Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Munchies and A Burnt Nipple

You want to know the story behind that title, huh? Well...

I have had no Internet for 2 1/2 goddamn days. That makes me all stabby with idle hands. You know what they say about idle hands, right?

Idle hands means my fucking brain has no outlet. No outlet, no Internet and idle hands means you have to smoke more doobies. More doobies means the goddamn munchies.

It was 1:00AM, and I was hungry.

Inside my head my brain was saying to me…

“You should probably have some fruit Dutchess, maybe a carrot or. Think of your Caribbean vacation and your bathing suit....and for fuck sake, think of Barbie the Torturer!”

Inside my body, my traitor asshole stomach was saying…

“Bitch please. Fruit? Carrots? Come on you can’t eat that shit and Barbie? I can snap that tiny pencil over my fucking knee.

I decided I would eat a tiny little personal pizza. Fuck you, don't judge me.

I get the pizza out of the freezer.

Did I mention it is 1:00AM? Everyone is sleeping, so I was trying to be quiet. Did you ever notice how when you’re trying to be quiet you fucking squeak?

I squeak goddamn it.

I was like the fucking Tin Man. Where the hell was that noise inside my asshole body coming from? I think I need looser goddamn underwear.

I don’t turn on the lights. I don’t want to wake up the Duke.

You don’t want to wake his ass after midnight because the last thing he’s going to turn into is a fucking pumpkin.

I figure I’ll just work with the light from the freezer.

You know nuking pizza after midnight with just the light from the freezer and the microwave is actually kind of warm and fuzzy.

Normally, I use the regular oven. The microwave just doesn't do it for me. But, I had the munchies and speed was important.

I didn’t read the stupid fucking directions. It was dark, I was stoned. I figure it’s frozen; five minutes should be about right.

Fuck me, I should have known better.

With each personal pizza is some kind of magic box that you set the pizza on in the microwave. Guess what happens after five minutes?

This magical box turns the goddamn cheese on the pizza into lava.

I’ve seen lava on Tv.

I know lava bitches.

That shit was lava.

So I’m staring at the bubbling lava through the window on the microwave waiting for the fucker to be done.

The one thing I hadn’t remembered was the “beep”.

My goddamn microwave beeps. Three times when whatever you’re cooking is done. It’s a loud beep. A really loud fucking beep.

10, 9, 8, ooey gooey cheese 7, 6, oh baby here it comes, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, BEEP… BEE….. SON OF A BITCH!!!!!

I grab the microwave door and yank it open to stop the goddamn beep! I don’t know why I thought I needed to grab the fucking pizza and yank it out of the microwave at the same goddamn time.

Have you ever touched lava motherfuckers?

I have.

Picture a middle aged overweight Dutchess standing in the kitchen ,in the dark, with her hands in molten fucking pizza lava.

My survival mode kicked in and I pulled back from the pizza of motherfucking death.

The assbag wouldn’t let go.

It was now melted to my right fucking thumb and index finger.

The whole thing seemed to be happening in slow fucking motion. The pizza was flying through the air towards me. I used my mad Ninja skillz and fucking ducked. Why? Because it was dark and I didn’t want the lava to hit me in the goddamn face, duh!

Well the fucking pizza wasn’t going anywhere. It was now a part of my hand, the hand that was coming right at my goddamn body.

The pizza landed lava side up on my right tit. I had burning molten motherfucking lava pizza cheese on my right nipple.

I was wearing my pajamas so it wasn’t direct lava on nipple hit, but let me tell you asshats something, it wasn’t much fucking different. At this point I knock the evil lava pizza of motherfucking death to the goddamn floor. I have lava pizza on the floor and a burnt fucking nipple.

I mean a really burnt fucking nipple.

Well what the hell do you do when you have a burn?

You put ice on it, right?


Because the last thing you want is a blistered fucking nipple.

So I whip off my fucking top and drop it on the floor. I go to the freezer and get an ice cube and put it on my nipple.

You know how timing is every-fucking-thing?

All of a sudden the kitchen light pops on and guess who is looking at his wife putting an ice cube on her nipple in the fucking kitchen, in the dark, with her shirt and a pizza stuck to the goddamn floor?

You guessed it.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Umm..Putting ice on my nipple. What the hell does it look like I’m doing? You’re always fucking questioning me!”


“Uh… I burnt my nipple.”


“I didn’t want a goddamn blistered nipple.”

“How the fuck did you burn your nipple at 1:00 in the morning??? Better yet why did you burn your nipple at all??? Who burns their godamn nipple???

“I don't fucking know! I was trying to make pizza in the goddamn microwave. I was trying to be quiet and not wake your damn ass up.”

“Uh huh…. That worked well. Is that your pizza’s on the floor?”

“No. That is the molten lava pizza of motherfucking death.”

“What the hell is wrong with you Dutchess? Why didn't you have an apple for Christ’s sake.”


"Don't say it Duke Assface, or I will cut your fucking ass."


  1. Jesus girl. I can't be laughing my ass off in my office. People wonder.

    Can I please be your sex slave. You are my ultimate hero.

  2. LMFAO I know the lava on your hand feelin, never experienced on the nip..ouch!

  3. I had a similar incident with a jam doughnut that I blitzed in the mirowave and landed up with a burnt tongue and a huge fucking oozing blister on my lips and chin. Explain that story to your boss the next day.

  4. Luckily I have never burnt my nipple! Thats gotta hurt.

  5. OMG! Can't stop laughing. My fucking dog is looking at me like I have lost my fucking mind!!
    I needed that laugh today, sorry it took pain on your part to do it! LMAO

  6. The Scottish poet Robt. Burns once wrote "the greatest schemes of mice and men often get fucked up" or something like that. Your scheme to have pizza instead of fruit, your scheme not to wake up the duke...all fucked up. With a burned nipple to boot. I think a burnt nipple is better than a burnt weenie. lol

  7. I'm not paying for this. I don't care.. you were not on the clock.. it was not for a john.. and I'm not paying for it.. Don't even try... I do not have time for these injuries, unless it's something for a paying John.

    Now,, if you are burning your nipple for a paying John.. it's covered under our insurance..

    Think.. Think woman... had you made this about a John.. I would have paid for the damn Ice cube.. and pry the pizza replacement.. cause I'm a great boss..

  8. I couldn't help but laugh my ass off at that! I hope I never have to deal with any molten lava pizza of death!!

  9. Let people wonder. Fuck them. Sex slave, huh? Well Dazee, maybe we can work something out.

    crisc23, count yourself lucky. Molten lava and nipples are not a good combo.

    Daft Scots, a hot jelly donut? hmmmm *goes to check out pantry*

    Sage sweetie, you have no fucking idea. Lucky bastard. I wish I didn't.

    Dame Amy, glad I could help you out. Now, don't forget to tip.

    I don't know Mike, I kinda like burnt weenies. Ketchup, hold the mustard please.

    Sis, you are a great boss, but fuck. we have GOT to work on your interpersonal skills. LMAO

    McKenzie, I hope you don't either.

  10. I should give all my words to you. You put them together in the most perfect way. I am seriously amazed, every time I read you.

    On a not-so-serious note; you should not cover a burn. I suggest you wear you "cut-out" bra. (check the Fredericks of Hollywood catalog)