me a brief synopsis cos' I fucking missed it. I had to give myself an enema."

"What? Who is this?"

"The Dutchess...we are your clients..you're remodeling our guest bathroom..."

"I left a message for you to call me."

"Huh. Well, I tell you what, I'll call you as soon as you tell me what happened on CSI last night."

Seriously, Fucktard. Stop smoking crack or raming your fucking head into a wall every night or whatever the hell you're doing because it's KILLING YOUR BRAIN. JUST FUCKING STOP. Or just stop trying to communicate with the outside world. jesus christ on a cracker.

To The Mid-Life Crisis Motherfucker with the hairy arms and the Dodge Viper who happened to be in front of me at the bank:

I come to the bank as a courtesy to my Hubby, for our business, not because I enjoy the witty banter from the goddamn tellers. I am late for my regular Corona pick up, you fucking stain. Do you think that maybe while we sat in line for 10 minutes you could have filled out the damn deposit slip instead of waiting until the receiving box actually opened??

I know that your money really needs to hit the account before 2 pm or your check for that Maxim subscription is going to bounce like my tits without a bra, but bugging the fuck out of the teller while she's trying to process your deposit isn't helping. It made it douche bag.

It shoots up that fucking plastic tube and goes straight to her. I know you can't see it, but, trust me on this. It's a PLASTIC TUBE. Not a portal into another world, you big hairy ball sac.

Oh, and when the slip comes back, can you please just put the receptacle back in and leave? What the hell are you looking for in there? Your goddamn misspent youth? MOVE, YOU ASSHAT.

To the Amazon Bitch who almost knocked me down in her hurry to get into The Deli: It happens all the time. You're walking on the sidewalk into an establishment and someone is crossing the parking lot to walk in. You know that one of you needs to pause and let the other go first or there will be a collision.

I saw you coming, cunt nugget. I hesitated to stop because I had already lost 30 minutes to Mid-Life Dicklick, so why the hell not you too. You, on the other hand, had other plans. You lowered your head like a motherfucking bull about to charge and even skipped a little as you rushed in front of me and then let the door close In. My. Face.

Newsflash, you Amazon whore. There's no shortage of salami. They aren't rationing the cheesecake or the goddamn ham. I could maybe understand your urgency if a bus full of Ethiopian refugees had pulled up at the same time as you did, but we are the only ones in the restaurant. I hope they were out of cheesecake. Bitch. Fuckyouverymuch
One Crazy Brunette Chick

Now, link-up bitches. Tell me about your FUFF post. And for fuck sake assbags, please follow CB's rules. I don't need her crazy ass bitching at me.



11 comments:

  1. oh god. my stomach is in pain from the laughter. I hate people that have to recount their money, or check over their receipts. move out of the lane. park, if you have a problem get back into line, or I don't know, go into the fucking bank.

    and jesus, people now a days don't even have to figure out how much fucking change to give you, the cash register tells them. errrrrrrrrr

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  2. Great blog... I am now following. Looking forward to reading more of your stuff.
    All the best,
    Kim

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  3. Ok where the fuck is CB? I live in Cali and we have internet EVERYWHERE! I need to go find the skanky slut and pull her off of whatever dick she is trying to suck crack out of.
    Thanks for holding down the fort while she is whoring herself out.

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  4. hahahahaha!

    Well CB is in Cali, I reckon there would be worse places to be but I can't think of any right now. I mean they have Nancy Pelosi. Maybe thats the cause of the problem, it sure hasn't helped the rest of the country I can't imagine how fucked up Ca is.

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  5. CB needs to get back! She is here in my state and still hasn't dropped by!
    She probably does have her laptop and was hoping to see you pick up the slack so she could party more! LMAO!
    Thanks for holding down the fort and whatever asshole who is pissing you off today! LOL

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  6. Dazee they should make it mandatory that all stupid people must go in to the bank.

    Kimberly, thanks!

    Ms C, you are welcome bitch. And, if I knew where CB was, I'd have drug her ass here to do FUFF. This shit takes away from my Corona time dammit!

    Sage, I agree with you. Weather is great there, but I'm not a fan. I think CB could kick the shit out of Pelosi with a cigarette & beer in one hand. Maybe she did meet Pelosi, kicked the shit outta her, and is now so busy with all of the thank you parties California people are throwing in her honor, she can't get to her laptop.

    I agree Amy J, CB should have had her skanky ass here for FUFF. And, you're welcome.

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  7. Oh shut the fuck up, your royal duchess-ness ma'am. We all know you are dead fucking drunk on Corona and tequila!

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  8. You fuck sluts! I'm back hoes!!!!

    EXCUSE the fuck out of me for getting drunk and molesting strangers...

    Sadly no one got their ass kicked... there were several close calls though!

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  9. MissC....guilty as charged. lol

    CB...jesus christ niece skankyface, it's about time you checked in. All hell broke loose while you were out drinking and molesting bitch! I, however, pulled it all together and kept this Royal Goddamn Family afloat. You bitches better start sending thank you xanax and Corona...fast because all of this fucking pressure is killing my buzz.

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  10. Too fucking funny, am I the only one who wold love to break off a peice of that plastic tube and shove it up that hairy fuck at the bank.

    I notice CB showed up she must be sore and need a break from molesting strangers

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  11. Wolf, I would have paid good fucking money to do that to the asshat.

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