I've been trying to keep this from you, but, now, I must confess. I'm a cat owner. OK, make that catssss. I have 2 of them, alright? It was never my idea to have cats.
One beautiful summer day, about 13 years ago, I was in the shower. The Duke took that opportunity to drop a lost, sick, runty little kitten into my pet starved 8 year old daughter's arms. Fucker.
That little whore of a pussy got knocked up, and we ended up keeping one of her kittens. I was outnumbered in the fucking "lets keep a kitten" vote.
See, cats make little horns pop out of my fucking head. They make me do naughty things like put tape on their paws and flick drops of water their direction just to see them freak the fuck out when they get hit with what they think is evil acid mystery water.
Oh fuck you PETA! These sneaky bastards try and drink from my morning cup of Kahlua and coffee with a paw fresh from the shitbox.
I know those bitches would kill me if they could figure out how. I've seen them staring at me with that look in their eyes. You know the one. The one that says, "You're so lucky I don't have opposable thumbs, you loathsome idiotic fool, or you'd be a red stain in my litter box by now.
They also do the rudest, most horrible, disgusting, annoying, continuous shitty thing I have to deal with that I did not sign up for.
The puking. All the puking! All the GOD. DAMN. PUKING!!
What is it with puking pussies? Seriously? Have we ruined kitty's digestive tract with processed kibble in the shape of little fish that smells like fermented shit and fryer oil?
Is this revenge for depriving them of the rotting roadkill, lizard tales and long strands of dental floss they long to eat?
In the middle of the fucking night, after I've finally fallen asleep, I'm jolted awake by that unmistakable sound. The noise that only comes from the belly of the beast and the seventh realm of hell.
HORK HORK HORK HORK HORK HORK.
How in the hell can something that weighs 9 pounds make that kind of a sound?
I jump out of bed only to find the cat's head spinning completely around with puke flying across the carpet at the speed of light.
My eyes are wide as saucers, my hand clasped tightly over my threatening-to-gag mouth, and she daintily licks her lips, looks at me like, "what!?", and then sashays past me as if the fucking hurl holocaust didn't just happen in the goddamn hallway.
Did I mention? IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT!
There are certain things I don't mind doing on my hands and knees at 3 a.m. Cleaning cat puke it not one of them.
I took the puker to the vet, only to find out they don't know why she throws up.
Why thank you Mr. High Priced Vet. Thank you for letting me enjoy my day chasing, tackling, and trying to stuff a freaked out pussy into a carrier. After taking time to stop my wounds from bleeding, I also had to listen to her pathetically wail during the 45 minute drive to your office. All so you could tell me, "Umm, I don't know why she is puking all the time."
That? was just fucking super!
Now, go give CB some love for being the Hostess of this little game.
I am proud of you. They say that the first step is admitting you have a problem. (cat ownership). I hope you continue to go to meetings and that one day, in the not too distant future, you will be able to report that you are cat free. BTW - Could be your cats have hairballs. There are meds for that. (don't ask how I know that.)
ReplyDeleteLittle kittens are cute and fun to watch, grown cats not so much. That being said, there is a lot to be said about having a pussy around to stroke.
ReplyDeleteJust feed them glitter so their puke at least sparkles.
ReplyDeleteI to am the victim of cat ownership, being forced on me. Little bastard wakes me up at 3 am every flipping morning and the horking ewww
ReplyDeleteOh, I think I am still peeing my pants from laughter. Thanks for that one.
ReplyDeleteAnd now we can officially call you a cat lady. :)
ReplyDeleteI have a cat that keep peeing in the dog food. I'm ready to KILL it!Is it bad to wish for the coyotes to get it?
ReplyDeleteHow can you say such an awful thing sister dearest... Don't remember saying it.. well you fucking drink too much the night before your Day off..
ReplyDeleteLove ya..
omg, your story sounded just like mine. I begged my hubby to get our female cat fixed, but he wanted her to have the "motherhood" experience. We also got rid of all but one. 19 years later, they have finally gone to the cat litter box in the sky.
ReplyDeleteUmmm, what a dumbass vet. first of all they are getting older, and second, hairballs. get the hairball stuff and put it in their food. it helps a little bit.
Sis, you thought you were hilarious with taking over Dorkville while I was passed out. The funny thing is, no one seemed to be surprised, shocked, or anything else about what you wrote under my name in the comments! Our audience or readers is either not shocked by anything we Royals say, or are some heavy duty cat haters. lmfaooooo
ReplyDelete