First, thank you all for playing FUFF here while CB was away.
As you all know, the Royal Family has been a bit discombobulated the past couple weeks, and quite frankly? I'm fucking exhausted, and that? Leads me to this morning.
This morning, after another fucking night of little sleep, I rolled out of bed, showered, threw on my ratty-ass bathrobe, headed downstairs and opened the garage door to get my newspaper from the driveway because our paper boy throws like a goddamn girl. Guess what? I walked right into.... A FUCKING SPIDER WEB!!!!!
AGHHHH BLOODY FUCKING HELL!!!!!
IT WAS ON ME!!!!!!
There are only two things that scare the hell out of me.
Old people at The Sunday Morning Buffet.... and SPIDERS!!!!! I HATE those bastards!
So I'm flailing my arms, kicking my damn feet, trying to do anything to get this nasty fucking thing off of me.
I'm pretty sure I looked like a white goddamn ninja on crack!!!
Then I think, what would they do on Animal Planet because, doesn't everyone?
STOP, DROP and ROLL!!! (Not a good idea on a cement fucking driveway by the way.)
WHAT??!! Isn't that what you are supposed to fucking do?
Hell, I don't know but at that moment, I'm trying anything.
I even start beating myself with the damn newspaper.
With my fucking neighbors watching me...
Across the street from me is a house newly rented by a missionary family. They like to get up early and go for a walk, pray, part the damn sea, whatever...
I don't think they're used to seeing a 40 something fat lady rolling around on the cement beating herself with a goddamn newspaper wearing nothing but her ratty-ass bathrobe.
In my fucking panic and sleep deprived brain, I thought the spider was "in" my goddamn bathrobe.
What would you do if you thought you had a spider "in" your fucking bathrobe?
That's right asshats, I tore the ratty-ass bathrobe off OKAY???
I'm not ashamed to admit it, dammit.
I think I saw the Missionary Mother from across the street dropped to her knees and started fucking praying.
The other onlookers were laughing.
I only wish I were making this shit up.
So, I casually picked up my paper like nothing was wrong and sprinted like the Ethiopian runner in the goddamn Olympics, back into the house. Of course, I literally bumped into The Duke who was getting ready to leave for work.
It's kind of hard to explain to The Duke why I'm coming into the house with nothing on but the business section of the fucking newspaper.
He gets that look on his face, you know, the one from living with the Dutchess for 14 years, and says..
"Do I even want to know?"
"IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT!!!"
"Where is your robe?"
"You left your robe outside?"
"Yes I did assbag."
"And there's a good reason for leaving your robe outside?"
"Yes, of course there fucking is."
"And that reason would be?"
"I was attacked by Brown Recluse Spiders."
"I think there were three of them bastards, some sort of goddamn gang, they threw me down and tried to bite me. I managed to beat them off with the paper and my robe."
Rolling eyes, "Put some clothes on and go get your robe."
"You go get my robe."
"You want me to go get your robe off the driveway because you're afraid of a spider?"
"Noooooo. I want you to set my motherfucking robe on fire or give it to a fucking homeless person because I'm never wearing that ratty-ass robe again."
"What did you do to those Missionaries across the street?"
"I think they're giving funeral rites to one of the spiders. I may have killed him with the goddamn sports section."
"Tell me again why I married you."
"Because you saw me without my ratty-ass robe on 14 years ago and fucking gave me a standing ovation?"
"Because I complete you? I don't fucking know!!!"
He then turned to leave for work and busted into a fit of gut wrenching, snorting goddamn hysterical, laughter.
I may or may not have threatened to stab him with a meat thermometer in fucking neck.