Friday, September 24, 2010

BSF ~ In Da Hood, Yo!

Ok hookers, it's time for Blog Stalk Friday. Go check out CB and the rules of BSF, then play and link up.
One Crazy Brunette Chick

With housing prices at an all time low, there has been many neighbors come and go in the past year. If you have been reading me, you already know about the house across the street. That is where the Missionary family lives and prays for my eternal soul on a daily basis. Poor fools.

In the next house over, the Rednecks reside. The house on the corner is where you can find the Gangsta Thugs and, a migrating tribe of illegal immigrants calls the third house from the left their casa.

Some days, I sit outside with a beer and a smile just to watch the unbelievable shit that happens.

With the turnover in neighbors, people have stolen my damn welcome mat, a small, portable barbecue grill, flowers from my flower garden and an ugly little garden gnome.

The gnome was just a test subject to see how far a thief would go. It worked out for him, though. Now that little gnome bastard is doing commercials and traveling the goddamn world. He never writes though, the ungrateful little fuck.

A new family moved in right next door. The Neighborhood Welcoming Committees were out, as expected, to watch and welcome the newcomers to our little hood family.

I took my Corona to the porch and sat down to check things out. I was merely curious as to whether I was going to have clowns to the left of me as I already have Jokers to the right. (HA!)

They had one child who appeared to be about seven or eight. Well fuck, I do not need another snot nosed kid knocking at my door at asscrack:30 asking if I want to buy fucking girl scout cookies, wrapping paper, fake Rolex's, and other wares.

I turned my attention to the goings-on of the Committees who were judging the new peeps. It went like this:

Rednecks walked over first. They were just looking for a Jimmy Johnson logo so they could have a right-quick beat down in the driveway.

I would love to see this. It would be a tangle of "sumbitchs, "gawdamm asshowulls," mullets and homemade tattoos. I'm sure the men would just stand back, watch and smoke.

They will also listen for tidbits of conversation from new people and then expand on that shit until the rumor is flying that the new neighbors are fucking goats and having blood orgies.

The Gangsta Thugs just hang around wanting to see if they have any good shit to steal. They also want to see what they drive. If it's more fly than their '97 Impala, they will not hesitate to sell a fucking child or pimp their hos so they can buy more bling and bigger rims just to show you who's the better Pimp.

The Husband of the people moving next door went to his normal, non blinged truck and pulled out a large, slobbering Pit Bull. He moved slowly toward the house, trying to control the beast. The Gangsta Committee adjourned in a goddamned hurry.

The Fiesta Family came next. At any given time, you can hear the chatter of illegal aliens. They are migratory farm workers and will change out families every three months. They have the one of the larger houses on the fucking block and are content just to stand in the driveway and watch you move in. If you are female and alone, lawd help you.

They have their own special alerts for getting the attention of the rest of the males in the family. One minute there will be one harmless looking Hispanic dude standing there in a wife-beater, rubbing his goatee and estimating how many bambinos you can squeeze through your hips.

The next thing you know, it's like something straight out motherfucking La Bamba. They magically appear from out of nowhere. I think there are a LOT of tired pussies in that house.

Once they realized that the woman next door is married, they vanished. Only the posse of dirty, disheveled children remained.

Since then, I have become more and more convinced that the new people are hiding another child over there. There is always loud running, thumping, screaming, and crying, coming from their side of the fence. I thought there was no way a child that age could act so fucking spastic.

I seriously debated calling the police once, because I thought they were beating a toddler one morning. This kid screamed, and I do mean screamed like he was being fucking killed, for an hour.

I would hear him/her screaming and then hear various thumps and then silence. It would be quiet for two to three minutes and then the running and screaming would begin again.

I thought one of two things was happening: someone was beating the poor kid to death or the pit bull had fucking gone rabid, eaten the godamn parents and was now going for the baby. I drank a bottle of good wine, put on my big girl panties and went next door.

I found out that there is only one kid, and he is not being abused. He is simply possessed by every motherfucking demon in the 7th Circle of Hell.

His idiot parents are a couple of pussies who don't believe in the age old tradition of "exorcising" the demons by beating the shit out of the little asshole. Apparently, this is his "normal" temper tantrum.

So I say a big fuck you to the new neighbors. You are raising just what this goddamn world needs, another self centered, self entitled, spoiled rotten, I want my own way, useless waste of space asshole. Congratulations.

I think it's tome to get drunk and give my foam air assault riffle a little work out.

Have a good weekend, and I'll see you fuckers on Sunday for my weekly Drunken Reflections From A Bathtub.


  1. I swear you live in my apt complex!
    And One of these days I will be joining you with my own Drunken Confessions from the bath tub!!!
    i thin of great ones when I am in there, but then i forget them when I sober up.

  2. Sounds like my street. I still don't have new neighbors next door since the Cuban Cartel moved out. Hopefully, it will stay that way.

  3. I am lucky to have pretty good neighbors even if 3/4 of them speak Spanish. Much love to you Dutchess, you are one funny woman.

  4. all I have to say is...fucking Mexicans!!!

  5. Well shit. Now I have to tell my 5 year old daughter that Aunt Dutchess doesn't want no fucking candles, wrapping paper or candy bars!

    At least you don't have a fucking baby goat next door, a rooster on the other side and fucking dog on the roof across the street at the illegals house like I do!

  6. All I can say is,...I could read you all day long. You are simply the best. I hope you have as much pleasure in life as you have given me by writing these posts.