Sunday, August 8, 2010

Drunken Reflections From A Bathtub

I was soaking in the tub with a huge glass of wine after cooking a huge meal for my kids and my guests (my Mom & her Hubby who just got back from Mexico). I stopped at some point to reflect about the fact that my train of thought is seriously fucking twisted. Here. I’ll show you. This is my thought process, unedited, while bathing tonight:

“Fuck, I’m tired. I wonder what my kids would do if I just stopped feeding them. Would they live on Kool-Aid packets? stale cheetos? Dry macaroni? I bet if they were Ethiopian they could live on damned near anything. They’re so spoiled. I hope they didn’t burn the goddamn cookies.”

“christ on a cracker my tits are huge. People aren’t fucking kidding. I wonder where I get that from? No female in my family has boobs this fucking size. (I grab a ship that my grandson uses for a tub toy) S.S. Minnow, S.S. Minnow, this is the S.S. Boob. Come in, over. We have been torpedoed and are sinking. Requesting assistance. (Moving the boat closer to my tits) Ha! Dumb Fucker! (Shoving the ship under a boob) That’s what you get! Manned by a man, I bet! You have been shipwrecked and there is no return!!”……”Wow. I’m so fucking strange.”

“I bet I could feed an entire goddamn village on these babies. Sally Struthers didn’t just disappear from the radar and not get any more shitty commercials. I bet those fucking kids attacked her nipples and sucked her dry. She’s probably wandering in some village somewhere, all 82 pounds of her. Damn. That’s what I need. A bunch of starving children to suck all the calories out of me. Fuck you, Dr. Adkins.”

“Ick. I need to shave my pussy. I look like I’m harvesting Velcro for fuck sake. I don’t know why it matters. No one wants to see this. My grandmother had twelve children. No wonder she was a fucking hunchback. How do you handle being pregnant for nine goddamn years? I’d kill a motherfucker and build a shrine to that Bobbit chick.”

“I should get out of the tub. I have to pee. I should just pee in here. No, that’s disgusting. Then I’d be stewing in my own pee. That’s just fucking wrong. I’d be like an oyster. Of course, if the Duke is willing to throw some cocktail sauce on me and eat me with wild abandon, I’d be okay with that.”

Now you asshats know. I know that you wish you didn’t, but tough shit, it's my castle. I should make this a weekly thing. Drunken Bathtub moments. Fuck Yeah!

MAYBE I should just stop drinking and allowing myself access to the computer.

15 comments:

  1. *peed* (in the tub)... not really, but only because I'm afraid I'll electricute myself if I set the desktop up on the edge of my bathtub! LMAO!! That was frigging great!!

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  2. God, that was great. Its a definite yes from me on the drunken tub moments.

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  3. Doesn't everyone have thoughts like that? Well I mean I never think of shaving my pussy but I often wonder about the size of my boobs/moobs. They are pretty damn enormous.

    Good stuff!

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  4. Very twisted thoughts. Very funny thoughts. I probably should have been twisted when I read this, then it all would have made sense.

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  5. I think you should make drunken bathtub shit a weekly thing.. and you should make everyone do it... I have some strange thoughts in the tub.. mostly about the damn pussy shaver thing.. but they are scary thoughts sometimes.. i'd play along..

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  6. Love your blog! Never give up your bathtub bottle of wine...

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  7. Mother Hell! How much wine did you have anyways?? Crackin' me up!!

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  8. Yup I agree random musing from tub soakers would be great

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  9. LMFAO!! Yes this needs to be a weekly thing on your blog! I would even join in on this shit!
    You always give me a laugh I need for the day!

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  10. That was fucking hilarious, totally do this ever week. Don't worry about you're thougts being twisted the shit I think up when I'm sober in the shower. Fuck if I was drunk in a tub that would be really fucked up.

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  11. Oh how i value honesty...and TMI or not, it was fucken hilarious. Your mind is a wonderful thing!

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  12. Thank you PWT. Wireless is the answer to no electrocution.

    Dazee, thank you. Maybe I will do this everyweek.

    Sage, moobs lmao.

    Mike honey, it's always a good rule of thumb to get twisted before coming here. ;)

    Queenie, I'll hold you to that.

    Thanks Lass, and I'll never give up my bathtime bottle of wine. It's the only tome I don't have to share.

    Donda, I had enough to talk about my pussy shaving habits. That may be the too much line.

    Thank you Jo, it seems to be the consenus.

    Glad to be of service Amyj, I'm going to hold you to that playing along thing too.

    Wolf, thank you.

    Sandra, I totally think you are awsome. No one ever said my mind was wonderful.

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  13. OMG! I peed my pants just reading your post. LMAO. I can't stop laughing. I have to go change my pants now. Thanks for that.

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  14. Drunkin' bathtub moments. Make it a weekly you bitch. I tried to pee in the tub but just couldn't. Your liquor bath thoughts are the same as my morning thoughts. I will try to morning blog. You may need a bloody mary or mimosa just to understand it. Kisses

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  15. You crack me up, I laughed the whole time reading this post! Glad I'm not the only one that thinks of weird shit while soaking in the tub haha. Definitely following your blog.

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