Monday, September 13, 2010

Chocolate and Bullshit

I have a sweet tooth, especially when I'm out of Jim Beam emotionally upset. So, my question is this.

Is it possible to consume so many Hershey Kisses that you accidentally poison yourself due to the fucked up mid-quality chocolate they are made of?

Is 483 too many?

Is it a bad sign that the Duke's head now has a little point with a goddamn paper streamer sticking out the top?

Is there a fucking cure?

Anyway...

Everyone embellishes, stretches the truth, fibs a little. It’s part of human nature. We can’t escape it. And sometimes it’s necessary. There is a time and a place for brutal truth, and appropriate reasons to blur it. However, the level of bullshit that we encounter in our daily adult lives is fucking staggering.

Even though I totally appreciate it when anyone is trying to make me feel better with well-intentioned assvice, I sincerely wish they’d save the tired fucking cliches for someone who’s less hostile.

There are some sayings that just make me want to beat the hell out of people with a flaming fucking 2 by 4. Such as...

Age doesn't matter, you can do anything you set your mind to.
One of the biggest goddamn lies ever told to anyone in the history of the motherfucking world. I mean come on. You can not!

I'm never going to be a defensive tackle for the Bears. (Damn, I love those shiny fucking pants). I can't become a trapeze artist. Besides the fact I'd have to work with fucking clowns, you know I'd fall and kill myself. And I'm sure as fuck never going to be President. The pay sucks and I already have a million fucking people who don’t like me, I don’t need whole countries trying to bomb my ass.

You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Oh yea? Tell that to the guy with the rattlesnake happily sharing his fucking sleeping bag. What a load of shit. Thanks for trying to convince me that spiders can be useful, and I just need to face my fear. But...Fuck. You. I don't need to face anything, I don't need to get over my goddamn fear either. I need to take prescription medication and mix it with alcohol, fuckstick.

It's just going to be a little pinch.
Bull-fucking-shit! Little pinch my ass. Why don't I take that gleaming needle and plunge it into the soft part of your fucking gum and we'll see if it feels like a little pinch. Lying whore.

It's not you its me.
Ha-Ha motherfucker! It's SO you.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.
What a crock of shit. Everybody wants the fucking dirt. We love gossip. The dirty fucking details and the sordid secrets. Most people lick their lips with anticipation when being let in on the juicy fucking secret. That's why I prefer "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me"! Now there's a fucking cliche I can get behind.

Now, speaking of lies and dirty secrets, it's time for a couple ice cold Coronas and the season premiere of 90210...Fuck you, don't judge me.

12 comments:

  1. ha ha.. here's a little pinch for you!!

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  2. I especially hate it when a ob/gyn says, this will just hurt a little while he sticking his whole fucking hand up your cooch to move a little hand that decided it wanted to be the first thing born. yeah, that just hurts a fucking little!!!!!! I wanted to ask his ass if I stuck a ice pick in his eye if that just hurt a little.

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  3. You could always order some awesome fudge from me! Then you will be gorging on tasty stuff! www.etsy.com/rock/mami

    I love to gossip and be mean hahahaha

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  4. Yeah I hate those fucking sayings too their all bullshit, usually just like the anal taster who spits them at you..........fuck them they suck.

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  5. The Dentist lie is killer, because it's universal. They must learn that in dental school, that it's better to lie and say it will pinch a bit than to say, "Listen, this is going to hurt like a mofo and you're going to have those armrests in a deathgrip."

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  6. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." I would have to be a fucking mime. And, Rainman did ya really count the kisses? LOL

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  7. "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me"...OH HELL YEAH GIRL! The Queen will have to come pick us up from jail because we will be sitting side by side talking shit about the people and their crappy clothes in there!

    Hershey kisses reminds me of piles of dog shit. So if the Duke is starting to look like one, I ain't saying anything nice! He looks like shit!

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  8. Queen, now THAT is the kinda pinch I need. I heart your face.

    Dazee...just....OUCH motherfucker!

    Babes, I just may have to do that.

    Wolf, "anal taster: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

    Bluzdude, I know, right?!

    Donda, "a fucking mime" cracked me the hell up! And, yes, I counted. I thought knowing quantity would come in handy when I had to call the poison control center.

    Dame Amy, I've never seen dog shit with a paper flag coming out of the top. The Queen wouldn't be able to come get us. She'd be right there with us.

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  9. Dutchess, I bet there are a lot of guys who want to pinch you. Sounds like you need some security.

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  10. Mike, you make me blush...or maybe it's just one of my hot flashes. Howeverm the Queen has decided the same thing about security. Go check her post out,

    Thanks MLS.

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  11. I did that's why I mentioned it m'lady.

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