Monday, August 9, 2010

Merlot, Menopose, and A Moustache

As I sit here drinking some Merlot, eating chocolate covered almonds and picking at the goddamn hair growing out of my chin, it occurs to me that it really fucking bites that we don't get to choose our gender.

I am apparently going through some sort of fucking menopause, 'tread softly around me lest I claw your motherfucking nuts off' type physical & mental thing.

While shopping with my Mom and Aunt at this cute little boutique, I tried on a few things. Then I do what I always do, get close to the mirror. I was squinting and trying to see if the mutant fucking hair had re-appeared on my chin. It's been sprouting there for about a year now. It used to be funny when I would go cavorting through the house on all fours, doing my best billy-goat impression. Now, a year later, the shit's not funny anymore. It won't go the hell away. (We won't even TALK about the how I'm finding more and nore white hairs in my eyebrows).

Satisfied that the hair was dormant for the time being, I began to move away from the mirror when I saw something even. more. horrifying. Some of the hair on my fucking upper lip had gone from pretty invisible to fucking black. Only three or four, but, whatever! That constitutes a motherfucking moustache to me, assbags.

I ran wildly from the store (yes, I left my purse in the dressing room. A MOUSTACHE IS GROWING ON MY FACE, FOR FUCKS SAKE) and launched myself out of the door and into the fucking SUV before someone could see me.

My mother and my aunt stopped talking and looked at me with mild interest. No one who knows me is surprised by much anymore. I'm sure they initially thought I fucking robbed the joint. They slowly followed and once in the SUV I turned to my Mom.

"Mom. What the effin' hell is this?" I leaned over and put my face within millimeters of hers. I jabbed a finger accusingly at the offending hair.

"What? Oh. Yeah, that happened to me when I was about your age, too." She turned back to my Aunt. "Didn't you have that problem? You know, with the hair?"

"Oh, yeah, but mine started when I was about twenty one or so." She's nodding her head and they're looking at each other like I'm talking about a goddamn pimple and not my impending metamorphosis into a hairy man. What. The. Hell.

"I have a fucking moustache. A FUCKING MOUSTACHE. Why did you do this to me? It's hereditary, isn't it?" I wrenched the rear view mirror around and stared, bug eyed, at the hair again.

"Dutchess, watch your mouth. It's just some damn hair. Do like I do. Wax it."

Aunt piped in. "Oh, that gets tiresome. Just shave the damn thing."

I looked at her like she had just suggested I slice off my goddamn nipples and throw them around like miniature fucking Frisbees.

"Shave it? Woman, get something straight. I shave my legs, I shave my pits, I have even been known to shave my no-no holes, but I DO NOT SHAVE MY SON-OF-A-BITCHING FACE. I am not a man and I will not just accept the fact that I'm turning into one."

My mom is still disinterested in my crisis. "Where is your purse?"

"It's in the damn dressing room."

"You left it in there?"

"Do you see my goddamn face? Do you? Can we get back to this, for fuck sake...please?"

"Oh, good Lord. You think that's bad, wait till it starts sprouting out of your nipples."

After I cocked an eyebrow at her in sheer horror and then realized she was serious, I immediately left the car, walked into the adjacent store and bought three bottles of the best of Merlot (aka: one with the highest alcohol content) I could find.

Later that evening, the family just gave me a wide berth as I drank straight from the damn bottle, lamented about hairy nipples and hit everyone up for a donation for full fucking body electrolysis.

I have $82 of the estimated $8,000 it will take. Feel free to donate.


  1. I've got a similar hair that grows on the side of my face. A one-hair sideburn for fucks sake. This getting old fucking sucks dick.

  2. You've gotta love mothers and they're oh so helpful suggestions.

  3. I hate that one freaking stray hair growing under my chin!!!!!!

  4. damn next you will need your back waxed.

    Glad to know about the shaving though, whew, its tough on me to think of chicks being Chewbacca like.

  5. I feel your pain! I have a few of those too. Plus, if you saw my post, you will notice that I discovered my nose hairs are getting longer than my nose! I feel like we hit a certain age, and we turn into big foot!

  6. Too funny! Thanks for talking about... let's "face" it, a serious subject, that sucks the living life out of all of us 40-something-year-old women. I really don't understand what's going on with my body. I hardly ever need to shave my legs anymore -- I think the hair rerouted itself to my NOSE and my upper lip. (Try plucking nose hair - Mother of God, it hurts!)

    Oh, at 43, I'm soooo sexy...

  7. What a drag it is getting old. My wife has got the air conditioner cranked to 55 for her hot flashes. She is comfortable while I am freezing my ass off, and dodging snow flakes when I get ready for work in the morning. I am thinking about trading her in for a (much) younger version. One that won't be going through menopause until I'm dead.

  8. Since I fall into the same category as your Aunt, having dealt with the problem since my twenties... I'm telling you right now, suck it up and use a razor. Oh sure, plucking seems so much more 'lady like' and definately falls into the 'beauty is pain' category. But seriously... it's only going to piss you off when you have to pluck more and more of them. And lets face it... there is no 'classy' way to handle this matter. It's a fucking nasty face hair (or 20) just get it off your face as fast as you can so you can walk outside without having the urge to eat a tin can and bleat like a goat!

  9. Shut the hell up.. I 'm ten years older than you.. I had a hysterectomy in 95... I shave my whole damn body.... cry me a river bitch.. Now.. pass the damn wine!

  10. Agreed, Lass

    That is what they same Jennifer. I;m just in it for the inheritence.

    Dazee, me too.

    Stick around Sage, there is much to learn about us chicks.

    Amy J, long nose hair sucks.

    Kj, plucking nose hair? Girl, you must have some good drugs.

    Oh Mike, trading us old bitches for new younger whores always seems like a good idea. Until you realize than now YOU are the one in the relationship that starts worrying about a little gut, a sagging chin, and a receeding hairline.

    You don't even want to know about what you will have to do to keep up with 22 Ima Hoe as far as stamina goes. With in 3 years you will be broke. And, if she doesn't trade you in because 23 year olds are fickle, ya know, you will look in the mirror and see your Hair Club for men hair NOT blowing in the wind, your perpetual jokeresque smile because you'd had 1 too many botox shots to hide the lines on your goddamn face, you will look ridiculose in your skinny jeans, wife beater and plaid untucked shirt because "all the dudes dress that way", standing in front of a red corvette that you bought because you wanted to impress and look sexy.

    Stay with your wife. We already know you, and as long as you keep paying the bills, you'll keep getting lucky on a regular basis...even without your Hair Club for Men hair.

    PWT, I think you may be right. fuck

    Queen, bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Here is your wine.

  11. I call these my witchy hairs. And since this aging thing also involves losing your sight as well, I just wish someone would pluck out the offending hair or at the very least, point it out to me.

  12. Duchess, I still have (almost) all of my hair, the wrinkles I'll have to live with. lol

  13. Hey it could be worse.....there could be hair growing out of your ass :)

  14. Dutchess.. go see my blog.. Royal family needs to send love.. and links... we've been called to action..