Saturday, August 7, 2010

Spiders, Exhaustion, and a Ratty-ass Robe

First, thank you all for playing FUFF here while CB was away.

As you all know, the Royal Family has been a bit discombobulated the past couple weeks, and quite frankly? I'm fucking exhausted, and that? Leads me to this morning.

This morning, after another fucking night of little sleep, I rolled out of bed, showered, threw on my ratty-ass bathrobe, headed downstairs and opened the garage door to get my newspaper from the driveway because our paper boy throws like a goddamn girl. Guess what? I walked right into.... A FUCKING SPIDER WEB!!!!!


IT WAS ON ME!!!!!!

There are only two things that scare the hell out of me.

Old people at The Sunday Morning Buffet.... and SPIDERS!!!!! I HATE those bastards!

So I'm flailing my arms, kicking my damn feet, trying to do anything to get this nasty fucking thing off of me.

I'm pretty sure I looked like a white goddamn ninja on crack!!!

Then I think, what would they do on Animal Planet because, doesn't everyone?

STOP, DROP and ROLL!!! (Not a good idea on a cement fucking driveway by the way.)

WHAT??!! Isn't that what you are supposed to fucking do?

Hell, I don't know but at that moment, I'm trying anything.

I even start beating myself with the damn newspaper.

With my fucking neighbors watching me...

Across the street from me is a house newly rented by a missionary family. They like to get up early and go for a walk, pray, part the damn sea, whatever...

I don't think they're used to seeing a 40 something fat lady rolling around on the cement beating herself with a goddamn newspaper wearing nothing but her ratty-ass bathrobe.

In my fucking panic and sleep deprived brain, I thought the spider was "in" my goddamn bathrobe.

What would you do if you thought you had a spider "in" your fucking bathrobe?

That's right asshats, I tore the ratty-ass bathrobe off OKAY???

I'm not ashamed to admit it, dammit.

I think I saw the Missionary Mother from across the street dropped to her knees and started fucking praying.

The other onlookers were laughing.

I only wish I were making this shit up.

So, I casually picked up my paper like nothing was wrong and sprinted like the Ethiopian runner in the goddamn Olympics, back into the house. Of course, I literally bumped into The Duke who was getting ready to leave for work.


It's kind of hard to explain to The Duke why I'm coming into the house with nothing on but the business section of the fucking newspaper.

He gets that look on his face, you know, the one from living with the Dutchess for 14 years, and says..

"Do I even want to know?"


"Where is your robe?"


"You left your robe outside?"

"Yes I did assbag."

"And there's a good reason for leaving your robe outside?"

"Yes, of course there fucking is."

"And that reason would be?"

"I was attacked by Brown Recluse Spiders."


"I think there were three of them bastards, some sort of goddamn gang, they threw me down and tried to bite me. I managed to beat them off with the paper and my robe."

Rolling eyes, "Put some clothes on and go get your robe."

"You go get my robe."

"You want me to go get your robe off the driveway because you're afraid of a spider?"

"Noooooo. I want you to set my motherfucking robe on fire or give it to a fucking homeless person because I'm never wearing that ratty-ass robe again."

"What did you do to those Missionaries across the street?"

"I think they're giving funeral rites to one of the spiders. I may have killed him with the goddamn sports section."

"Tell me again why I married you."

"Because you saw me without my ratty-ass robe on 14 years ago and fucking gave me a standing ovation?"

"Try again."

"Because I complete you? I don't fucking know!!!"

He then turned to leave for work and busted into a fit of gut wrenching, snorting goddamn hysterical, laughter.

I may or may not have threatened to stab him with a meat thermometer in fucking neck.


  1. Is the Duke really that "matter of fact"? If so, you need to whip up a few cocktails and explain that spiders are the devil...also, ratty bathrobes are not good either.

  2. Also, you will need that meat thermometer for the Thanksgiving turkey!

  3. Those spiders are mean! They only run in gangs when it is women because they want us to strip down and give our hubby a good laugh! You know they went back to the web and had a good laugh!

    Those missionaries might move now and maybe Queen can move in across the street! LMAO..scary! Two of you on the same street!

  4. ~Wipes tears from eyes. Tries to remember how to breathe again~
    OMG! Ok so I am one of those people blessed with a vivid imagination, so in this case I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.
    ALSO! I have been bitten by a black widow, them bitches is vicious! And I have been known to strip naked, yes more than once, in public, because I thought one of those fuckers was on me! You have my sympathy.
    Thank you so much for the laugh! My tummy aches, and my husband actually paused the tv to ask me what the hell I was reading and listened to me giggle and snort my way through reading it out loud to him.

  5. I'm sure the missionaries are bathing in holy water becuase of this. Don't be suprised if they come to your door to perform an exorcism.

    The power of christ compels you

  6. Donda, Yes, the Duke is that matter of fact. But in his defense, he has lived with the Mayor of Crazytown for 14 years. He is use to never knowing what his batshit crazy wife will do next.

    Amy J, I just know those bastard spiders are plotting my demise. And, cool as it may be, the Queen and I are legally prohibited from living on the same street. The last neighborhood we lived in never recovered. bunch of no-humor pussies.

    MissC, So glad I could provide the evenings entertainment.

    Wolf, Oh fucking I need to set up the goddamn porch with trip wires. damn missionaries.

  7. I had a sun dress on years ago when I lived on the farm with the King I was driving him home from the field when he pretended to grab a grasshopper and shove it up my skirt..

    Needless to say.. I jumped from a moving s-10..

    Oh yea. he wasn't laughing so damn hard when he was .. trying to keep the truck from going off a 400 foot embankment... and.. trying to see if I'd been run over..

    Imagine his shock, when the Queen stomped right passed his ass..and walked the mile home.. naked as a jay bird...

    no fun stuff for him for quite some time after that little funny!

  8. Why would yo hate on small little spiders? All of gods creatures deserve your love and understanding. You did walk through their house, they didn't attack you, you broke though their house.


  9. I totally saw the visual of those missionaries in prayer mode. omg.

    I think the spiders were out in full force yesterday. Must have been on their damn spider news station to attack.

    I swear I had one on my foot while driving my car home from work. Kept thinking, if there is a goddamn spider on my foot, I'm totally crashing this car. yikes.

  10. Queen, LMAO, I can just see you stomping off. lol served him right!

    Sage...WTF? Duuuuude. They are SPIDERES. They deserve the bottom of my shoe...if I didn't love my shoes.

    Dazee, at the very least I would have pulled over and jumped out of the damn car. I hate fucking spiders.

  11. You are sooo funny! I actually can be a lot of fun to have Jesus Freaks as neighbors. For shits, and giggles, pour some gasoline on your lawn in the shape of a pentagram surrounded by a circle. When they go nuts, tell them "the devil made me do it" What fun!

  12. Mike, I'm afraid they would storm the house and try performing an exorcism on me and that would totally kill my buzz.

  13. I was in stitches after reading this, once I finished laughing my ass off I realized that I am glad I'm not the only one so freaked out by spiders!!