Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Bat-Shit Crazy Magnet

Every Tuesday morning my friend and I go to Starbucks together. I bring my knitting, (Yes I do asshats. The Dutchess has an assload of talents you don't know about. Suck It!) order our drinks and then sit around in the outside patio for an hour or so knitting and gossiping.

What makes this whole outing a fucking barrel of goddamn monkeys, is all of the motherfucking crazies who are out and about nearly every time we go!

Now, you all know that I’m totally used to this. I’m a bat-shit crazy magnet. There is something about me that seems to draw every fucking whack job within a 20 mile radius right to me.

I’m not shitting you. If there is some homeless mumbling weirdo around? It’s me he walks up to. Apparently, I bring out the motherfucking crazy in people.

Once I had a mentally challenged guy of about 18 or 20 grab double fistfuls of the front of my shirt and screech “BOOBIES!” while he yanked to and fro.

HA! No one is immune to my charm and beauty.

Last week we had this homeless guy (who smelled so fucking bad, kinda like rotten fucking fruit and it was making my goddamn eyes water), pull up a chair and sit down at our table! My friend jumped up so fast she knocked her chair over and totally fucking abandoned me! She went running inside and just left me sitting outside with Mr. Fucking Stinky Man!

I didn’t know what to do, I mean, homeless folks have feelings too goddammit. And it seemed to me that my dear friend over-reacted just a tad. So I smiled at him and said ‘Hi!”

He just sat there. He didn’t talk, he didn’t look at me, nothing. He just sat there funking up the goddamn air. If he were a fucking cartoon character he would have had those wavy stink lines and flies buzzing over his damn head.

So, I did what I thought any reasonable person would do. I just sat there, knitting and trying not to throw up until he got up and wandered away.
What the fuck?

Today, we were sitting there knitting away when this man walked by and then stopped short, doubled back and then just stared at us for a good 20 seconds before he went inside and got his coffee. THE HELL?

When he came out he stopped in front of our table and said Lets ROLL! and without even waiting for a response he fucking walked away from us.

My friend is laughing her ass off, and I'm trying to figure out what in the hell is going on around here. Is everyone on fucking drugs or is Starbucks slipping shit in the coffee?

Although, I wish he had slowed down a little though, because it just so happened that he climbed into this giant fucking cement truck and drove away.

A motherfucking cement truck!

I totally would have rolled with him!


  1. Free Cement??? Oh shit.. never turn down free cement... is your fucking friend crazy? Cement shoes are NOT cheap... we go through more cement shoes than Cb goes through panties..

  2. "She thinks my cement truck's sexy!! It really turns her on!"
    LOL Don't ask me why...it just popped into my head!
    Crazies like me too. I started handing them religious pamphlets...then they think I'm the crazy one!!!

  3. Let's roll??? Did he want to chase your ball of yarn? Your stories baffle me, lady...and make me LOL

  4. It is easy to see you have a big heart. Maybe that's why love starved people are attracted to you. I heart you and your writing.

  5. A construction worker saying "Let's roll?" I would have dropped my knitting needles and ran away with ole' Bob the Builder.

  6. Queen, I know, right?

    MissC, I love Kenny Chesney.

    Donda, if my stories baffle you, you are not drunk enough. lol

    Mike, thank you and I heart you too.

    Middle, Bob the Builder..HA!