A Box of Wine, The Flu and A Drunken Dutchess

Welcome to the Halloween Edition of


I love Halloween. It's the one time of year you get to dress outrageously hooker-ish, get tanked, and eat candy until your teeth fall out.

Ok, ok, asshats. It's the one time a year outside of the Royal castle, you can dress outrageously hooker-ish, get tanked and eat candy until your teeth fall out.

However, Halloween 2010 was not one for the record books. Here are a few highlights from the Dutchess' Halloween Debacle 2010.

Bad wine - It started last night at friend's Halloween pre-party. You know, the house drinks you have before going to the real party. She had some cheap ass bottles of wine, but I'm all about cheap wine, so I decided, what the hell. I don't know what the fuck it was, but the damn bottle had a penguin on the label. That should have been my first warning. Penguins are not found in Napa Valley, or the South of France. I don't think the Hostess was amused when I kept giggling and telling her to "pour me some more of that Ripple!"

Five inch heels - Super cute...Super fucking stupid for a drunken Dutchess at a rockin' bar crammed with people and stairs in the most fucked up places. The bonus was a quick hoo-ha shot after tumbling off the fuckers as I was stepping down from the dance floor.

Stress - the Duke is determined to see how long it takes me, after a thousand fucking phone calls when I'm out for "Girls Night", to go fucking sniper and mow everyone down with a goddamn Uzi. I've developed a tic in my face, for fuck's sake.

Anger - Someone did a really shitty thing to my bestie. I will be calling the relatives in the bayou to perform some bad ass gris-gris on the offender, mark my words. I hope all your children have extra appendages, you fuckstick.


The goddamn flu - I woke up this morning and started throwing up. My bowels were jealous of the attention that my esophagus was getting, so they decided to get in on the action. I felt wretched and everything that wasn't nailed down was coming out one end or the other. Now, I know this is far more information than anyone truly needs, but you have to know how dismal my situation is to truly appreciate the fact I'm here writing for you all.

I'm pretty sure that while I was on my knees yakking, I was anally raped by some fucking ass pirate with a goddamn penis that was on fire. For the first time in my life, I'm considering buying Tucks Medicated Pads for my pissed off no-no hole.

I need a vacation...and some ointment.