Friday, October 8, 2010

BSF and A Raccoon

It's time for Blog Stalk Friday.

Today's fuck you is to the giant man eating raccoon that has moved into the woods near the side of the castle. It is also for the scary movies that cause this Drunken Dutchess to freak the fuck out.

It was The Duke's turn to pick a movie. He chose to watch "The Road". I loved the book, so I agreed.

Big fucking mistake.

It wasn't "Saw" scary, it was creep me out and make me fucking jumpy scary.

After the movie, the Duke went to bed and I decided to stay up and catch up on some shit I had recorded on the DVR.

Our Family Room is at the back of the castle. It has french doors that open up to the back deck, pool, hot tub, and past that, the back yard. The castle borders State Prairie land along the back and one side. That makes the back deck, completely private, so I don't have curtains or shades on the doors in the Family room. We do have outside motion detection lights.

You see where this is going, don't you?

I was drinking a corona, watching a little TV, enjoying a midnight toke or two, and in general, minding my own damn business. That's when it happened...

I ran to the kitchen to grab a new pack of cigarettes and was just walking back into the family room when the motion detector got set off. Now, normally, I wouldn't even think twice. We have had deer, skunk, raccoon, an occasional fox, and I've even seen a wolf, mosey through the backyard because of the dense wooded land surrounding it.

However, because of the fucking movie, and the paranoia inducing pot I was smoking my brain immediately thought, "OH MY FUCKING HELL A SERIAL KILLING AXE MURDERER IS ON MY DECK RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR!!!!"

So I freeze. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do when confronted with a wild animal or serial killer.

But then I realized that I was just a stationary fucking target. Then I thought of that episode of Swamp People where if you run in a zig zag pattern an alligator is not supposed to be able to catch you. I figured alligator....serial killer... fuck it, close enough! I was about to zig when it dawned on me that there was not enough room to zag.

By this point my heart is beating through my chest. I am going to die….. Oh fuck!!!

Then my ninja survival skillz kicked in and I started to bob and weave. So I’m bobbing and weaving, weaving and bobbing trying to make myself as small as possible
when I actually see something moving on the goddamn deck!!!

STOP DROP AND ROLL DUTCH! STOP DROP AND ROLL!

That’s what my brain was telling me.

I dropped.

It wasn’t a clean drop.

And I forgot to motherfucking roll.

It was more like Tiiiiimmmmmbbbbbberrrrrr!!!!!

So I’m on the ground and because I'm scared fucking shitless, I’m too afraid to get up and look at what is on the deck.

I start to belly crawl out of the room like I’m a goddamn Navy SEAL. I’m trying to blend into my surroundings. Become invisible. I am the night. For a brief moment I became fucking Rambo.

A very brief moment.

Then the Duke came around the corner.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Ummm I don't know!?”

“Get up off the damn floor and give me a good, I repeat, good explanation for why in the hell you are making enough fucking noise to wake the dead and crawling on your belly....HOLY SHIT! There is a huge raccoon in the deck!"

I'm all, "Motion light, serial killer, axe, and...what the hell did you just say?"

"A raccoon just ran off the deck... Wait a minute. You thought the raccoon was a serial killer and then thought that crawling on your belly would stop him from killing you? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

Fuck you, fuck your movie, and fuck you Mr. Raccoon.
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9 comments:

  1. Ha ha mad ninja skills my left one! You do have some great gams though. Thanks for the morning pick-me up.

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  2. Oh Auntie... as funny as this shit was, I'd have been on the ground next to you freaking the fuck out!!!

    We have raccoons that hide in our mother fucking tree outside by our back deck... FUCK me.

    Those fuckers are scarier than a goddamn ax murderer if you ask me!

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  3. oh jesus. that was fucking hilarious. I needed that.

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  4. Oh I hate raccoons! Everytime I have to go down to the guest suite after dark I'm certain someone's hiding in there with a huge ax!

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  5. I. Am. In. Fucking. Tears.

    I'm wearing an orange SF Giants jersey and black pants. My mascara is now running down my face from laughing so hard that NO sound is coming out.

    Thank you Dutches for doing your part to make me look like the scariest mother fucking jack o lantern!

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  6. Okay I think I just pissed my pants from laughing so hard!!! Quick Dutchess--What's you favorite scary movie??--insert Scream voice over! LMAO
    I am leaving you a pack of Xanax because you need them!

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  7. That is hilarious! I heard what I thought was gunshots the other night which was most likely a hooptie backfiring but I hit the deck..I ain't gonna lie.

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  8. My pleasure Mike.

    Princess Skanktacular, you and I are so much alike. We fucking rock!

    Dazee, thanks.

    Diva, I think raccoons are of the devil.

    Brat, just doing my part for the halloween season.

    Amy, I will send you some of the Queens Depends.

    Donda, I have done that before. lol

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  9. It's a God damn good thing I live alone. It's 2 in the morning,,, I'm reading this,, and laughing so hard I have tears rolling down my face. Tink is looking at me like "Mommie, just tell me where your pills are and I'll get them for you,, I don't have thumbs, but I'll chew through that God damn child proof lid, just to make you stop!". OMG sis... I'm old.. old bladder,, bad lungs... I'm dying here..

    stop drop and roll..TIIIIMMMBERRR... I can see it...

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