I was soaking in the tub with a huge glass of wine after cooking a huge meal for my kids and my guests (my Mom & her Hubby who just got back from Mexico). I stopped at some point to reflect about the fact that my train of thought is seriously fucking twisted. Here. I’ll show you. This is my thought process, unedited, while bathing tonight:
“Fuck, I’m tired. I wonder what my kids would do if I just stopped feeding them. Would they live on Kool-Aid packets? stale cheetos? Dry macaroni? I bet if they were Ethiopian they could live on damned near anything. They’re so spoiled. I hope they didn’t burn the goddamn cookies.”
“christ on a cracker my tits are huge. People aren’t fucking kidding. I wonder where I get that from? No female in my family has boobs this fucking size. (I grab a ship that my grandson uses for a tub toy) S.S. Minnow, S.S. Minnow, this is the S.S. Boob. Come in, over. We have been torpedoed and are sinking. Requesting assistance. (Moving the boat closer to my tits) Ha! Dumb Fucker! (Shoving the ship under a boob) That’s what you get! Manned by a man, I bet! You have been shipwrecked and there is no return!!”……”Wow. I’m so fucking strange.”
“I bet I could feed an entire goddamn village on these babies. Sally Struthers didn’t just disappear from the radar and not get any more shitty commercials. I bet those fucking kids attacked her nipples and sucked her dry. She’s probably wandering in some village somewhere, all 82 pounds of her. Damn. That’s what I need. A bunch of starving children to suck all the calories out of me. Fuck you, Dr. Adkins.”
“Ick. I need to shave my pussy. I look like I’m harvesting Velcro for fuck sake. I don’t know why it matters. No one wants to see this. My grandmother had twelve children. No wonder she was a fucking hunchback. How do you handle being pregnant for nine goddamn years? I’d kill a motherfucker and build a shrine to that Bobbit chick.”
“I should get out of the tub. I have to pee. I should just pee in here. No, that’s disgusting. Then I’d be stewing in my own pee. That’s just fucking wrong. I’d be like an oyster. Of course, if the Duke is willing to throw some cocktail sauce on me and eat me with wild abandon, I’d be okay with that.”
Now you asshats know. I know that you wish you didn’t, but tough shit, it's my castle. I should make this a weekly thing. Drunken Bathtub moments. Fuck Yeah!
MAYBE I should just stop drinking and allowing myself access to the computer.