Sunday, September 26, 2010

Security and a Bathtub With Wine

First of all, congrats to the new Royal Security Detail . You are now one of the few, the proud, the keepers of the drunken castle. Good on ya.

Second, one of our Security Team is writing a diary on her Royal Experience. Do not miss this, go HERE NOW for a peek into our world as Donda sees it.

Finally, let's move along to what you've come here for...

"I'm fucking tired. I wonder what this family would do if I just stayed in here...forever. Would they worry? Knock on the door? Call out my name, beg me to come out because they can not imagine life without their beloved family matriarch? HA! I've had way too much wine and must be fucking delusional."

Maybe for the next few days I will only shout "Let them eat cupcakes!" no matter what is said to me. Unless it's the Duke, to whom I am only going to say, "Eat Me!...Mmm cupcakes. I love cupcakes. May as well Spackle a giant cupcake to my goddamn ass because that's where it will eventually end up." Speaking of cake...Why is vanilla ice cream white, but a vanilla beans and vanilla extract are brown?"

What the fuck is wrong with my sister in-law? She is always saying "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart." All I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

While driving yesterday there was an asshole in a BMW swerving, honking, riding my ass and the car next to me on the highway. I fucking hate dicksticks like that. But, I loved the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars and I teamed up to prevent the dickstick from cutting in at the front. I was fist pumping the air yelling "Stay strong, brothers!" Then, a block from home I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... thanks Mario Kart....assholes.

I hate to miss a call by the last ring. I'm all, "Hello? Hello? Dammit!", but when I immediately call back, why the fuck does it ring nine times and then go to voicemail? After I didn't answer did they drop the goddamn phone and run away?

It's been chilly here. I fucking hate being cold, and hate the thought of winter being so damn close so I decided to protest winter, I haven't shaved my legs in a couple weeks. Oh fuck you, and shut up the hell up. I've been married over 10 years, and a blow job or a 4 minute fuck doesn't require smooth legs.

However, I want a little sumpin' sumpin' from the Duke later, so I shaved my legs. Holy fuck y'all. I went through two damn blades and my tub now looks like someone sheared a fucking Yeti in here.

On that note, it's time to wrap this up.

But before I go, I want to tell you that I'm getting pretty fucking lonely in this tub. Next week, I am making this a Drunken Bathtub Orgy. That's right fuckers, I am going to pay someone to make a drunken reflection clicky button, and then I'm putting a Mr. linky thing up. You all had better play along.

You come here and ogle my drunken reflections every motherfucking week. Now it's time to grab some booze, drop your drawers and get in the fucking bathtub. C'mon, show the Dutchess what you got. Next here or I will hunt your motherfucking ass down be square.


  1. I'm not allowed in the tub long enough to fucking write a blog post, let alone write something witty and fucking awesome. My two young girls don't allow me that opportunity without needing to pee or wash their hands or come and chat to mum in the tub.

    Little Fuckers!

  2. My kids do the phone thing with drives me bonkers! Kinda scared to do the drunken tub thing, last time that happened I hopped out pregnant! Thanks for the shout out :)

  3. Your first pumping made me pee. I'm at work. Thanks.

  4. So your bath tub looks like you shaved a yeti in it? Ha ha ha too much! Here in Fla we're not worried about winter coming, we are still dodging hurricanes.

  5. Don't you know that hair on the legs is great insulation during the winter!

    I will participate in this shit next time. But instead of boobie pondering and boobie floats, mine will be buddah belly rubs and buddah belly islands! LMAO

  6. Lass, one word for you...benadryl.

    Donda, holy fuck. Do your kids look like a soap dish?

    Brat, I really need to put up a pee and spew warning for this blog.

    Mike, I LOVE me a good hurricane!

    Dame Penis, buddah island...hahahaha...can't wait.